a new perspective

[strongerthanever]

Wow, it sounds like you have made some great progress in this area! I'm really happy for you and can only imagine how good it must feel to let that go.

I'll be sure to check out the website, thank you for the recommendation.

[strongerthanever]

Not sure what spawned this, I just feel like opening up; I feel safe opening up here.

My heart longs to be loved. Not because I need it, or feel incomplete without it. I think it is human nature to want to be loved. I believe that I am a great woman, that I have so much to offer. I know there are men out there who value the same things I do.

I know it exists, not just in the movies. A man that looks at me and is so grateful that I'm a part of his life. A man that holds me and breathes me in, and his heart just races. A man that supports me and is proud of me, is honored to have me by his side. A man that cares for me and loves me back to health when I am sick. A man whose favorite place is on the couch, with me in his arms. A man who doesn’t mind leaving home because he is so happy to come back to it, and me, at the end of the day. A man that wipes away my tears and kisses me when I am sad. A man that doesn’t get restless with daily life, because he knows the little things are what mean the most. A man that makes love to me and holds me in his arms as I fall asleep afterwards. A man that believes in maintaining his own relationship, whose grass is always greener than any other side, because he does not allow it to die or become overtaken by weeds. A man who looks forward to the changing of the seasons and the new memories that will be created.

I know it exists. I know I'm ready for it. I know I deserve it.

[AprilT]

I believe we all want that...I know I do. I miss having that special someone that can't wait to see me, hold me, and tell me how much he missed me. Even if he just stepped out to go to the store.

I still believe in the fairy tale, and that my happily ever after is coming.

[zig]

yes stronger - this place is a mazing. it allows us to open up in a way we would never dare to in our real world.

i only just realized the other day that oh my gosh, i have written things here that possibly hundreds of people have read. Yikes. and then i laughed, because efor the first time in my life i don't feel threatened by anyone knowing my deepest thoughts and secrets. i don't feel the need to hide who i am any longer.

what you wrote - it touched me. and i thought while i was reading it - stronger is defining what she wants in her next relationship no matter who it is with.

that's a good step. i think when we redefine clearly what we want, then we start to see how we don't have it with our was's and what that could possibly mean for us.

new perspectives, eh?

[strongerthanever]

yup, new perspective. A lot of acceptance and forgivness.

Like you said, this place almost feels like a "daer diary...", but with people that get you and feel the same way.

I really think I am defining what I truly desire, and it makes everything completly ok. It makes the term "letting go of good to make room for great" really come to life. I don't want to know who will take the place of the man I am dreaming of, but THAT man is the one I want to be with.

I'm really excited to hear about what happend with Jody and everything! Gonna hop on over to your thread.

<3

[strongerthanever]

Did something new today!

Got home from work at 8 am and did not get out of bed 'till 9pm! I litteraly slept all day! Not one to be a bum, but man it felt great to pamper myself. Next week my girls will be back, and I'll be back to my living off of 4 hrs of sleep lifestyle. Oh I so needed today

[strongerthanever]

Did another something new today! I woke up and though, I feel adventurous, alive...I'm ready for something new....

So I'm at the salon getting highlights, lowlights, and a new haircut! Feels good to pamper myself. In a few Weeks I think I'll do some shopping and update my wardrobe for the fall.

Ahhhh! Can't wait to see how my hair turns out

[zig]

how did it turn out???

i bet it's great and you feel gorgeous!!


so glad you got a great deal of sleep. i think half the time we are so messed up is because we are so sleep deprived with the emotional tension

sweet girl - hope you're having a lovely day.

off to watch those hot young bods at the olympics - well the chicks too - not bad on the eyes at all

funny how i always want to get all athletic every 4 yrs

(((((( ))))))

zig

ps. let's have a toast to your lovely self pampering day and the highlights too

[strongerthanever]

Cheers Zig!

Love my hair, thank you. Crazy how something so simple can make you feel like a new person.

