My day of interaction with H was beyond exhausting. I had no clue how truly difficult trying to adjust my behaviors could be until Sunday. My interactions with H are limited and in short quantity, so have been manageable and positive. But an entire day was something else, my sister called to check in on me to see how things went and I had to tell her that I simply couldn't talk because I was so exhausted. My brain was done, visualize deer in the head lights while drooling and that was me. Completely shut down.
My goals for my full day interaction with H present were to be friendly and approachable. NO MATTER WHAT. I WOULD NOT REACT. and OW wasn't present so that removed that part of my goal.
*My H was stand offish at times. ACTION: I respected his discomfort and did not force myself into his space. I tried to understand his discomfort in the situation, I was uncomfortable so it would seem obvious that he could feel that way also. I kept my focus on D18's event schedule and her progress.
*There were many times he would look at me. ACTION: I would simply smile and carry on. No analyzing or creating expectations, this was not easy at all, I looked for any distraction possible to not let my thinking take me away.
*We had a couple of moments where we were completely touching and conversing quietly about our D18's event while seated in the audience and he didn't pull away, or display discomfort, but was engaged with me. ACTION: I stayed in the moment, did not over talk out of anxiety. I focused on listening to him, and not trying to force the conversation to continue. When he finished saying what he needed to say, I responded, and then re-focused on the event. At one point I dug my nails into my leg to not talk over him.
*H noticed I was hot and offered a magazine to fan myself, ( this was difficult because, I typically would have refused the offer of help-I have noticed I refuse things like this on auto pilot-) ACTION:I accepted the offer AND used it, AND showed appreciation for his kindness.
*On two occasions when I was carrying the diaper bag, my purse and our D18's bag, H would take the bags from my shoulders and carry them. ACTION: I was verbally appreciative of his kindness.
*H would take our grandson from me when we were walking up or down stairs and if I had been packing him for a long time. ACTION: I thanked him every time. Carrying around 30 pounds of toddler is a muscle builder.
I am pleased with how I handled myself, it was not easy, and at times honestly wasn't fun. I noticed a few times that I was having expectations, okay much more than a few times. I noticed if his cell phone rang that I immediately thought of OW and that he may be talking to her. I caught myself being agitated and I wasn't even sure if it was the OW he was talking to. I was agitated that when we left the event to go eat, I had offered for all of us to ride in one vehicle, H refused. It was difficult to stay focused on my actions and at the same time staying disconnected from his reactions. In all honesty I had some good baby steps for this day. I also have to process this day a bit more to see where I can improve as well as appreciate myself for making the effort to be an approachable person. Reflecting on our children and how they behaved that day is a good measure, in my opinion, of our day overall. We had GS2, D6, D11 and D18, they were relaxed, having fun, no grumbling from anyone and it was a full day beginning at 5 am until 11 pm when we returned home.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
I like your action items. It sounds like you did a good job! I think I am going to steal a few. I'm still overthinking a good bit. I wish my mind had an off button. It is constantly moving.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
So today brought me the challenge of a lifetime. I lost my home to fire. I have started to learn and use skills here to adjust my behaviors so that I have a chance at re-constructing my marriage, those same skills have helped me survive today. I was vulnerable with my H and told him I needed him. I had to FEEL what it really means to not have control. I did not react to anything today I simply invited the emotions in and sat with them awhile. I do not know what this hardship has in store for my H and I. I will continue to focus on my simple goals, I know with this sudden loss to our family that I could easily abandon my efforts. Here is where focus needs to be a priority so I stay on my path.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
