No More LRT, but slow progress

[pookie69]

I know. I went weeks on this board basically talking to myself and a few other people. Now I am getting the big guns out to help me. I can't afford to waste it.

My best friend tells me that I need "unconditional surrender" from the W. How will I know she is done with OM if I don't ask? Do I wait until she comes to me and tells me?

I am too generous. It goes way beyond the W. I have always been the type to help others financially. It is going to be hard to not jump in and "rescue" the W. She might not even ask me for assistance.

The weakness/sucker in me thinks this is all bad timing. Am I an A-hole if I lay it out now?

How do you raise your kids?

There are consequences for crap behaviour.

Support them to help themselves to see that.

Don't rescue, lead instead.

Detach lovingly.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Actions are louder than words.

Cheers.

[HollyAnn]

Lay what out?
You are not supposed to be talking to her about your relationship.
Do not rescue her financially. You should not be subsidizing her love nest. Let her feel the discomfort and figure it out herself.
Memorize the following:
1. "Yeah, I can see how difficult this has become."
2. "This isn't working for me."
3. "No"
Repeat as needed to any of her problems or questions..

[chatterbug]

I know. I went weeks on this board basically talking to myself and a few other people. Now I am getting the big guns out to help me. I can't afford to waste it.

My best friend tells me that I need "unconditional surrender" from the W. How will I know she is done with OM if I don't ask? Do I wait until she comes to me and tells me?

I am too generous. It goes way beyond the W. I have always been the type to help others financially. It is going to be hard to not jump in and "rescue" the W. She might not even ask me for assistance.

The weakness/sucker in me thinks this is all bad timing. Am I an A-hole if I lay it out now?

407 you see. It is up to your wife to end it with OM. It is up to your wife to start telling the truth. It is up to your wife to want to repair the marriage. It is up to your wife to acknowledge and own her issues.

It is up to you to come to grips with the betrayal. it is up to you to determine and set your boundaries. It is up to you to figure out why you let this happen to you. It is up to you to build your self esteem. It is up to you to determine what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.

You do not say

"Wife , it is me or the OM."

You say.

"Wife, I have thought deeply about these past few months. I have owned and worked on my issues. I am now at a point where I am mentally strong and able to enforce my non-negotiable boundaries. I have decided that I will not be involved in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to the marriage. It is disrespectful to the children. It is disrespectful to me.

I am moving on from this point. With you or with out you. I know I will be fine either way."

It like if she says you are controlling and forcing her to be with the OM.

"Wife I have battled for our marriage. You have decided to bring a boyfriend into our marriage. You have decided to spend time and money away from our family. You have decided to lie. Not I."

If she says it's my journey , i need to find myself.

"Wife when you and I got married it was no longer just your journey. When we brought children into the world it was no longer just your journey. There are healthy ways to determine your spirit and soul. Such as training for a marathon. Taking classes to further education. Starting new hobbies. Volunteering. That is how you find yourself."




You see. Your problem is that you are not in control of your life or your marriage.

Your wife is.

Marriage is a partnership. Your wife has an affair. Your choice was to then give her 100% control.

Think about that.

That was your choice.

Wife you have disrespected and hurt me like no one else ever has.

So lets go on a trip.

Lets make sure life is as easy as possible for you.


No consequences.

No owning what she did.

Because you are afraid of her.

So you let the tide take you where ever it is going.

The CORE FOUNDATION of DB is to be number one. To back away. Improve yourself. To be the better person.

Nowhere does it say to be a door matt. To be afraid of her anger.

You are now in a state where after 15 years of marriage you will pay alimony for life.

So do you limp along for another 5 years afraid and then get taken to the cleaners.

Do you end it now.

Do you work hard on yourself and establish boundaries. Then determine if you want to remain in the marriage or you both come to the table and determine if you both can save the marriage.

4 choices.

Take off the rose coloured glasses and really look at who you are. Who your wife is. How your marriage was.

From your point of view.

It is valid.

I think you have forgotten that.

Really look at it.

Then decide what you want to do.

And work towards it.

I think you are in a worst state now than when you got the bomb.

All these posters want you to do is to start gaining control of your life again. Be a good person. Be respectful. Be honest. With yourself, with your wife and family. Healthy core values. That you teach to your children.

And some times this requires making some tough decisions.

And developing boundaries.

Growing up and becoming a man.

One who you are comfortable with.

I started to post to you because I see that your self esteem has been destroyed.

My goal is to help rebuild that.

[LostIn407]

Thanks for the responses.

