I am finding this website very useful to read about others in a similar situation.
My husband and I have been together since we were in high school, 16 yrs now. We have been married for 12yrs. On 6/11/12 we got into a fight and my anger pushed him away. I actually called his father to come and get him. He was furious and embarrassed, but didn't even say anything except he couldn't believe I did that. After he packed, I was maybe expecting him to spend the night over at his parents for a night or two, he returned the next day to say, he wanted a "break". His break infuriated me, I felt it unfair. I wanted him to open up, talk to me, tell me his feelings. Everytime I asked, he would say, "I'm fine" or "it's nothing". Later that week, he said he wanted out, he wanted a divorce. I begged, argued, cried, screamed, sat on his lap so he wouldn't leave. Each night he left in anger. He finally on the 4th day opened up to me on how I hurt him. Saying I never let him have an opinion. I felt so out of control. He didn't tell his sister or his parents. Just me, kept saying he was done and didn't want to be with me any more. I felt so alone, so isolated, so incredibly sad. I never thought it would have ended up like this. I'm a perfectionist, and I never had asked him for a 2nd chance, I did some things wrong and am not being offered the opportunity to make them right. To show him I can do better
The week went on, I stopped eating, as did he. He would still come over, lay with me, kiss me on the forward, let me hold him and by the middle of the 2nd week, he said he didn't want me to touch him. He said he wanted that loving feeling to spark in him. I kept arguing, you can't just expect it to show via UPS. He had to open his heart. If only I read Divorce Remedy or researched that first week. He stuck his ground. We weren't making any progress, totally avoiding me, not answering my calls, not looking at me when he spoke, no even speaking to me in person. He left and didn't see or talk to our 3 babies for about 10 days. It was terrible, of course, then I accused him of abandonment. If I would have just granted him his break. By the end of the 3rd week, I was paying bills and at times I will look at our phone usage to see how many mins we used, texts, etc. What I found wounded me more that I can say. I found out he has been having an affair since March. Since March! I called the number, apologized for the intrusion but asked for her name. She didn't hand it out. Then I called the # again, to find her name. I then called his work and spoke to one of his co-workers/friends and he filled me in that yes the two of them had been spending lots of time together and many people thought they were sleeping together. I couldn't believe it. She is 22yo and just broke up with her fiance in late Apr/early May. I never, ever, thought he would have an affair. Not only that, but in April I asked him about this # because he recieved a text saying, "I miss you". I was like, what the hell is that! He said it was the wrong number, they had even called. I believed him, he had never given me a reason to distrust him. Then in May, same thing. I was using his phone to text my mom and saw that same number. He just said he didn't know who it was. How niave was I? I felt stupid, completely in shock. I looked over the phone records. He was calling her constantly; from my parents house while we were there for dinner, on Easter (3x-and my favorite holiday), on Mother's Day, in the middle of the night while I was in bed, in the early morning, right when I would go to work and getting off right when i would get home. The last one was disturbing because he was suppose to caring for our 3 babies, what was he doing talking to her when he was with them! And the kicker, the worst, he called her at 6:55am on my anniversary, 6/1. That anniversary was terrible, he didn't even say Happy Anniversary or thank you for being my wife. Nothing! And the first thing he did was call her! I was so hurt! I went crazy. The day after the most awful day, we calmed, spoke about an hour on the phone. I told him he breached my trust, I was hurt-so hurt, mortified. He agreed to just work on our friendship. I said we had to work on our communication and just be honest-always honest-and trust each other (even force ourselves when we really didn't trust). This way, we can rebuild the relationship. He said he was certain he wanted a divorce. I was sad, the most depressed I had ever been. I have never felt so much pain. So, with time, I practiced the techniques in DR, and things got better. He still was angry, but came around more often. He kept saying that being together, as a family, was giving the babies the wrong idea. He wanted nothing to reconcile. I started speaking with Chuck. It has been tough! I feel so hopeless, like there is no chance.
