Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[Mrs D]

My ExH and I were married 9 years. Divorce was final the day of our 9th anniversary. To cut it short, I had an affiar 3 years ago. Went to counceling, quit because I didnt care for the therapist - didnt start again. None of the problems that apparently were there before the affair were resolved. H tried with every bit of his heart to make it work - I did not. In the meantime I become friends with my trainer - texted all the time about nothing. Truth is, I did find him attractive, thought maybe things could be more with him - but it never happened. We have only been friends. Husband was very intimidated by him – which I would have felt the same if I had found H texting someone.
I moved out last November. Actually, EXH packed the truck and moved me. I didn’t try to stop the move. He filed for divorce later – I asked him, pleaded with him not to file. He asked to give him one good reason – the only thing I came up with was “You would be wasting money because we would only get married again”. I am not good with communication. I should have said “Because we love each other and we can work on our problems”. But I didn’t. Fast forward to the day we sign the papers. I cried through the whole process. I didn’t want this divorce – but knowing he paid whatever he paid (and he is really tight with his money), I felt I had to. So I signed the papers. We were still very much together up to the day of our divorce. I didn’t go to the courtroom. I asked him, pleaded again not to go through with it. He did.
Course, the whole time Im still texting my trainer. I know I shouldn’t have had this relationship with my trainer. My H asked me time and again to stop. I would for a bit, then start again. This is why he didn’t stop the divorce.
Fast forward to today. I am in counseling. The big Ah-ah moment last week is that I have not yet forgiven myself for the affair that I had. I don’t feel I deserve my husband or his love. But I still want attention – seeking from the trainer. Even though my H is very much trying daily to win my love.
I know my H is the love of my life. I ruined our marriage, and instead of seeing help right away – I lied and disrespected everything that I had. I know you all are going to say that I only want him now because hes gone (hes been “dating” for about 4 weeks now – same girl) but that is not the truth. I always wanted us – just didn’t know how to fix us. Didn’t realize that there were more issues within me – which I am now seeking answers to.
Friends tell me the girl he is seeing is not permanent. She has never been married – wants kids – which we all know he does not want more kids. She is a huge drinker, smoker, young – everything that he is not. They all feel she is there to waste his time.
He called a friend of mine the other day when she told him that he needed to tell me to either move on, or that he wants to work it out – Im having a hard time letting go. He had all sort of questions after he said that he didn’t think that he could ever trust me again. He asked if she really thought I was changing, could ever be trusted, if I would ever do the things to make it work – and she answered honest to his questions. She said when they hung up, it seemed like he was on the fence – that he was sitting back to see what I did.
She then calls me today to tell me some other things she had found out – said that he is spending all of his time with her, even after he drops our son back to my place. She then urges me to call him and ask him point blank if there was a chance for us in the future, after Ive fixed my issues and made myself a better person. Mind you, I did this Sunday or Monday this week. When I asked him – his response was – with hesitation – “I don’t think so”. In my mind, that is not a firm No. And that was the reason she contacted him and asked him to tell me one way, or the other.
So – I called him again today. I knew it was too soon. I knew I shouldn’t call – but I did. His answer was a firm No, move on. I don’t think that I can ever trust you again. Was this his response because that is what he is feeling, or because it came three or four days after the last time I asked? Im sure hes sick of talking about it…
So now Ive decided I cannot call, text – go out of my way for him any longer. He hasn’t really had the time to miss me – cause like I said – we were spending ALL of our time together up till 4 weeks ago when he started dating her. I guess my question is – does anyone think there is a chance? I know I screwed up on so many levels, and I want to work on making things better. I also know I need to make myself happy and love myself again, including forgiving myself for the affair. I know that is why I pushed him away for so long. I still do not know the core issue that brought the affair in the first place.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

There can always be HOPE as long as you feel it inside of YOU.

However

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use the time wise

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself here but we'll do our very best to get your M back on track.

First of all, your H is totally right in not trusting you. I mean, you were texting your trainer when he asked you not to. That was his test to you and you had an opening but blew it. So are you still in contact with this trainer of yours? If you're serious, you're going to have to stop ALL contact. My suggestion is to talk to your XH about it first, then show him you're deleting the trainer's contact from your phone and sending the trainer a standard no-contact letter. If you balk at this, you're not ready to go back to your H.

Now, are you going into C? Is that how you got your "ah ha" moment? If not go to C asap. Then go to MC and invite your H. If he chooses not to go, go by yourself. Learn deep down what happened and grow from there.

Do you have children? Concentrate on them if you do. Show up at appointments on time, show your XH you can be trustworthy. Show him you can be dependable. You are going to have to show him rather than just tell him.

[Mrs D]

MrB,
Yes - I have been out of contact with the trainer for about 4 or 5 weeks. My XH does know that I am no longer in contact, but he doesnt believe I wont go back to being in touch with him. Ive deleted his email address, his phone number, I dont train with him any longer. I even deleted my FB account just to show how focused I am at making this work.

Yes, I am seeking therapy. I have alot of issues, one not forgiving myself for the affair. Course it all stems back from my mother having an affair on my Dad. I loathe her as a person, and I find myself no better than her. Part of my homework for next week was to actually go to my XH and tell him Im letting him go. That the only contact I will have with him will be only of our son. It was hard. So today was the first day of NC. It truly [censored], but I know I have to do this to get my self healthy first.

[Mrs D]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

There can always be HOPE as long as you feel it inside of YOU.

However

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use the time wise

Thank you Cadet! I will take these suggestions and try to move forward.

[Mrs D]

[quote=Cadet]Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.


Does the DR book work for those already divorced?

[MrBond]

That sounds good.

NC is critical and only time will be able to tell if you can hold to it.

How old is your son? For the small interactions that you have together be sure you are friendly and not clingy. Dress well in something that you know usually turns him on. With each interaction, see if you can stretch them a little longer each time. Right now he has his guard up. You want to get him to relax and feel safe around you again.

He's afraid to get hurt again so it'll take awhile.

[Cadet]

Does the DR book work for those already divorced?

YUP!

[Mrs D]

Day #2 - NC. Woke up at 4 with thought of ExH. I have not contacted him as of yet, but this morning was hard. My son came to bed with me last night, I turned over and watched him sleep for a bit - gave him a kiss on his forehead and apologized for ruining his family. He didnt hear me - I guess it was more for me because if he would have heard it, he would have denied that I had anything to do with the end. My son is 8. He is the absolute joy of my life. He can make me smile without even trying.

Today, one of our mutual close friends told me that they have asked a few times about the new GF, but he basically changes the subject. I dont get it. This guy is his closest friend, and he doesnt know anything about the GF? But, the guy and his GF that live two houses up from me know everything? Any ideas why he would be so secretive to his closest friend and his wife?

My brother holds an annual golf outing for his birthday - which is next weekend. Course my ExH will be there. I know I need to be postive, upbeat, - the person I normally am. I know I am going to be nervous, tense, etc - especially when Im trying this NC thing. My therapist said to act cordial. Make small talk. Dont hang onto every word. Ugh - its going to be hard!!

[Mrs D]

Does the DR book work for those already divorced?

YUP!

Thanks - I ordered it today!! Wish it came in kindle format so I could start reading tonight! Another one of those learning patience things I guess.