"Wife, I have thought deeply about these past few months. I have owned and worked on my issues. I am now at a point where I am mentally strong and able to enforce my non-negotiable boundaries. I have decided that I will not be involved in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to the marriage. It is disrespectful to the children. It is disrespectful to me.

I feel confident that I can get this out. It is something that I would say.

I am moving on from this point. With you or with out you. I know I will be fine either way."

Don't know about this one. Does it need to be said? Isn't it a given?

I suspect her response will be that she doesn't know what she wants at this point in her life, she just needs time, etc....

To this, my gut tells me to respond with "Until there is noone else in your life, we cannot work on us. I can no longer disrespect myself and allow you to see another person while still getting the benefits of me. (don't like that wording)."


My W does something to me. I have self-esteem except when around her. I am successful in all other areas. I just am fearful of losing her.

We never fought. In ten years, I can't remember more than two or three arguments. I guess that is why this is so hard. This is basically a fight. When you fight a lot, you learn the boundaries of a fight. You know what to expect. This is all new to me.

[friday]

Thanks for the responses.

"Wife, I have thought deeply about these past few months. I have owned and worked on my issues. I am now at a point where I am mentally strong and able to enforce my non-negotiable boundaries. I have decided that I will not be involved in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to the marriage. It is disrespectful to the children. It is disrespectful to me.

I feel confident that I can get this out. It is something that I would say.

I am moving on from this point. With you or with out you. I know I will be fine either way."

Don't know about this one. Does it need to be said? Isn't it a given?

It doesn't need to be said, it needs to be SHOWN to her through your actions.

I read a previous post where you mentioned that the weak or nice guy in you is always jumping in to help people that need help financially.

Being generous and helping people who really need assistance isn't a bad thing - it's actually pretty noble.

Don't ever think that helping people is a bad thing and don't label yourself as a sucker for wanting to help people.

Just realize it when you're helping people if you're doing it to gain their approval and make them like you or if you're doing it to be charitable, selfless and make some type of difference in a person's life. Charity is a good thing.

If your wife doesn't ask for help, let her be for the time being, you don't need to rush in and rescue her.

If you are really ready to move on with your life, then do it, you don't need to make a statement to your wife about it because it will still be seen as a type of question to her or even more of the LRT that's manifested itself in another form.

If you want to be her friend, be her friend - just don't be a friend where you expect to hook up with her make her fall in love with you again. Be a real friend.

As for your kids, be the best darned father you can be to your kids. Part of this moving on process is actually part of the life lessons you will be teaching them (indirectly). You can either hang in there for years hoping that your wife "wakes up" and wants you back (and your kids will see this and possibly/probably emulate this behavior when they're grown up and married and have to deal with similar situations) or you can show them that you choose to make the best of your life and move on, detach lovingly from your wife and enjoy a great life without harboring resentment, bad feelings, etc. Living a great, positive, fulfilling life is an awesome thing to do and even greater skill to pass down to your children as far as learned wisdom goes.

Whatever happens, you don't want to force your wife to come back to you because you're "moving on".

"OK wife that's it now, I'm moving on with my life if you don't stop seeing OM and come home now!"

You don't want to do that.

You just want to move on with your life and enjoy a great life because life is meant to be lived happily and not wasted since the time we have isn't a guaranteed resource. If your wife chooses to be with OM that is her choice, allow her to make that choice and allow yourself to make the choice of moving on.

[chatterbug]

So what are your boundaries? List them out. List out what happens if they are tested.



And again... stop basing your thought process around what you think your wife may or may not say. Where is your voice?

If you think that your thoughts and opinion do not matter. Then just be quiet and take it until she leaves.

Marriage is not one being afraid of the other.

That is called abuse.

If I was you I would work on self respect first. Marriage second.

[LostIn407]

Maybe I am confused with the definition of boundaries.

Example?

[LostIn407]

I am meeting W for dinner in about 5 hours. I am going to just memorize what I want to say.

But then do I say it or just start declining invitations from her? I would say that 60% of the time, it is her inviting me to do things.

Help me deny her request. I do not help her financially right now but can see her asking me this month since she is changing jobs.

[pookie69]

But then do I say it or just start declining invitations from her? I would say that 60% of the time, it is her inviting me to do things.

This is codependency.

What does it take to change this dynamic?

[LostIn407]

I am really feeling like an idiot. Maybe I have been trying to absorb too much advice.

Who is codependent? Me or her? Is it me because she is controlling me when she invites me to do things?

But then I read about detaching and going dark. Wait for your W to invite you to do things, stop the pursuit. Confused how I am supposed to get her to invite me to do things but then her inviting me to do things is bad.