It occurs to me while re-reading SSM, that my H wasn't real good at expressing interest in me just for me or providing good emotional support even when we had a good sex life. When some bad things started happening in our lives and I really needed him to be interested and supportive, this became a real problem for me. I guess it became more obvious to me. That's when our sex life started declining. I'm no longer sure that my continuing to have sex because he needs it is going to lead to the closeness I crave. He didn't have the skills for expressing interest and support *before* we stopped having sex. I don't think this kind of sex is going to teach him those skills. What do I do?!
Are you sure you're not my wife in disguise? If your husband is like me, he may not have realized that he wasn't showing interest in you or that he was failing to provide emotional support when you most needed it. Although his lack of interest and support may have seemed obvious to you, we men are often pretty dense concerning a woman's emotional needs and I think that we learn a lot as we get older. He probably believed that you were happy with the state of your relationship and didn't realize that you didn't feel close to him until your sex life started declining. At that point, he also began feeling that the two of you were growing apart and he tried to correct the problem as he perceived it by trying to re-establish intimacy - not necessarily because he wanted sex but because he wanted to be close to you. This just caused more problems because he never addressed the problems that caused you to stop wanting sex with him, nor did he know that those problems even existed. If this has gone on for quite a while, as it has in my relationship, he's probably done a lot of thinking and has a much better grasp on your needs than he did before. If he sees that you're willing to try to overcome the problems in your relationship, I'll bet he'll shower you with emotional support because he doesn't want to make the same mistake again. When you're getting along well with each other, I'd suggest surprising your husband by initiating sex when he couldn't possibly expect it. Then try to do so again a few times soon after. I think that if my wife would do this it would have a snowball effect on our whole relationship. And if he doesn't start doing those things that will allow you to feel close to him emotionally, you can always stop. By the way, if you do this and it works, call my wife and tell her - kidding of course.
I think you're absolutely right. Writing some of this stuff down has been helpful in clarifying my situation. I need to remember that.
My H has said he's always been attracted to my strength and independence. I'm pretty low maintenance. But I'm not no-maintenance. When life started throwing us some curves, I guess he got surprised that I needed something from him and he just didn't know what to do. He made some pretty big mistakes and a wedge got driven betweeen us. I think one of the things I did wrong was to decide for him that he couldn't handle my needs...that he would aways find a way to avoid me if I needed him. I started protecting him from my emotional pain. I should have helped him learn the skills. I really thought at the time that I was doing the right thing.. In the long run though he didn't get a chance even to try. I started feeling deprived and unloved. I didn't want to always be the stong one. It's a compliment to be called strong and I wanted to live up to it. The result of trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be has had some long term detrimental effects. But what happens if I let him know that I can't be strong all the time? In fact I don't see myself as strong at all!. I actually do need some maintenance. Supposedly if he loves me he'll want to develop those skills. What if he doesn't? I know he needs me. I guess I'm unsure if he loves me enough to confront his fear of negative emotions. I'm not even talking about negative emotions about us--I'm talking about the negative emotions that come with some of the twists and turns of life.
Just some history: Since sometime last summer, I've actually been "just doing it." Often initiating it myself even when I haven't felt like it. He's much happier. It hasn't brought the closeness for me that I had hoped though. This all happened sometime last spring or summer when I read or saw something about just going ahead and doing it and it might increase the desire and since of closeness. For all I know it could have been something that Michelle had written or spoken about. I didn't pay attention to where I got it. So I decided to give it a shot. At the time and for several months later, I thought the sex alone was supposed to help the closeness for me. Then I saw something about Michelle's book before Christmas and checked out this site. Just a few weeks ago I was got a copy. (I had to skip one haircut to be able to afford it. How's that for making sacrifices for my marriage ) I think I misunderstood it the first time through because I once again thought that having sex was going to bring me the closeness. Then I re-read it and caught the fact that having sex was supposed to lead to my H wanting to do more for me as a result because of his increased sense of closeness. That's when it hit me that his behavior hadn't changed and maybe that was why it wasn't working for me. He was happier, but I was still in the same boat.
In re-reading this post, it occurs to me why I often feel more like his mother than his wife. I've been acting like his mother, protecting him. Maybe I need to kick some butt. I'm just not very good at that and not sure how to do it constructively.
