help please new here...

[shaysmom]

Hi everyone Im new here and im in need of advice and support.My world just fell apart.A little history.My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have a beautiful 5 year old daughter.We had been living the normal life(or so i thought) working,vacations,just everyday life.We were in Miami in april and talked about our future and getting a new car.In Feb of this year a single woman and her son moved in next door.So u know what im getting at.Allof a sudden my 51 year old husband was best friends with her 19 year old son.Putting him before our daughter constantly.At first i thought was was gay.Not long after he started telling me he was unhappy and our relationship needed work...what??? Where ddid that come from.He said i was a great mom but he felt like i was maried to my daughter and not him.He needed more intamacy from me.So i tried to touch him more,make eye contact put little notes in his lunch box but nothing i did seemed to get him any closer to me.So....A few days later i overheard him on the phone saying he met someone and was deeply in love.It was of course the 19 years old mom. I called him and flipped! Told him to get his stuff and get out.After several days of fighting he said this was all too much for our daughter and said he would not talk to her anymore.He then locked up his phone and computer and started drinking and even stayed out all night.I did every wrong according to this site.I cried and begged and pleaded.Last night after a heated arguement it was the first time we actually talked.She was feeding his ego telling him how wonderful he is and i was the nagging wife.What i fooool?
Did she see me outside cutting grass afyer working all day?Did she know i had my daughter90 percent of the time while she was out meeting him at the park?He rarely took our daughter to the park!!!I do all the cleaning,laundry and i work.How dare her?? i am so angry and hurt! My daughter deserves a family unit and i am not blind to the fact that we must have had problems for him to go to her in the first place but he admitted last night he has still spoken to her infrequently since this all happened.DO we have a chance at all???Thank you all so much.I have been praying morning noon and night!

[KarenR]

Hi,
I sm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon scenario. That doesn't make it feel any better, but please know that there are proven, tried and true ways to interact with your husband differently than you have been, that can turn things around and that will allow you to have the relationship you desire. I hope you will talk to one of the Divorce Busting coaches, because they are experts in coaching you to come up with the best way to go forward. They have many, many years of experience and success in dealing with these situations. I look forward to talking to you further. Best Regards.

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself here. first and foremost you need to read DR or DB. This will give you the basic framework for the things we discuss here.

"Did she see me outside cutting grass afyer working all day?Did she know i had my daughter90 percent of the time while she was out meeting him at the park?He rarely took our daughter to the park!!!I do all the cleaning,laundry and i work."

First thing I can tell you is that these aren't the things that are going to get your H back. Just like how he goes to work to support you. While these are great traits, the don't feed him emotionally/physically/sexually. How much attention and time (before this happened) did you spend with him one on one without the kids around? Did you see movies together, did you hold hands, etc? Was there an effort actually put into the marriage or was there little snarky remarks (There's bound to be some in every marriage).

The OW isn't feeding his ego. She's feeding him what he's been wanting to hear from you.

[dj21]

Welcome, post in newcomers, that is the best place to begin and your posts will possibly get more views. Keep posting daily, read the DB and DR books and breath. You will get great support and guidance here.

[shaysmom]

Thanks for the replies and yes i did order the book.I am still so angry though.And he still continues to lie to me and my daughter.He stays out knowing she is crying to see her daddy before bed.I just could never do that.I admit we did spend more time together before my daughter but the fact that we didnt afterwards wasnt entirelly my fault.H is a workaholic and has ocd which means he didnt come home til the job was done and done right.We had a wonderful vacation in miami at the end od april and even talked about the future and a new car.So Im guessing this woman swept him off his feet in like 3 months.I guess i definately need the book because im not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.So hard for me to interact at all with him when i know he is with her and telling me he isnt.

[MrBond]

Still there?

[wont_stop]

You are early in the process. Right now you are going crazy with rage and sadness. This is the most important phase, because you will make the worst mistakes now. I know. I went crazy and made ultimatums, hired detectives, called in the lawyer, and forced a mediation too early. I stopped all this, but it apparently was too late. My WW informed me she wants to get a divorce and be with OM.

Please read the sections on infidelity in the DR book. I wish I had read it when I discovered the affair. It really will help you to handle the situation. Don't pursue, don't follow, improve yourself. Right now, you feel like a broken mess, but that is not who you really are. The steps she lists, especially the 180, will help you to bring yourself closer to the wonderful person you really are and make you stronger. It's about taking care of yourself, restoring your sanity, and finding happiness without your WS.

Maybe your WS will notice, maybe not. That takes time and PATIENCE (something I have little of :-) ). It's also very hard to do, because you have to show you are living a life that makes you content, without it appearing fake, even though his infidelity is killing you inside.

So please read the DR book and try it. At the very least, it will help you to recover yourself.

[shaysmom]

Well I lost it.Nothing can help me now.My h said yesterday we would do counseling.I asked if he could put the OW on the back burner to see if our M could be saved.He said fine. Later that night he took my daughter school shopping.When she came home she said daddy made her keep a secret from me.I told her secrets are never to be kept from mommy or daddy and she needed to tell me.She told me the OW was at the mall too and they all ate together! I was furious.I flipped out and today i told my attorney i wanted to file for divorce ASAP.I just cant do this.He has hurt my daughter over & over by not coming home at night and leaving her crying to be with the OW.Im not strong enough to do this.I shouldnt have to compete with her.He is still lying about it too.Says they are just good friends.Why lie at this point?He is also emotionally abusing me by his lies.I am so angry hurt and scared.My life has been turned upside down by this man.And to think in April we were at the beach and he told me how happy he was to be married to me.The OW has only been in the picture for 2-3 months! UGH!!!!!

[unbidden]

I know this is hard and I totally feel for you but take a deep breath. He is not really doing anything directly to you -- your reactions are making you feel bad, not him. Perhaps some boundaries with H are in order, but is it really necessary to go nuclear? just trying to offer some perspective.

[chatterbug]

You are going to have decide about moving or staying in the house.

Do not think it is going to be good to remain neighbours