MLC with depression....double the fun!

[albamarie]

I just wrote this somewhere else and boy did it hit me:

"I want to learn how to GAL, I was 21 when we meet, it will be new for me without H, and not as a W, but as just me".

I don't know me without H or kids. I didn't ask for this change in my life and I don't want it!

That's said, I am forced to live different and except things as they are. I'm going to need some time to catch up.

[Cadet]

I didn't ask for this change in my life and I don't want it!

None of us asked for this but it is the cards we were dealt.
We need to play the hand with lousy cards.
And live to play another hand again tomorrow.
By using DB then one day you might get dealt a better hand.
There is no other way to approach it but head on.

GAL is a learning thing too.

Brainstorm and think about what it is that YOU want to DO.

Then you can make a PLAN to get there.

Try new things, something may click.

[albamarie]

So my H never came home today after work (6am) and has not called. He has made it a habit to go to the lakefront to see the sun rise, but that only accounts for 30 min lost.

He has only done this once before since his MLC (or ever) and it was last minute work (he's freelance).

The 5pm local news was reporting how the lake is very choppy and all beaches are closed. His one and only attempt to hurt himself was by jumping into the lake, into an undercurrent last yr.

He left here in a "good for him spirit" but I still worry. My one question will be answered tonight when he is due at work by 10pm. His boss would call if he doesn't show up.

I feel stupid worrying....and irresponsible not.

I tried to fill my day with my kids, keeping busy, calling the school about transcripts for myself and now it's that lonely time.

That time when it's Fri. and the kids have a life, the H is probably off GAL, and I'm home alone with the dog, tivo, and my computer.

It's so against my nature not to know where every member of my family is hanging out.

My H hung out with me so that was never a concern.

God willing he walks into the house tom. morning, how do I react to his full day absence.

I have to be nice, give him a pleasant person to come home to, look good in my PJ's, don't ask were he's been?

This is truly a test of myself!

[3KidsDad]

I think you've got it. Act " as if" anything else will feel it pressure to him.

I'm sorry he did this and it truly su@ks, he knows he didn't come home and any negative reaction is likely not to be productive. Your in our prayers, hang in there and plz keep us posted.

[albamarie]

3KidsDad - thanks for your post.

I am going to try my hardest to act "as if" he's going to see through it, but not say anything, as it's easier for him to feel that he's getting away with something.

But, if I react I will only cement his reasons for withdrawing from me.

I feel like I'm dealing with a child again, just as mine all became adults.

[albamarie]

H came home from work this morning after his full day absence. He was pleasant and forthcoming with where he was and how it came about.

I nodded and kept my cool...not asking why he couldn't call or WTF does EA need to him be her carpenter for. Again, he said it was all based on the fact that he made a friend who live near his work, as opposed to driving 25 miles home just to turn back at 10pm for work again.

Like were the only people who live in the suburbs. I know this is anger, but I didn't give it to him. Honest!

I was surprised at his forthcomingness...he looked into my face and said he's not doing anything wrong...it's a friendship based on craziness and her father was there so he could invoice him.

I spent the day yesterday staying busy, rearranging furniture among other things...H took notice and complimented me.

He's in that fourth stage of depression with regret, looking back at the other stages realizing the damage he's made, and how he's changed nothing in his life.

We spent the early morning talking about his childhood (by his initiation) and the abandonment of his father at the age of 5yrs old. He said he was a father's boy who waited by the door everyday for him to come home, until the one day he didn't.

His reflections are combined with assumptions which I briefly brought to his attention. I need to just listen while he's learning his way.

The anger always comes out though.... repeating how he's never ever going to be right or except his failures. Followed by...let him be the one who walks through the evil's of this world while the kids and I maintain our purity.

I just pray...keep it light, and look for things to do for me, my everyday struggle.

Then the finally....H questions "is there a God"? Followed by maybe he's just a F**N alien.

That's when I initiate coffee and a snack...my change the subject tactic.

[albamarie]

I've been with H all day today...I feel so lonely, it's like hanging out with and angry (immature at times) teenager.

I feel like it's been so long since I have been with an adult male. H is 7yrs older than I and it's means nothing!

Tonight is going to be a beautiful night...I, as an adult would like to go on a date. Not that I want to have an A, but some real conversation, laughing, have a drink, walk the lake front.

I don't I like being M and alone, treated as if I have the plague, thinking of the things I am now allowing into my dreams of GAL! I'm am women, after all!

[labug]

Tonight is going to be a beautiful night...I, as an adult would like to go on a date. Not that I want to have an A, but some real conversation, laughing, have a drink, walk the lake front.

I don't I like being M and alone, treated as if I have the plague, thinking of the things I am now allowing into my dreams of GAL! I'm am women, after all!

BINGO!

[albamarie]

labug-

Thanks for the encouragement!

[albamarie]

I'm in a catch-22 here. I need a car to work and GAL, but I need a job to help pay the car.

H says he want's to buy me a car, not so I can work to help pay for it, but for me to hang out. You know, do whatever I want....like I'm happily married, not a care in the world.

I'm becoming as confused as him.

So he lives here, works, cooks, cleans, sits on the porch smoking (since MLC), visits EA crap, talks more and more to me, doesn't touch me...but says he "can", goes to the market with me, and still says he's never going to change back.

WHO IS THIS MAN! I understand GAL, but this so messed up...my mind doesn't wrap around doing anything productive.

Today he served "me" the coffee I was brewing, sat down and watched my movie with me. I made mention to my S25-chef, that I was hungry, H got up to make full-on Sun. breakfast.

A week ago H said quickly, he was getting tiered of EA and how she acts. Just that quickly he changed the subject.

Yesterday after his all day Fri. absence H said he did carpentry for her and could see how she has different facades of craziness in her, maybe even personalities.

He said he's crazy like her so he can relate that side of himself with her. It's that whole OW excepting him the way he is now, no judgement.

I "carefully" spoke up and said if he's sitting here reasoning all this out with me he's not crazy. I went on (with a green light) to say he is confused and angry with life's turnout, but not...get welfare, social security assistance crazy, like she's been deemed by the State of Ill.

He agreed....shock!

He said he feels as if the finger of God took his hard work through life and mixed it around leaving him with the devastation.... admitted to feeling very confused.

He says he measures himself "now" by how much money he can bring in and want's to work 24-7, because that's all he's good for as a family man.

Then the hour of work comes nearer and he complains "he's getting to old for this, he doesn't fit in, he's out of shape, he just want to be home.

I know none of this is my doing but living around it does affect me, way too much!