Guess I was wrong when I said "I bet he'll shower you with emotional support". I think you should try kicking his butt! I'll keep an eye on your posts and try to offer some insight whenever I can. By the way, I agreed with your response to Ceberon on my post.
MPT, could you expand on his "fear" of confronting negative emotions? Also, if he was drawn to you because of your strength maybe it was so you could handle the things he didn't trust himself to as far as negative emotions.
What is his relationship with his mother like? If you have taken over the role she used to play then I think one thing you would want to do is act in the opposite way he would. If she was demanding or dismissive of him as a child the worst thing you could do is "kick ass." People aren't normally drawn closer in an intimate way to people who kick ass you know? I'm really interested in hearing a bit more about his back ground and a further explanation of his fear of negative emotions. Oh, is he attentive in other aspects of your relationship...the type to help around the house, work hard at giving you what he thinks you need? Cathy
Sooner1992, I do need to find a way to communicate my needs to my H better. I'm out of practice and he's a bit complicated sometimes to deal with. One of the problems is that he doesn't see things as still not quite there yet. Our sex life is better, hence he feels closer to me. He doesn't realize though that sex doesn't create those same feelings for me. I think he probably assumes that I'm doing okay too. Don't get me wrong, when I feel close to someone I think sex is a terrific way to express that closeness. It just doesn't create the closeness when it isn't already there.
Cathy, Thanks for your post. My H and I have two different styles of coping. He focuses more on trying to get away from the negative emotions and I focus more on confronting the negative emotions. Both styles have their appropriate place. He really gets very uncomfortable with negative emotions. I don't like him to be uncomfortable so I don't share my feelings. His mom is a great mother. She likes to take care of people and do things for them. That's how she shows love. H takes her for granted too, I'm afraid. H doesn't have the best role model from his father about how to do his share of household responsibilities or how to be emotionally supportive. I know this because H's mother has talked to me about her loneliness. I don't want to have their marriage. It works okay for them, but it's less than what I want.
I won't be actually "kicking butt." I know my H wouldn't respond well to that. It's not my style either. I just have to find a way where he can hear me. I'm wary and a little anxious about approaching him because I don't want him to pull a disappearing act. I don't want him to be hurt or uncomfortable.
If my wife was making an honest effort to restore the intimacy in our marriage, but I was failing to meet her needs I'd want her to talk to me about it. However, the way that I would react probably depends a lot on how she goes about approaching the subject. First, she should let me know nicely that she'd like to talk with me about our relationship and ask when a good time would be (no distractions, etc.). Most likely it would be right then, but giving me some choice in the matter would be appreciated. Then she should probably ask me to let her say what's on her mind without me interrupting. Otherwise at the first sign of being accused of doing something wrong, my first tendency would be to interrupt and say "but I do try to ...". Also, once I realize that what she's asking has an impact on the effort she's making to fulfill my sexual needs, I'm much more likely to listen and agree to do whatever she asks. Then she could say something like "I love you so much and I want to be close to you. I know that the decline in our sex life was hard for you and made you feel like I wasn't in love with you. But I am in love with you and I've been trying very hard to work through our problems. I think that the improvement in our sex life has helped you to feel closer to me. But in order for me to feel close to you and want to continue trying to improve our sexual relationship, I need to know that you care about my needs. It would help so much if you ..." You can take it from there I think. Anyway, something to that effect would communicate that you want to work on your problems together, meet each other's needs, etc. as opposed to "I've been doing all of these things for you but you don't do anything right". Let me know if this helps any.
Thank you sooner1992!! You're absolutely right again. I hadn't read your post before I did exactly as you suggested, but you're right! I'm so happy! One of the things that became clear to me while reading posts here was that I would want to feel safe with my spouse if we were going to discuss the "sex problem." So maybe my husband needed to feel safe when discussing my emotional needs. Thank you!
) I think I misunderstood it the first time through because I once again thought that having sex was going to bring me the closeness. Then I re-read it and caught the fact that having sex was supposed to lead to my H wanting to do more for me as a result because of his increased sense of closeness. That's when it hit me that his behavior hadn't changed and maybe that was why it wasn't working for me. He was happier, but I was still in the same boat.