I'm starting this new thread as I wasn't getting much feedback on my main thread and I need advice fast to reply to a FB text from W (one of the few times she initiates contact and one of the very few times she talks about her feelings about something)
You'll need to check out my sitch and what I've been going through over the last few days to understand our rather unusual situation.
Interesting development I think. Here is a bit of back ground first.
Before leaving for my own country with my daughter, we had over 4000 USD in savings which was to be used to start our new life as musicians in the touristic area of the country. Some of it was also going to be needed by W to live for the few months me and D8 were away (keep in mind that in the country where I live, the average salary is about 150 USD per month and a house rents for $ 2000 per year).
Now, for some reasons, by the time I got back, the $4000 USD was down to only $2000 USD, which seemed to me a bit extreme. It would appear that W has been using a bit more than I had expected. Having said that, she has been with me for nearly 10 year and probably found it difficult to go back to the local way. This is going to be a problem for her in the future as well as she probably won’t make more than $200 USD per months. When we were together, our monthly expenses were around 600-800 USD per month. I never told her that I thought she’d spent too much considering the situation I came back to. I guess I just didn’t want to aggravate things and beside, I knew she’d paid for the school and some flights around the country for herself and me and D8 when we arrived.
Now, when I got back we’d had a discussion about it when she told me she could transfer the 2000 USD in my account if I wanted it as this was to be used to get a house for D8 and myself. I should have said ok, but again, in order to show her I trusted her, I said that it wasn’t necessary and that I trusted her.
Later, after I came back from my one-week NC, she told me that she had no work this month (During the Muslim holy month of Ramadan all the bars are closed) and that she would need some money so she decided to only give me 1500 USD and keep 500USD for her expenses this month. Again, as this was after all OUR money, I agreed and when she again offered to transfer the money to my account, I laughed and said that maybe I should or else she might come back in a day or two and it would be down to 1300 USD and then 300 USD. We were having a good day and the mood was light so I thought nothing of it.
Other background info which I should mention is that I brought back a guitar which I purchased 2nd hand in a pawn shop in my country for about 400 USD and I bought a motorcycle when I got back for about 1000 USD using money my parent gave me to set aside for D8’s education (I promised W that I would pay it all back as soon as I started making money – and I will). To justify these purchases, I had given my own acoustic guitar to W a few years ago and had planned to bring one back from my country for myself when I left. W knew about this plan and agreed, especially that we were supposed to work as a duet at that time. As far as the motorcycle is concerned, I needed transport since I’m leaving the car to W. I probably could have gotten something smaller and cheaper but the motorcycle is part of GAL as I love to go touring and I intend on starting to do it again.
Just now, after what she did last night, she sent me this text when she saw I was on Facebook:
“HI Arsene I saw you are online. I need to explain to you about money situation. Last time before you left to (my country) there was 3400 USD (it was actually 4000 USD) roughly in my bank account. Then I needed some for me to live for about three months (it was actually 2 months) plus the travelling here and there. I paid for D8's school which cost about 750 USD including uniforms. I paid for your flight back from (city of arrival in country) to (city where we live) roughly about 100 USD. I paid a bit for fixing the car etc. What's left with me now is 2000 USD so last time we talked I told you you can take 1500 USD and leave me with 500 USD so I have some money. I was really crossed when you said it will go down again to 1300 USD and then 1000 USD and then eventually only 300 USD. I am not the one buying guitar and motorcycle so please don't put this on me I really feel disappointed that you seemed to be selfish and thoughtless when you told me that. Or maybe you have your explanation Take care and good night”
IMO, she feels guilty (about using too much money? about being insensitive last night? about missing D8’s school parents’ meeting?) and is launching an offensive to shake me. Now, I’d like to know if I should respond and validate and how much I should say (actually what I should say would also be appreciated).
As I explained before, W never really tells me how she feels about things so this is a unique moment where she actually talks about her feelings so I would like to make the best of it.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I replied on your main thread. It's best to keep to one thread so people can follow along.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
