Is it just me or am I asking too much of H to be available for events and birthdays of our son? I just expect him to be there. Right now our S4 is in baseball camp and while it's just 45 min of his time in order for use to be there on time, it would require H to leave work a little early. And by little I am talking 15-20 min. He has a job that he is able to do that as am I. When I asked him last night I reminded him of the time and if he was going with us he had to be at the house by 5:15 to eat dinner and get there on time. Of course he said he didn't know. I responded with "Well you know where we will be if your not home"
I have also asked him to request our sons birthday off which is next month. Plenty of time right. I just have this feeling he won't do it because of work.
I have learned to put my family before work but he hasn't it seems. Although I do give him credit for making it home Monday to go with us.
So.. since I am trying to change ME to make a better marriage. Any advice on how I not blow up when he decides to choose work over family? (I am just preparing in case that happens)
I have two little ones (3yr and 4yr). Their birthdays just happen to be close to BD.
My advice is to just do what you want to do. Give him a schedule and that is it. No invitation. Just the facts. No expectations. You are the bus driver. You keep your schedule whether or not passengers get on the bus.
SAY: "For S's birthday, we are going to xxxxxx for dinner at 6pm."
DO NOT SAY: "Would you like to join us for a birthday dinner? Where do you think we should have it? What time is good for you?"
When you have set plans, there is no pressure on the other party. They either make it or they don't.
When you throw out an invite and try to get them involved in the planning, then you are putting pressure on them. They are pressured to say yes. They feel bad if they can't go because they feel you need them to help.
Also, no expectations. None. Learn from me.
I asked the W if she wanted to go shopping for D3 after she got off work. I expected to do some shopping and then grab dinner and drinks where we would laugh and have a good time.
Shopping was pain. W was cold. Didn't want to talk. Didn't want to joke/laugh. As soon as shopping was done, it was "goodbye".
The rest of my night sucked. I had expectations.
It is not our job to teach them a lesson. Life will do it for us. If he chooses work over family, that is his decision and he will have to pay for it later. Just concentrate on you and your little ones.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Lost.. I love the bus analogy. What a great way to think of it. That is basically what I told him was be home by 5:15 if you want to eat, we leave at 5:45 and if you work late you know where the ball field is.
Does it ever backfire on you to make the plans without thinking about the other person? I know many times I have made plans and he will say "thanks for asking me" or on the weekends he will ask what the plan is because he assumes I have the weekend already planned for him and didn't say anything.
"Does it ever backfire on you to make the plans without thinking about the other person?"
Nope. Not at all. It shows you are moving forward. They can either come along or get left behind.
Remember, these plans are about your children. Not you and your spouse. Keep the focus on them.
What has backfired? Making plans because I thought about the other person.
I wanted to take my Ds to see Madagascar 3. I thought it would be a good way to spend time with the W. I would make plans to see the movie with the Ds and let the W know (invite). So I held off on taking them until I told the W my plans.
A couple of days later, I get a text from the W that she is watching Madagascar 3 with the Ds.
Now I have to wait until it comes out on video because I don't think a grown man should go see Madagascar 3 by himself. Creepy.
My W didn't make plans for me. I am not entitled to make plans with her. By trying to include her, I missed out on taking my Ds to a movie. I love to watch them at the theater. I loss my chance.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
That is a great point. I feel when I do make plans that he gets all mad about it like he can't do his own thing, which would consist of sitting in the basement playing computer games. I do normally go about my business but it makes me feel like I should always ask him before doing anything.
_______________________ T-13.5 M-13 S4 Trying to prevent the Big D and better my marriage
Totally annoyed with H last night..My S4 we start bedtime routine about 7:30 so we really need to eat by 6:15ish in order for him to let the food settle and play a bit. So last night.. and mind you he is the cook of the house, I started to cook when I got home (5ish) because I knew it would take an hour to cook. By like 5:50 it was done and yet hubby was not even home yet. So I continue on with dinner and figure screw him we will just eat he can heat it up. Right as we sat down at about 6:15 he comes walking in. Not a word about sorry I am late or anything. I said well the meat might be a bit dry because it was ready awhile ago. He said "Well I see your in a good mood" to which I said "a phone call would have been nice if you were going to be late"
WTHeck is up.. is it too much to ask that he pick up the phone to say he is going to be late?!? I could have said a lot more in a snotty tone to him but I choose to shut my mouth. His excuse for no call was "I was standing with my coat on keys in had talking to my boss" I just let it pass but it just annoys me. He is always like this, never considerate of his family. He could of at least said he was sorry when he walked in but nope, just sat down and began to eat.
You don't say in this thread but have you read DB/DR? Your pattern of interaction is nearly word for word a scenario out of "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." Your feelings about your H's lateness are valid but YOU CONTROL YOUR REACTIONS. Just because you feel annoyed does not mean that you have to act or speak annoyed to him.
What if, instead of throwing the fact that he was late in his face, you'd said "Sorry, I think the meat might be a little dry" in a friendly tone, and then not mentioned anything about him calling. Instead, you put him on the defensive right after he got home from work.
