2 month seperation WAW talk a/b D options

[mshaf]

Hi all,

I have been reading the forums for a while now as well as reading DB and DR. This is my first time posting.

My sich: My W walked out 2 months ago with my 2 sons. Shew has been living with her parents. The only realtionship talk have been heated discussions. She seems pretty dead set on the D and I can't say I blame her. I know that D is a two way street, but I understand why she is so upset. I have drank too much before the seperation, not been there for her and the kids,not helping around the house, being selfish, and genarally being an a**.

Since finding DB I have been doing 180s and LRT. Spending more time with kids, going out less, focusing on being a better person. Nothing seems to be working as she is wanting to discuss D options tonight. On the plus side this is an opportunity to sit and talk since the seperation. She has stated she "wants to remain friendly but still wants the D" and"thinks I(me)will be more happy without having to answer to anyone".

My question. We will be meeting after work to talk. What do I do from here? I do not want things to progress this quickly. I am hoping for more time, but that is not my choice. Should I bring up other possiblities for the present? How should I approach the conversation?

Any and all help is appreciated. Thanks again and good luck to all.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

DIVORCE = SPACE
Give her space stop having relationship talks.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

[mshaf]

Update:

Last night met with my WAW over dinner(Sushi she hates sushi, I was hungry). I felt I could not avoid because she called again as I left work to discuss D terms. Apparently she has already talked to two attorneys and has found one she wants to go with. She wants us both to use the ame lawyer as it would save money. I think this is a terrible idea as she has known this guy for years. But I didn't feel like discussing it. I said very little over the short time together. Only agreed and validated. Oh and asked her about a book she was reading.

Over dinner she cried as she talked about divorce. Said that "it's me not you, I'm not happy". Told me my oldest B3 ask for me every night and that she wanted to be amicable. Sounded like a script. It's me not you, what a bunch of crap.

I have gone dark as much as possible. We still have to talk to arrange child pick up/drop off as well as a few other things. Other than that I do not call, text, drive by her house. No contact unless she initiates.

I know meeting her to discuss D was probably not the best idea, but I wanted to see what she had to say. I am kind of confused as to how to handle seperation. It seems like a 180 for me would be more contact, but I know that is not the answer. I understand nothing will happen anytime soon, I can't help but question my actions and responses.

I know I havent posted very long, anyone that would like to chime in is more than welcome.

[mshaf]

Update:

W brought my two Ss by last night for a short while after I got off work. On her way she asked if I would like to keep them after work, to which my response was a little short. It upsets me that she always waits until the last minute to ask. I feel bad for saying no.

Dropped my Ss off and we barely spoke aword. She came back to pick them up and my oldest had not eaten so I had made dinner for him. She went to our(mine now)bed to lay down and read while he ate. No real conversation.

I don't know if I did the right thing because the D talk was yesterday. Maybe i was too stand offish. I'm not happy about the D talk but especially upset with her either.

My question is: how after our D talk and two month seperation do I seem cordial but not pushy? Friendly yet detached? Should I be more assertive about the things I want and the things that irk me, or should I let them go until she iniates conversation?

I HATE GAMES!

[mshaf]

Update:

So, big backslide yesterday. I pretty much broke every rule possible. I talked about our R and impending D. I brought up how much this was going to affect our children. I suggested MC and said I would not sign D papers unitl she attended. I ws pushy, argumentative, and controlling. I get the feeling I set myself back a good bit.

It is hard to not be upset with my W. When she left she brought up all these reasons for wanting a D. Selfishness on my part, drinking too much, argumentative, so on. I guess without me and "my problems" being around she feels she has to supply these things now. She can't see that she is becoming everything she said she hated. This is getting on my nerves.

I am at the point where I am really begining to not like my W at all. If she will so readily hurt me and my children do I really want to be with someone like that. All of thses reasons I had for being upset with our M before she left seem to be getting worse. She has always been spoiled(only child)but now she seems more so. She has always felt the world owed her something. Also getting worse. She is spiteful.

