Is db for me?

[Lasa]

I have been loitering around this site for a few months. Like others on this board I thought my marriage would be restored before I needed to seek advice. That has not been the case.

My husband and I have been married for eleven years. We have four gorgeous children, s9, d6, d3, d9months. We have not had an amicable relationship for the last twelve months, or since I was pregnant with our last child. My husband claims I am very cold during my pregnancies and I feel my husband is very unsupportive during my pregnancies. This last pregnancy did not go well and my husband and I were quite distant. I was punishing him for various indiscretions and he was being an immature person and giving me no support whatsoever. We do live in an expat environment where that behavior is virtually encouraged. My fourth child was born in October and my husband moved out in February after an explosive fight.

My husband has since, or before, embarked on a relationship with a teacher from my children's school. This teacher taught my daughter last year and was aware I was pregnant.

My husband lied and denied this relationship for several months and only when presented with concrete proof from me did he admit to it on April 30. Until then he told me I was unstable and needed to be committed to a psych ward because I was searching for things that were not here. Only last year my husband commented unfavorably on this woman's appearance and figure. Now he is happier than he ever was with me!

I do not believe in divorce. I have an amazing family that my husband always loved being a part of. My husband comes from a broken, confused home. My family has always embraced him and loved him. He has now defended all of us from Facebook. This is so juvenile.I do not know if I can even be friends with my husband as I feel his relationship with the teacher is a betrayal of me and the children. It is so selfish. my children should feel safe and secure at their school, one confronted by their home situation.

Is my marriage worth it or a. I better to get the children out o this situation while my husband goes through his thing?

Thanks for reading.

[Cadet]

I do not believe in divorce.

Is my marriage worth it or a. I better to get the children out o this situation while my husband goes through his thing?

Welcome to the board.

Only you can decide the above,
if you want my opinion I would say if you do not believe
in divorce then how are you asking if your marriage is worth it?

That being said the only way you may get your marriage restored is to LET HIM GO.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

[Rick1963]

Just piggy backing from what Cadet said. Also get the DR book and read the 37 rules.



Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
...
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

[Lasa]

Thank you Cadet and Rick 1963 for your replies.

I have read DR and DB. I am now in LRT.

I think I may have reacted too soon. My husband is now telling me how happy he is with OW, happier than he has been in years with me. This cuts to the bone so I guess he has achieved the desired result.

I mourn the man I thought he was and I mourn the family I thought I would have. I realize I have not been the ideal wife. I am so aware of my contribution to the breakdown of our relationship. I wish my h could have stuck around long enough to address our problems. I feel he just checked out after our last fight when I was an exhausted, hormonal mother of four little children with no apparent support from my h.

My husband did say he was sorry and he was not happy with the angry person he was before he moved out. Now he denies he said thus.

I want my children to have a family home which includes everyone .

I need to know how to talk to my husband when I feel he is a stranger at the moment.

The man I married woul have never have put me or his children in the vulnerable position we are now in due to his relationship with a teacher at the children's school. That was a decision made by two people who should have known better. My husband is a liar if he says he thinks about his children first.

Deep breaths,
Lasa

[tonibertha]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I know you feel hurt and embarrassed, and you do have a right to your emotions, but try to work thru how you are feeling without showing them to your H.

- Read Sandi's 37 rules and focus on yourself and your kids for now.

- Look at Cadet's advice and try to follow it

_ Get a life (explore activities that make you feel good, hang out with your kids, etc). As you work on your PMA, you will find that you are able to detach better

- You'll get a lot of support on this board, try to journal here as often as you can

[Breakdown]

This [censored], plain and simple. But it's important to remember the stages of relationships. That first 6 months is honeymoon time...everyone overlooks their new partners issues and just focuses on them. It's magic fun time. You may have to wait for that to subside before there's any interest. But follow the 37 rules, work on you, be happy for you. When things start to become less rosy, hopefully you'll be happy, interesting, and fun. That might be enough to get him to take a second look.

[Jhail83]

I do not have any great advice to give, but I am also struggling to save my M. I just want to wish you luck. I know this is tough and it will not be easy, but I believe it is worth the fight!

[Lasa]

Thanks for your responses. I have just waved my three eldest children off with h on the family holiday we had planned last year. I was supposed to join them in the second week so h could holiday with youngest child but h has decided he does not want to spend any time with me. He has cut himself off from spending any time with our youngest child to punish me. I do not know how much longer I can stick this out.
Saddest day of my life thus far waving off s9,d6,d3. I think I am done as my h is so cruel thatvit may be a lucky escape for me.

[~ kd ~]

He has cut himself off from spending any time with our youngest child to punish me.

Maybe that is true, maybe it isn't. Only he knows and what he may come to realize is IF he did that intentionally, trying to hurt you, he is only hurting his youngest.

As for deciding he didn't want you on the vacation, that is unfortunate. My W explicitly excluded me from things her and the kids were doing, shortly before BD.

It's normal in this crises.

At this time, it would be a great idea if you haven't yet, to pick up and read Divorce Remedy and otherwise begin to implement some of the methods of taking care of your self, right now. GAL and detaching.

[BklynMom]

Keep moving forward and taking care of yourself and your kids. You have plenty to keep you busy with 4 kids and dont have time to worry yourself with what he is doing.

Ultimitely he is the one missing out on time with your beautiful family.

By the way, it is soooo typical for a man to call a woman crazy to justify their bad behavior - its almost pathetic but you have to remember your H is sick right now.

Hang in there. Be the strongest, bravest mom you can be for your kids!!