More patience??? Really???

[ces67]

Thanks Bug, Needed a reality check...

[needgrace]

Hi CES,

It sounds like your W may have a lot of past hurts to heal and I think Bug may be right that W feels the need to revisit them. I heard a speaker (Dan Siegel, his books are awesome) say once that when we make sense of our past, we can live in the present and create our future..

He also said that unreflected upon memory feels like the here and now, we do not the awareness that it comes from the past.

I hope she considers IC to help. Maybe the MC could explain how our past hurts impact our M?

I can only imagine how hard this is for you, CES, to watch your W's journey. I hope that you take good care of yourself right now.

((((((( ))))))

[ces67]

Thanks NG. I know she has a lot to deal with. The problem is that she doesn't appear to be dealing with it in a productive way and its impacting the family.

When W left for fall break last Friday, she literally only at $67. That was no where near enough to cover gas of a 10 hour drive and food for trip. I scrounged up another $20 and gave her our last credit card for emergencies. It was probably enabling her but she had every intent on leaving and I didn't want her stranded with the kids.

Today I find out that during her visit with her friend, she went shopping and spent what little balance was left on the credit card to buy herself clothes.

So now, since I have restrained myself from addressing the money issues, we have maxed out our last credit card. Our savings is gone and we are fully on a pay check to pay check life. This is ridiculous.

I'm so mad at myself for not dealing with this better. She has said she's sorry for how she has handled money and I believe her. However she is still unable to make wise choices.

This has again, put me in a double-bind. And I walked myself into it. I am constantly put in a position of having to act as her "parent". If I address the money issues, I am controlling. If I don't the family falls further and further into financial chaos.

I know I am responding emotionally and need to step back for a bit. I called earlier to ask W about this and left a message. its been over 3 hours and she's not returned the call. I'm not surprised. Its probably best. I need to get to a better place before I talk to her as well.

[labug]

when we make sense of our past, we can live in the present and create our future..

Perfect way to say what I wanted to say. Thanks, ng.

[ces67]

W finally responded via txt message saying she had left all her shirts at the house before leaving for her trip and needed to get some to get through the week.

Ok, she was there 5 days before she went shopping and has 4 days left with one of those days being in the car all day. So to fill that 3 day gap before coming home, she had to spend $110 on shirts?? Really???

[jks]

CES, what your W did (the shopping) sounds very much like something I would have done back before all of my chaos started. Just wanted to ask... in the past, how did you approach situations like these? Did you ignore it and let her just spend or did you hound her down every time you felt she spent the money on something that wasn't important?

I ask because I know that in my R, my H never said anything and when he did, he just made a small complaint and then let it be. It basically told me that he didn't see much wrong with it and that I could continue on with the same behavior. If that's how you're treating it now, then that might be the message you're sending to her.

I know your R with her is delicate right now and I wonder if you've brought this up with your MC? You might have already gone over this here... I'm just not sure I ever read anything about it.

It's so strange, because I knew that we didn't have the money to spend and yet it made me feel so much better in the moment to go out and buy. You'd think that it's common knowledge that if you don't have the funds then you should have priorities of where the money is going to go. But when you're so emotionally down and you're trying to find something exciting to fill that gap, it makes sense in our heads. And I would justify it until I turned blue.

There has to be a way to break that pattern of spending and I wonder if your MC would have some good suggestions on that. The only reason I have stopped is because of the crisis that I'm in. My priorities have significantly changed. And spending like that just seems so foolish to me now.

I don't know if that gives you any insight. Just wanted to share what was going through my head when I was doing it.

[labug]

ces, I agree with jks. You've never had the difficult conversation with her so she continues spending. I think you knew this day would come.

I would shop as an escape, too. I didn't buy a lot but I shopped for hours, it took my mind off my real life.

Can you look at this as a problem you both have and work it out together.

[Top5]

I need some advise from some DB. We have been seperated for 9 months. I have been DB sine JULY. The arguments since July. Bt we still on talk about the children. We sepertated because she felt I was cheating on her from some xxx emails and smaller problems in the home that grew. All the quite is got me going crazy. No talk about divorce no talk about coming back together. Need advice

[ces67]

Jks, Thanks. Very good insights. We have talked about money and it was the topic we ended on in our last MC. Here are the points I made:

-We are in financial crisis
-I feel like I'm the only one dealing with it
-I feel stuck between providing things for my family and saying no so that we can get out of our sitch.
-Feel W ignores the issues and does what she wants leaving me to deal with the fall out.

W has acknowledged that she is making poor financial choices and that shopping for her is a way to feel good, just as you explained it above. The challenge is that while she has acknowledged it she has made little to no progress in changing her behavior. She has stopped most spending on cc only because she didn't have any. I loaned her our last card for emergencies on this trip and her emergency was that she forgot her clothes so she had to go buy new. I partly understand that but am doubtful she made practical choices in her shopping.

Our MC is working on helping us reconnect on a social, fun level to improve our comfort levels in dealing with harder stuff. My worry is that our finances need attention now. My W starts her new job when she gets back into town next week. I need for her to commit to a certain amount of her pay that will help with bills and I need to be very direct with her on this need. Otherwise her behavior of spending whatever she has on herself will continue and our financial situation will not improve.

Its interesting to learn how many women use shopping as an escape. I know us men have our own means for this, some healthy, some not so much. I've had to focus and shift from the unhealthy to the healthy and be diligent in keeping it there. Its just an interesting insight to see the same struggle in women handled in a different way.

[ces67]

Top5 - Sorry you're hurting. Its a tough road. If you've started your own thread I'll take a look to get a better understanding.

If you have xxx e-mails with someone else, IMO, its still cheating even if its only on an emotional, fantasy level and not physical. You're still giving your attention to another woman and it needs to stop. That's a step you can take to rebuild trust. Again, I'll look for your thread. Take care.