New to this and hating it.

[needgrace]

Thanks, RH.

I have not been involved much in the sitches with kids.... vets please chime in on how Jannie can handle this with her son.

vets, what do your think of her just sending an email to him telling him that S is asking and wanting to come up together with something to tell him? imho, you need to be careful with the wording so that he does not read into it that you are trying to guilt him.. tricky as i am sure he has his own guilt..

you can even test the email out here to get feedback on wording from the vets.

how are you sleeping and eating? this can be a tough time to do both.. another vet mentioned carrying energy bars so that she would have something whenever she was hungry.

take care, jannie.

[Jannie]

I am past the point of not eating and sleeping well. I really am in a good place these days. I get a lot of support from family, many friends and even co workers. I joined a church support group and have made new friends there as well. I stay busy doing things with my kids and friends. When all of this first happened, I was in such a low, low place that I barely functioned. I knew I did not want to stay there, but it is hard to get out of that. Detaching has helped that. I am worth more than being in that place!! I have myself and my kids to take care of. H can make an old fool of himself without my help!

I am taking things one day at a time. Future finances are still a big concern but it's out of my hands. That doesn't mean I've stopped worrying, just that I'm postponing putting a lot of thought into it.

[Jannie]

H sent me a text stating he had stopped at the house to drop off some movies. No one was home. I did not respond. He called about an hour later to see if I got the message and we spoke briefly. I told him S was missing him. Not to guilt him, just to give him the facts. He stated that was part of the reason he stopped by.

A couple of hours later, he stopped by again. I did not know he was coming. He took S outside to spend a few minutes with him. When they finished, he came inside but would not sit down, just stood at the door very uncomfortable. He left shortly thereafter.

A little later, he called me because D was not answering her phone and he wanted to talk to her. I relayed the message to her. He then sent a text to apologize for waking me up and I told him I was glad he saw S.

No huge improvements, but at least he saw S and we spoke in a civil manner.

[sayitaintso]

I am past the point of not eating and sleeping well. I really am in a good place these days. I get a lot of support from family, many friends and even co workers. I joined a church support group and have made new friends there as well. I stay busy doing things with my kids and friends. When all of this first happened, I was in such a low, low place that I barely functioned. I knew I did not want to stay there, but it is hard to get out of that. Detaching has helped that. I am worth more than being in that place!! I have myself and my kids to take care of. H can make an old fool of himself without my help!

I am taking things one day at a time. Future finances are still a big concern but it's out of my hands. That doesn't mean I've stopped worrying, just that I'm postponing putting a lot of thought into it.

Great job Jannie. When we realize that we really only have control over ourselves it can be a big realief.

[Jannie]

So what's next? I am enjoying coming and going as I please (as much as I can do with children) and not having to tell my whereabouts to anyone...but I miss having my family intact. I miss having a shoulder to lean on especially since my mom is terminally ill. I am finding strength within myself and I am given a lot of support from family and friends. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like having my husband around. Not the person who he is today, but the one he could be.

[Jannie]

H kept me up most of the night texting. He is really angry about how much money he is giving me. Nothing is legal yet, he figured the bills before he left and chose an amount that was needed to pay the them. It's about half of his take home pay. He is finding it very difficult to live on the rest. I completely understand that, but he did this to himself so why take it out on me? He says his life is going to be much better soon....meaning once paperwork is filed and signed. I don't have a lawyer or money to retain one. I am unprepared for the task ahead of me.

[Jannie]

H continues to complain about finances. He is angry that he is struggling because of how much money he gives me to pay the bills. I barely make it from one payday to the next. He won't talk to me except through texting. He often "baits" me for an argument but I won't argue with him. I will point out that he chose to live like this but fall short of getting into a fight. He makes mention of how much time I spend out with friends and thinks I'm blowing money. Nothing could be further from the truth. I do spend time with friends, but we do things that are practically free. Most of what I do involves all of our kids so it's not even that I'm leaving mine with a sitter. To him my life may look very colorful, but nothing could be further from the truth. I don't mind him thinking it though! Still, he most likely believes his life would be so much better if he wasn't responsible for his family. He has threatened to walk of his job to "cut me off". He is really not thinking clearly. I cannot do anything about that other than pray and wait. It's so frustrating to watch him self destruct and take us down with him. It's scary too.

[Jannie]

I gave up! Now he is fighting me over money and retirement pension.