Things Could Be Going Better

[unbidden]

Update -- So my husband and I were supposed to go to Paris next week and he vacillated back and forth about going and just decided in the last few days not to go. He also sent me an email last night saying that he would like to file for divorce jointly. I called him as soon as I read it crying. I really don't want a D. So much for the 37 rules and Chuck's advice not to react. We ended the conversation on the note that we would talk or whatever when I got back. H stopped by today to pay me some money he owes me that I needed for my trip and, of course, we talked about the sitch. Will I ever learn? He said that he still loves me deeply but that he is done. There is nobody else but he will not file for divorce while I am so emotional about it. At the end of the conversation, he gave me a big kiss and a hug, said ILY and "bye sweetie." I feel like a tool for being so needy and don't know why I am expected to file jointly to divorce a man who promised to never leave me before we were married and now has not articulated any reason except he doesn't feel like himself when he is around me. (We are both attorneys and there are no assets/debts between us so there is no need for other attorneys to be involved.) I also feel like a tool for pushing him further away. Why can't I learn to be cool, calm, and collected? So now I am off on a trip tomorrow, alone, but am hoping to have a good time anyway. This just hurts me to my core and I don't always know what to do. I wish the pain would stop but I don't want him to hurt anymore either. Can I get a witness (i.e., some words of solace and advice)? Thanks, peeps, I love you all.

[jks]

I'm so sorry. Sounds to me like he still cares very much for you. Allow him the space he needs... no more R talk. Easier said than done, I know. But as they say, you want him to wonder what it is that you're doing/thinking. But how can he wonder if you're always telling him?

Have a great time on your trip! Find happiness in knowing you can do whatever you want while there. Freedom!!

[reachingHigher]

Unbidden, I'm so sorry.

I haven't been keeping up on your sitch, but wanted to tell you I'm so sorry. How can people ask for D via electronic means? He does seem sensitive to your feelings, at least.

I find Paris exciting. Have you been there before? My parents (stepmom is Parisian) have an apartment there which they spend half their time and half their time in the States.

I think you are very strong to determine to have a good time anyway. Maybe such a change of pace will help with perspective.

((( ))) hugs to you tonight.

[2chiquitos]

Enjoy this time with yourself!!! Put DB on hold. Believe me, when you come back, you can DB your heart out. But for now, take care of unbidden!
HAVE A FABULOUS TIME!!! I'm so jealous!

[zig]

hi unbidden - big hugs to you.

go have fun in paris - and just take care of yourself.

believe nothing of what they say and half of what they do. and it's not done until it's done. the was's throw stuff out all the time, and being on their roller coaster is about getting caught up in it every time they do throw it out.

they might do what they say and they might not. my h threw that out to me 3 months ago and i was sure he'd do it the next day. but if i depend on whether he does it or not - then i allow him to keep me in a bad place constantly. he may do it, he may not - but what am i going to do in the mean time, right?

either have fun and live the best i can, or be completely crushed while i wait? choose the former for yourself.

detaching is about not getting caught up in what they say or do - to get on with our lives and just make the effort everyday to find things within ourselves that empower us and keep us in as good a place as possible. that's not to say we won't have bad moments, they will come up, but we will have good moment too.

don't think about the future too much, just focus on the days ahead of you and on enjoin your trip.

and while you're there, if you have to think about your sitch, change your focus on it to a different perspective and start thinking about what are the things you could do in a positive way towards your h. find the 180 within yourself that can upend him a bit. he will expect that you will be more and more miserable after this - but if you are more relaxed and happier and not showing him that this affects you the way he expects it's going to - that will put a little salt in his porridge! he is depending on you to be miserable to keep doing what he's doing. if you start being happy - that will foil his plans, right?

so hugs again and have a great trip. come here if you need support

zig

[unbidden]

Thanks JKS, Zig, Vero, and Reaching. Your words have really helped me today. I really love you all. Another update -- H called me early this morning and asked if he could borrow my car for his trip with his brother (which he is going on instead of going to Paris with me). WTF? I really didn't care about him using my car while I'm gone and when he came over he said that it was really sweet of me to agree (my car is more comfortable for long rides) and said that he had missed our connection when we had been estranged. I told him that I agreed our old marriage was dead. That was my 180. It totally shocked him. I could see it in his face. He asked me what a new relationship between us would look like (other than marriage, I'm assuming) and I said that I would have to think about it. He called me sweetie and again gave me a big kiss, ILY upon leaving. So at least the last memory he has of me is positive now (instead of the driveling picture I left him with yesterday). You all give me strength and hope and that, in this world, is truly priceless. Thanks for making me feel less alone.

[unbidden]

Another update-- so my H left a check in his car that he needed so he had to come meet my (as we had switched cars) and he ended up taking me to the airport. We had such a great time in the car, joking like when we were first dating. He even insisted on giving me all the cash he had so I could afford to take a cab at the airport to my destination. H also said ILY, kept calling me sweetie, and when I asked what I could bring him back from Paris, he just said "all I want is for you to come back safe." Awww. I am not going to have expectations but am again heartened that I haven't totally self-sabotaged my DB efforts. Love to you all.

[2chiquitos]

that's sweet unbidden. keep those endearments in your mental treasure box and enjoy Paris.

[zig]

hey sweet girl - you're doing way way better than you thought you were - really.

we get so caught up in HOW we are DB'ing and whether we are saying the right things or not, that we can't see when the positives are happening.

if you haven't yet - make a list of these tiny little positive interactions that happen with your h.

but also make a list of the do's and don'ts for yourself - and at the top of it put: DON'T GET DISCOURAGED.

on your list give yourself warnings - simple ones like - not a good idea to do this (something where you saw your h withdraw when you did or said something)

then don't forget to read the list everyday.

right now - we have to focus on those tiny tiny little things - and completely take our minds off the end goal, okay. it's hard to start doing but once you do , it will get easier

look at it this way: remember 25's words about looking back and regretting how much time she wasted?

so would you rather waste your trip thinking about your h and focusing on him NOT being there, or would you rather spend your trip having fun and doing all these wonderful things, so you when you tell him about it you will be bubbly, full of fun and good experiences - and that energy will emanate from you.

but don't have fun just fro that - have fun fro yourself - but then you have material to use towards your goals.

the whole car episode and things he said - you weren't expecting that were you?

a thought i just had - we talk so much about expectations here - don't have them towards our spouses. but we completely forget to talk about expectations for ourselves. I think we should focus on those a lot more. Here are some i have started to say to myself:

I expect to be happy
I expect to enjoy myself right now
I expect that things will work out well
I expect myself to make this shift away from h towards myself


try some of these during this trip - every time you are about to mope about him not being there - recite it like a mantra - while you do a cartwheel, leap onto a lamp post and hang upside down in the street from a shop awning eating a croissant and yelling I expect to have fun right now no matter what!!

oh and plan a picnic all for yourself in that forest behind the Louvre - go walk deep in there - it's the most serene place - and have that picnic outside the " castle " that your h is trapped in. don't forget to face your back to it (grin)

so be determined to have a great time, and come here so we can hold your hand through it

(((( ))))
zig