She states she wants to remain friendly during and after the D. **** that. I am getting to the point where I want nothing to do with her. In the end it is not about me. It is about by S3 and S7mos. I feel I must protect them.

[mshaf]

Update:

W called to talk about MC that I suggested. She was upset at first so I spent the first half of the conversation mostly listening and agreeing with her. I stuck to my guns about the MC. She had a lot to say and seemed pretty angry. All things I had heard before. I can't help but agree with her because she is right. I took my time to explain some things I realized over the last couple months. There was no begging her to come back or "why can't we work it out" talk. I just took the opportunity to try to make amends. She definitely agreed with all the negative points!

She said that she plays pool on Tuesdays. I asked her if she had joined any of the leagues around town as she was always very good. She said no, and I told her she should think about it. With a little instruction she could be great. She seemed to lighten up a little bit after hearing that. I guess it was a genuine compliment along with a 180 as she complained that I never gave her the time to have a social life.

After that the conversation turned to small talk. Not the easiest small talk in the world, at least it was something other than negative feelings. We talked for almost an hour, which is probably the second longest conversation we have had in a month. She never brought up the MC again and I did not think it was a good idea to advance to far so I let it go.

I guess talking is an improvement. I know I should not expect anything drastic to happen suddenly. Patience is one of the things I need to work on. I hope that I have identified some points I would like to change about myself and how I can begin to accomplish those goals.

The reason I brought up MC is because the LRT was not gaining any ground. I thought I had to try something different. Maybe by shaking things up a bit I could get out of the current rut. I see the benefits of LRT. In my sich it seems like more of the same. For the last year of our M we really didn't talk and I was already pretty "dark" before she left.

If anyone has any suggestions about a better way to handle a separation besides no contact I think that would be helpful.

[mshaf]

Question:

When it comes to NC with WAW how dark is too dark. I get the feeling some of things I have tried only reinforce what my W already believes. That I don't care. I was never the best communicator and tend to play things close to the chest.


What are some good options to let her have space and not seem like I am tring to avoid her.

[mshaf]

Update:

I have decided to focus on my goals more than anything else. So far I am starting small but as time goes on I am sure I can tackle bigger projects. Right now I am focusing on exercise, keeping a cleaner house, not going out on weekends to avoid temptation to drink, spend more quality time with my kids, work. GAL has never been a big problem for me.

One thing that helps me is to wake up and decide what I would like to acomplish for the day. I tell myself in the morning what I will get done and then remind myself throughout the day. By the end of the day no more how tired I am, I have convinced myself the thing I chose have to get done. Works for me so far.

[mshaf]

Update:

No news on the WAW front. I guess that is a good thing. She called Tuesday night for what seemed like no reason. Also, texted last night. Conversations seem a little friendlier, though short. She will be bringing my Ss by tonight since I have to work six days this week.

I have been doing pretty well with my mini goals. Forcing my self to work out even when I am tired after work. G.I.ed the house even though it took 4 hours. So far I am doing well at sticking to my goals through the day. Surprisingly, even though I am tired, I feel happier. I am in a better place.

My trouble is expectations. While I am doing these things for me, it is hard not to hope my W notices. I keep telling myself that is for me, and it is, but I guess I am still holding on to hope.

My next step is to detach further. I think a good way to do this is to watch my kids all weekend. I know this will allow her to do what she wants at night (go out etc), which so far I have had a problem with. I am going to jump right in and try not to think about it.

[mshaf]

Soo...started of today pretty upbeat. Unfortunately I was smacked with a bunch of unexpected bills. The thing is, I work in Sales and I am paid on commission. In sales you have to have your head in the game or you will not do well. In the past two months since my separation my performance has gone down significantly. I went from being one of the top performers to barely scrapping by. I know we are supposed to keep a positive mental attitude when DBing but lets be fair, this S****. It makes staying focused at work very difficult. One of my goals is to do better at work and throw myself into my job when here, once again it is hard.

It is amazing how easily your emotions can swing. One moment doing well, the next down in the dumps. I need to work on my PMA.

Just complaining.