The weekend before 7/9, we went camping as a family for our son's birthday. Friday was terrible, he was drunk and so mean. Saturday was fantastic. Sunday was mediocre. On the way home, (4 hrs) we talked about lots of things. I asked about the OW, he told me. I didn't react, just listened. He saw how hurt I was, then he tried to take some things back. I said he couldn't do that, that it hurts, but it is better than what I was dreaming up in my mind. I was ok. We had a great 5 days, all positive. Flirting, texting back and forth a little, hugs, little kisses, "good games", etc. We were even betting each other when we would do something and then offer favors. Well, last Thurs, it went downhill again. He let me know he was going on a business trip to CA with work and she was going. I got defensive. He then told me more things, like he saw parts of her body, etc. It hurt, especially because he swore he told me everything during our 4 hr talk. I wasn't prepared for that. We argued, then simmered. Then collected on our earned "favors"...I asked for a kiss, for 1 min. He asked for more, the whole time saying horrible things like he will sleep with anyone he wants, when he wants. (I am the only one he has ever been with) It was so terrible. He left, angry. Then I called him, maybe 20 times, he finally picked up. I argued and demanded he come back home to talk. He said he didn't want to. I threatened to make a big ordeal. So he came. I can be horribly hostile/hurtful if I surpass an anger point. I have gotten better, but I still have so much progress to work through. He came back and we spoke outside, so we had to keep our voices down. We talked for 2 hrs, I let him know what I needed to feel safe and I desperately needed him to be honest. I then asked him to not call her after work. (He started talking to her at night again-2x/wk) I said she wasn't good for our situation and he got visibly distraught. he started pacing, his jaw went into a line, he even started to shake. I said, you see that feeling on loss you have when you think of losing her, that is not a good thing. He never agreed to stop talking to her. We left it that we would work on honesty and he would try not to assume my behavior or reaction. I said I would try not to grill him with questions and give him his space, and tame my temper. Last Friday, I did the paperwork for a Legal Separation. I told him I filed it, but I really didn't. We talked about everything in it, after awhile, he agreed to everything. He said he was sad but relieved it was done. He was happy it was only separation. Saturday was fantastic!!! Sunday, again, not so great. We got off the phone abruptly, and I felt he didn't care and didn't want to foster even a friendship. I called 3x throughout the day and texted twice. He didn't call back. He cancelled coming over due to going to a BBQ with some co-workers, in the same town she lived. His not answering put me into a frenzy. I imagined the worst, especially when it was 11pm and still no word. He was either in bed with her or in jail because he drank too much. Both were bad, one was worse. I did something drastic! I went out at 4am looking for him, for his car. I checked all of his family's houses, no luck. That sealed it for me, he was with her. We were suppose to talk last night about our children and his visitation. I was furious, so angry, and making up wild illusions in my mind. He called me at 5am, said he had to be driven home. That he had to leave his car at the BBQ and his friend picked him up this morning. I told him my pain, how if he doesn't want me to call him so much he has got to give me a bone. Don't let me mind go crazy like that. He understood but was mad. I still don't believe him totally, but I am pressuring myself not to ask anything more about it. If he was with her, I don't want to know! The thought hurts enough. I had my appointment with Chuck. I have done a lot of wrongs in the past couple of days. I asked for his honesty, on Thurs he felt safe enough to tell me more and I reprimanded him for it. I am being defensive and not positive. I am being manipulative, I had no idea some of those actions were manipulative and I am pushing him away further by pressuring. I am so frustrated at myself. I love this man. I love him so much. He is holding his ground and I am certainly making it much easier for his to pull away. I have to get it together. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have been on pins and needles since I heard about his trip that she would be accompanying. That made me crazy, I haven't been able to even think of anything more than the two of them in the same hotel just doors away. Of course he is going to leave, this seals the deal-he will be in the beautiful place (that he loves) with this new fling, no responsibilities of our children/family/wife. LIving the high life. I need reassurance, something to go on. I so badly want this to work.
