Time for a new thread. Driving around listening to an old CD my brother and I made about 10 years ago. My brother laughed and laughed at my song choices. If you read them in order it is pretty funny. Basically the titles spell out falling in love then ending the R. I will share later. But I was listening to Paint it Blackand realized my darkness is passing. I have cried and been a little sad this week.
My STBXH has been out of town. This has been a very calm time for me. I am sleeping like a baby. I did have weird dreams last night, but most likey from the all-night long birthday party S22 threw for his friend. They didn't wake me up, the dog throwing up a slice of pizza someone fed him did....
I finally got the papers all corrected and ready to sign from my L. He said some things to me that I don't want to share on here. But it is all in order, and if STBXH signs it and I give it back to the L and he files it, I can be through the Big D in 4-8 weeks.
And so it goes. I still feel laid open wounded. And want to just be done feeling that way. But I do feel better ev ery day. My depression has really got me down, I am not motivated to do anything. But I keep picking out a few tasks and just stepping through them.
So my new life, when I build my new dream kitchen, and whatever else I do, will be filled with all the colors I love. Never again will I think about the room being acceptable to both of us. From now on it is all about me.
Aloha, I'm off to standup paddleboard. My flat stomach is the envy of my friends and I know that SUP is what is doing it.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Hey Wendy, wish I had some words of encouragement, but I don't that bastard depression has me in a pretty tight grip today too. As if all the sh!t H is doing isn't enough, work was horrible today, I feel like every aspect of my life is crap right now.... but anyway, what I'm trying to say is I can empathize... this too shall pass I suppose, I mean, really what other option is there? *hugs from PA*
Maybe you should go break out your singing game again...
You all know I was kidding about the flat stomach, right? I may have forgotten to use the sarcasm font.....
I ran into a sailing friend out on the water, of all places. I let her try my board. So she and her daughter went out together. (Trying out other peoples boards is part of the brotherhood of surfing. As is always waving to each other when we are transporting our boards around on our vehicles.)
A super hot guy on a bike with a surfboard on a rack threw me a shakka as I was driving home. And smiled a beautiful smile at me. Life is good!
I'm sitting here with my granddaughters, I just made a cake for the girl whose birthday party was yesterday. Someone brought two cake mixes and one tub of frosting and left it on my washer. So I made a big choc/white sprinkle swirl cake for her. Since the party went all night there are still 5 extra friends here. I just told my son that they are not all spending the night again. So after they eat their cake they all need to start making their ways home..... You know: You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!
One of the things I'm changing about me is not letting everyone walk all over me. My S22 kinda argued with me when I told him they all need to head out soon. But if he wants to have a bunch of people hanging around at all hours he needs to get a great job so he can afford them.
My STBXH never would back me up before and we actually had several people crashing here with S22 for years. My bills have gone down dramatically since they all cleared out. I have enough stress in my life without squatters. The studio apartment my S22 lives in has a seperate entrance and is up one level from the main level of our house, in case anyone wonders.
Anyway, I don't know where S22 will live when this D goes thru and this house sells. I am actually thinking maybe he can live with his dad. Maybe they can grow up together. (Sarcasm font)
I do see myself as a major enabler and am tired of that role. I have been taking steps with S22 to get him more independent of us money wise. Explaining to him that everything is changing. Then last week he walked off his job in anger. And was being very unreasonable to me.
He showed up with a new girlfriend. Who is a bit chunky and evidently doesn't like to miss any meals. Suddenly he was grumping to me about wanting money for food, wanting to cook fancy meals for her. And he got mad because I wouldn't give him money, and/or drop everything I was doing to run and buy him food.
My cupboards are over runnibng with food. I swear we could eat for a month if we just ate what was in the house. So I told him that. And he gives me attitude. I have raised a spoiled brat. Then his new girlfriend got in trouble with her parents for spending the night here. I would have sworn it was 3 days and 2 nights, but who is counting? She is also 22 and has a bachelors in psychology. She is unemployed.