(journaling)

I was thinking about the recent timeline of events in my stich, it's pretty confusing! I most certainly really have let go, it's just kinda crazy how things change so much...

June 1- H opens up, is unhapppy, doesnt want to "accept this" yet can't commit

June 1- goes out of town with OW after "opening up"

June 2- I call H on his crap and tell him I'm filing for D

June 3- H files for D (lol)

June 5- I get served

mid June- OW is gone for good

late June- H begins making contact with me about little things, just to talk

July 2- Initial status confrence at courthouse for D

July 5- H opens up about us again, says he wishes he tried harder

July 7- I ask H if he meant what he said about us, he replies "idk", can't commit (again)

July 8- H opens up again, recognising his pattern of feeling and retreating, I tell him no more, H is obsessed all night with us and is full of regret, yet unable to commit

July 9- H is at my house when I get off work, we make love, he leaves

mid July- I open up and send H "the email"

no contact since except for his random moments of dumping on me

________________________________________________________________

Not coming to conclusions but the only thing I know is that me opening up to him, being loving, pushes him away. It's almost as if the ball is in his court and he doesn't know what to do with it, so he ignors it.

However, when he feels that I'm truly gone, he opens up just enough to see if I'm still here, waiting. He doesn't commit, just kind of feels out where I'm at and then retreats again.

My mind reading (I know, don't do it) could be way off, but the pattern still exists.

All I know is that I opened up, I was honest, I owned my crap. I'm not judgmental or pushy, and I've been a friend. I love this person so much. So much that I don't mind getting out of his way so that he can continue on his path of discovery. I actualy WANT him to go down that path. Not for us, but for him.

The inner peace and happiness that I feel is amazing, and is a result of my path. I want everyone to feel that way. I hold no grudges or anger agianst H.

I also know that we are completly diff playing fields right now. As much as I love him, RIGHT NOW he is not someone that I find myself attracted to. This whole D thing, which is about to be closed due to a lack of forward motion, does not scare me at all. I would gladly choose this route over being with a man that is unable to meet my R needs any day. And hunny, right now, he ain't cuttin' it.

My life is freakin' awesome! I was once running myself into the ground trying to please H without anything in return. I was emotionaly and mentaly starved. Now, I can do whatever the heck I want! I only do the things that bring me joy. If I want the laundry to sit in the basket overnight, or eat pancakes for dinner or be a bum and watch movies with my girls all night-so be it! If I need extra sleep, a long hot bath or ice cream for breakfast-I do it! I am stress free and so happy. The only interactions I have with people are loving ones bc I have learned it's ok to ask that from life.

My life is meant to be joyous dangit, and that's how it's gonna be. I am not a victim of anything. I am strong, compassionate, fun and adventerous. This situation does not define or alter me in any way. It is a blessing that life has given me: a lesson in unconditionial love, stregnth and forgivness. Oh, and just how strong I am

As much as this has hurt me, it is the best thing that could have ever happened to me, and I am grateful for it.

[strongerthanever]

I almost hesitate to write this, as it is solution oriented, and being solution oriented would hint that I have expectations or hope, which I don't.

HOWEVER... I spent some time reflecting on the past years of my M in terms of what works and what doesn't-the basic blocks of DB. Me, being the co-dependant, fixer type, always wanted to be the hero. Well, being the hero doesnt work here. Neither does being the fixer or the all accomidating friend.

What has worked in the past in terms of our R is me doing absolutly nothing. Which is awesome, bc that's what I have been doing (ok, minus the sex and the email, you got me there, but no more). So now I'm REALLY at a place where I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about turning the focus completly on me vs him or us.

This time last year his ow #1 and her 4 yr old daughter were living in my basement, with H. I'll be damned if I spend another winter participating in this R while its on life support. This isn't coming from anger guys, it's coming from acceptance of what does not work, what is unhealthy for me and love/respect for myself.

This woman is a walker. If he really wants me he better catch up.