Hopeless optimist...

[Just A Guy]

So to start this off I am no sure what to make of everything.. I think this happens to a lot of us who get the "ILYBINILWY". Mine was 2 days ago. I hurt badly and am in the panicky mode.

Together for 6 years Married for 4 this August.

I know for a FACT that my wife has not cheated on me. She had a fantasy about another man who she met through family and that is the trigger that pushed her to talk to me.

I have DB on its way to me. I also asked my W if she would try a solution based MC she said yes and we are going on Thursday.

I will tell you right now that deep down inside I have known something was wrong for a while. She said the same thing and that she even felt our relationship change before we got married. We have tried a shy MC, multiple books including SSM and we always felt better for a little but the feelings of living with a room mate always returned.

As for the "Why" we guys always have to have its killing me. Also she cannot give me a straight answer on whether she feels we are done or not. I view this in a positive light that she still has a piece of her that wants us to work.

We live in a small house, work in the same business and are forced to see each other all the time right now. But it has not always been that way...

I have gone over in my head what the changes were when I started and have felt us slipping and for the life of me I cannot put it together. We have slipped when I have been bringing in tons of money and when I have been making peanuts. Nothing makes sense right now!! HELP!!

What Should I do?
What should I not do?

[Just A Guy]

So I decided to let her know that I just want her to be happy no matter what happens next. I told her that I am grateful that she is still willing to go to an MC with me. The panicky feeling is still there, I have no appetite and I am taking a sleeping pill to try and get some Zzzz's.

I am sticking to my workouts and soccer as they keep me busy and provide some degree of "alone" time for her. I think that this is the best thing.

Today I am starting the hunt for another job, I have a feeling the amount of togetherness we have is one of the reasons our fire was choked out.

Another big thing is that her parents have been living as resentful room mates for years now and recently their frustrations have been bubbling to the surface and rearing the anger and despise they hold back.

I think the realization of how long her feeling apart from me has really been, coupled with her parents issue and this first time fantasy of another man in her life has really spooked her.

The MC sent me this email back responding to my ? of her being solution based...

"I am a solution-focused therapist and by that I mean that I am more interested in how you and Melissa want your relationship to be in the future and need to evaluate your strengths far more than the weaknesses. If you are both under stress from many angles it is hard to know just what that future relationship might look like. That is partly what you work on together. I think i do have an underlying bias for marriages working out. My experience has been that most can be revitalized and reworked to meet both of your needs"


Seems pretty optimistic to me it helps a little now if I could just take care of this panicking.. Any advice right now will be greatly appreciated...

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

When you get the DR book read it.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

[Just A Guy]

Thanks Cadet,

I have a life, work out often, play soccer. I need to detach and I think a big part of that is going to be to go out and find a job where I am not working in the same shop as her. We practically spend 18-20 hours of our day together.

I hope this will also be a 180 since I have been procrastinating on finding another job. Its soooooo easy to get comfy and LAZY.

I am a hopeless romantic and she says she still truly loves me but is not sure is we can get that "fire back"

I am seriously grateful that she has given me the gift of time. I must not squander that..

[Just A Guy]

My wife surprised me today with "I will never treat you like a stranger"

I think this was in response to me telling her yesterday as sincere as I could "that whatever happens my main goal is that we are happy people"

Before I would have done my typical 20 questions of HOW and WHY and pry pry pry until she cant take it anymore.. I don't cry in front of her, I support her move to go back to college, I don't push for kisses and hugs, I only say I love you in opportune moments not 50 times a day like a month ago. I surround myself with my workouts, soccer and trying to find a job away from the shop. I will be the strong independent successful man she fell in love with 5 years ago. One resounding thing in every success story has been PATIENCE. I am good with patience and I will become better than ever.

[Just A Guy]

Just read a card today which she gave me in which she wrote

"You are truly my Only One and I love that I get to fall in love with you over and over again for the rest of my life"

There was sooooooo much more in the card than that but it was when these feelings bubbled up about 2 years ago. We read the "Sex Starved Marriage" went to a therapist (not a specialized one, she truly did not challenge us and find the problems).

She then gave me that card on my birthday about a month after we had "fixed" our marriage.

The card has been at my desk ever since and I read it again today for the first time in AGES. Part of me wanted to give her the card but I know that would only push her further... GOD this is HARD!!!

[Just A Guy]

Tomorrow is our MC appointment, just keep thinking about that...

After thinking about the last C we went to I came to the realization that I held back certain things I knew I should have brought up to talk about, and that led me to another realization I HATE CONFRONTATION. I have been avoiding confrontation with my wife since this all began when we moved in with each other..

Big step for me, next step is to figure out what to do about it...

[Just A Guy]

I also just realized I spelled the thread title incorrectly lol.. Made me chuckle I needed that..

[Just A Guy]

Wife just talked to me for the longest period of time in a while. She looked into my eyes also, something she had not been doing till now. I want tomorrow to go so well but I have to garner my expectations and just focus on being honest, concise and calm.

I hope someone reads my thread and has something to tell me.. I really feel alone because we have not told any family yet and the only friends I have told have not been much of any help except to tell me to be strong.. DUH lol..

I have applied to 3 different jobs today, I will be reaching out to older contacts for further ideas on employment soon.

Patience, love and hope... Need to hold onto hope..

[MrBond]

"She said the same thing and that she even felt our relationship change before we got married."

All of the WAS's say that. So don't be discouraged.

"We have tried a shy MC, multiple books including SSM and we always felt better for a little but the feelings of living with a room mate always returned."

So obviously there was some issue. What happened during that time? What changed? For example, did you stop spending as much time together" Was there boring sex? etc. Detail as much as possible and really think hard.

"As for the "Why" we guys always have to have its killing me."

Why do you think you two failed? What were your contributions to it?

"Also she cannot give me a straight answer on whether she feels we are done or not."

They are all like that

"I view this in a positive light that she still has a piece of her that wants us to work."

Don't get your hopes up too high. Trust me, it will change on a dime.

"We have slipped when I have been bringing in tons of money and when I have been making peanuts. Nothing makes sense right now!! HELP!!"

Money doesn't matter. Don't look at what you've been providing financially and look at what you had contributed emotionally. What changes were there?