Anyway, I have been hiding, reading, but not posting wondering exactly how to deal with all this. Last night at my meditation class the lama said to talk less and listen more. I just talked a lot here. And I am ready, willing, and able to listen to any of you with feedback on this.
I was reading a study about how troubled marriages often have troubled kids. And it is a chicken and egg kind of thing. As in it isn't clear which came first!
Okay, the girls woke up from their naps, time to play!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Squatter Update: At 8 pm Pacific Time I went out to where the kids all were gathered on my lanai and told my S22 I ment what I said earlier. He said he agreed. 10 minutes pass. I go back out to the lanai and pointedly have my granddaughters clean up. One of my granddaughters said she didn't want to clean up. I reminded her it was my house.
A few more minutes pass. Then I ask Old Squatter/Birthday Girl are they taking the cake with them? I then direct S22 to where some recycled food containers are to divy up the cake. One of them took the hint and left.
In Hawaii you don't bring home what you brought, you make up plates and take home another meal. All that was left was cake....
Anyway, I need some peace and quiet..... And some sleep!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Squatter Update: 11:01 pm Pacicic Time. I stayed up and got them all out. Old Squatter and her boyfriend just departed. After lingering in the kitchen for several minutes packing up all the excess cake and soda amd hot dogs. I feel bad they are all living in a crap place up on the North Shore. But they can all get jobs and their own place.
And yes, it is a long drive, guess they should have left earlier.....
See I have learned something from DBing. Their problems are not mine.
Good Night!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
My STBXH is headed back from his 2 week trip. And he did not contact me at all, after the initial text telling me he had arrived safely. He even quit sending me moves on Words With Friends. Actions do speak louder than words.
For all the mixed messages I feel he gives me, this past 2 weeks has been a plain message. He has moved on. It still hurts a little. But part of the process. I still find myself thinking about doing stuff for him, and just need to stop.
I was watching "Breaking Bad" and the main character was being told by his wife what she wanted him to do, as far as treating his cancer. And he said that he felt like his whole life was just being told what to do, never doing what he wanted, always doing what he was supposed to.
And it makes me sad that I was so engaged in running my H's life for him. And the fact that his parents were so thankful that I came along just shows the dysfunction was there before me. So they ran his life until I did.
Today I did a bunch of yardwork, pausing in the middle to run and get gas for the mower, because I was left an empty tank. (GRRR!) I did all my laundry, vacuumed all the sand out of the car and truck from all my adventuring and even made a small dent in my mending pile.
It has been a sad day for me. I just keep trying to step through it. Reminding myself that I need to mind my own problems and let everyone else mind theirs.
I was listening to Bob Dylan, Jack Johnson and Meatloaf today. Dang, have those guys had some heartache? Cracking myself up. And the song "Idiot Wind" by Bob Dylan could just be the theme song for MLC. Listen to the words sometime.
Well, I just got a funny phone call. I made a lamp for the bar where my DIL works. It is a round Japanese paper lantern, big, and it has about 100 little drink umbrellas mod podged on. A woman was going crazy for it, so they called me to set a price. She offered $300 or $200 and a round of shots for the house.
I told them $100 and the round of shots...... We shouldn't take advantage of rich drunk tourists. People are funny. I have made many things for the bar, tiki stuff. And they were all smaller and have been stolen. I used to be big in tiki stuff, used to sell it on eBay. That is where I got my screen name.
Anyway, I have been asking the universe to give me a little direction with my plans for the future. And that was a full on ray of light. I need to keep creating. I don't care if I get rich. I just love it when people like my stuff. I make so many different things.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Ummmm.....$200 for a unique one-of-a-kind piece of art? Why on earth didn't you take it? Why cut your price DOWN?
Oh yeah - because you, like many women and artists, DON'T VALUE YOUR TIME!
Seriously - I bet if you add up the true cost of materials, and ALL of the time spent designing, shopping, and creating - you just got paid less than minimum wage for your art.
I think what the universe is trying to tell you is, if you want to make a living from your art, you need to charge what the market will bear and stop underpricing (and undervaluing) your art!!!
