You're doing grea Amelie. Your instinct to not pressure is the right one. In all likelihood the rehab therapist will tell him he has to break all contact with that part of his life. If he chooses not to, then you get to decide what sort of life you want for yourself and your child.
When he suggests that he can do as he pleases (texting his *friend*) and you must roll over or he will go get messed up and disappear it is completely unfair and manipulative. Don't give him that power.
Know your boundaries and stick to them firmly.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Amelie, you're holding it together so well. Good move on going to the rehab center as well. You need all the information and support you can get on this.
This path is not linear. There's forward motion along with backsliding and its hard to know what will trigger either direction. Stay strong for yourself and your child. I agree with GRN on the boundaries. You need to take care of yourself and your child. Your H needs to understand that as bad as he feels for this OW, his first priority needs to be his own family. As much as he feels bad about what he's done, his words you list above show a struggle in his thought process. And while the circumstances are different, its looks pretty standard to a WAS and how they feel about an OW.
Good luck with the rehab center. Keep us posted.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Thanks for your support guys <3. This morning H agreed to come with me to the doctor's office Saturday coming up to get a physical exam and for his depression. I also made a call to the rehab center, but they needed a doctor's referral etc. I'm still running in the mornings, doing my own thing , it still bothers me that he tm that OW, but I try not to get to me...
Yesterday H was not in a good mood because his boss had a meeting with him at lunch time and in the evening when I TM him to see how he was, I felt as if he didnt really want to chat with me, he was aggravated because he couldnt remember his email password. So I TM him that we will talk later and good night. This morning not even a tm or a call from H, then my mind started to go wild thinking all sort of things that perhaps he was too busy tm the OW. I stopped those thoughts and went for a run, when I came back he was home said hello to me and wouldnt talk much. H said he was busy at work. Then after I took a well deserved shower and had breakfast he asked me if I wanted a ride to work (my car died on me in the highway a few nights ago...). During the ride to work, it was a very long quiet ride until he started to talk to me about going to exercise and getting back into shape. That he wanted to paint the house walls, buy new curtains for the living room (I was speechless). When we arrived at my workplace he again, reached out his arm for me to hug him. I did hugged him, gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him to take care. H said "have a good day too babe" (He hasn't called me"babe" in pfft..months).
little steps. He has probably a ton of thoughts and conflicts going through his mind right now. As with any addiction, even when we know its better to let go, there is something there that wants to hold on to us. He is making good moves in the right direction. Continue to be patient and don't take his mood swings personally. Its most likely not about you.
I'm betting his choices are impacting his work perfomance too. He'll have to work through the consequences of those choices but can do so with time and determination.
Take care and keeping my fingers crossed for you regarding Saturday.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I'm so effing p*ssed off right now! grrr... I could roundkick a car!
H decided not to go to the doctor today because he says he needs to make more work hours because he has a lot of debt. He just left to work, but last night he came into my bed and he cuddled me but he wanted to go further than a cuddle and I told him that I as much I wanted to, it was not a good idea right now. He asked me run my fingernails on his back so he could fall asleep. He fell asleep and I couldn't sleep anymore, I was just watching him snoring away and I started to cry quietly and I left the bedroom. A few minutes later I went back to sleep and he cuddled me. When H left to work he gave me a peck on the lips and a hug and told me he was going to do some errands after work and be back home around 2pm. I can't even go for a run today because it s so windy and it's raining!
Sometimes I think I made a mistake of taking H back. last night he said "my buddy X renovated his "man cave" and he wants me to go over", so he left around 8pm and he came back at 2am! He said he had a few beers and he didn't want to drive home intoxicated. I start to think that he wasn't at his buddy's place but with the OW. When he came home, he went straight to bed and told me all about his friend's "man cave" which I think in my opinion is b.s. He tried again to make love to me and I told him straight up that I wasn't going to make love to him until he goes to the doctor and comes to the rehab center with me. He said " you don't trust me?" I replied calmly " Not yet and its gonna take me a while before I do" he didn't say anything, he put his arms around me and kissed my cheek and said "goodnight princess".
There are things that make me suspicious about him for instance when he goes to the bathroom he takes his cellphone with him (seriously who does that? Unless he's hiding something from me...
Sometimes he leaves his cellphone around the house, I was tempted many times to snoop on his cellphone BUT it's a big NO-NO during DB. So far I've been calm, soft spoken and not pressuring him. H has been more loving towards me, he hugs me,kisses my cheeks, whenever i'm in the kitchen cooking he walks by he spanks my butt! (lol), but I don't know if he's acting or he's genuinely being lovey dovey???
Amelie, if you have taken your H back technically you are in piecing not DBing and the conditions are different. In the case of OW, you should have evidence that he has cut off all ties and there should be complete transparency including cell phones and emails. The vets can correct me if I'm wrong.
Perhaps you need to consider establishing a boundary?
It sounds to me like he has done nothing to earn his way back into your relationship.
With regard to his playfulness when you're in the kitchen, he might be sincere, he might be acting, or he might be giving you what he thinks you need in order to manipulate you.
What does your gut tell you?
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I'm so effing p*ssed off right now! grrr... I could roundkick a car!