Here I go. This is my 2nd post. I hope I'm in the right forum this time.
Could use your advise/straight talk/feedback.
My divorce has been final for a month now. I'm still having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is over. Although the divorce was something I agreed to, I'm still feeling SO MUCH pain! I wish my love for him stopped the moment the divorce was final!
It doesn't help that he calls (at his convenience) to come see the kids. I don't want to deny him or the boys from seeing each other, but I have contemplated to only let him see them during his court appointed time, but I feel so guilty.
I know I have to let go, but how do I make myself stop being this foolish/naive?! I know rationally how I should feel, but my heart still loves him. I know it sounds pathetic...I even get mad at myself for feeling this way. Again, after all the things that he has put me through (w/ OW). I've felt every feeling imaginable, but yet a part of me longs for the man I loved. It's hard for me to accept that he has become this narcisist. I take responsibility of my actions/or lack thereof which contributed to our dimise. But I never once looked for comfort in another man.
I don't want to ramble on here. I hope you get my feeling of disperation. I know I need to GAL, but I feel guilty leaving the boys home (although they are old enough and they even encourage me to get out).
How can I see him for what he is NOW? Why do I keep holding on to some hope that we will miraculously put our family back together again. Lord knows we've worked very hard to get to the point we were in about 2 years ago. We met when we were just starting out our military careers. We've both finally retired recently and this is where we end up?
I've read the 37 rules over and over...but it somehow escapes me from applying it in my life... This is by far the HARDEST thing I've EVER gone through and I've been through quite a bit.
Thanks for listening and hope you can help me understand. I truly appreciate your feedback.
While we recommend sticking to one thread, newcommers is the more active area to get support. And especially that it is summer, the whole board can get quite slow.
It is completely understandable that you still love your H. It is normal.
As Cadet pointed out in your other thread, if you believe your X is MLC, then please do read the MLC forum and information there. Also the MLC chapter in the Divorce Remedy book. It can help understand what you are seeing happen and also help you cope with what has been and what may yet come. It gets better.
Again from your other thread, you mention that you'd like to GAL but you don't want to leave your kids alone. Be careful about that kind of thinking. Your kids will pick up on your emotions so for their sake, you NEED to pick yourself up and move forward. Also, you need to be careful that in your own grief, you are not projecting onto your kids and also not smothering them. You need to be the rock in their lives.
First and foremost, the only way PAST this is THROUGH this. IOW, you will have all these feelings, in the full range from sad to anger to moments of happiness and also bitterness. Work through these because so many people get confused, thinking that "moving on" means stuffing the emotions. That will only hurt you more.
Next, you are new here so your posts will be moderated (meaning it may take a day or so for them to show up).
The best way to deal with that is to post fairly regularly in short amounts. Using this as a journal / diary is a good way of thinking of this. A couple short entries a day. Also, read other threads and support others, which will encourage others to engage you on your thread. You may not feel like you can "help" anyone else, but support can just be saying to someone, "I understand how you feel that way. I feel the same sometimes. I wish you well."
Make sense? Of course, use your own words and when you empathize with someone, you can certainly add your own experience and how you dealt with it.
So please get and read the DR book if you have not and start planning on some GAL activities. In time, you may also want to start looking within to see what you may want to change in yourself to build yourself up to an even better person than you already are. It will be good for you, good for your kids, and good for any relationships (intimate or otherwise) with people in your life...
OK, then you may want to post back in your thread in newcommers.