My story sounds similar to others on this forum. I've been M for 4yrs this August and have been together 5yrs. We have two S together, one is from W previous relationship. This Feburary she told me she wanted to seperate because there was too much negativety in the house and she wasn't happy anymore. That I was pushing her away for the last two years. She then changed password to her email and Facebook. I started giving her space, I was sleeping on the couch for 3 week. I started changing doing everything I could do be the H she wanted. Soon after I found a MC and I went first, then W went to two session together. W decided not to go anymore because she felt uncomfortable with MC and felt MC was on my side, which is odd since MC told us that all of the problems were casued by me. From there I read DB, but really didn't apply the techniques, I just tried to do everything possible to make her happy. I would get a day where I felt we were making progress and then the next day W would be cold and distant, this has been going on for three months now. I would talk to W about our R, she would tell me that she is trying, which I feel she hasn't put in 100% effort. W then told me ILYBNILWY and she would need to fall in love with me again. I just get mixed signal becuase during this intinal turmoil she wanted to book a family vacation which we did for this July. W since Februray hasn't willing kissed me on the lips she just turns her face so that I kiss her on her cheek instead. Also our intimacy has been declining, it feels like we are just serving a need and not connecting which I hate. But then W has continued to be talkative to me when I get home and on the weekends, telling me about her day, work, and upcoming family events which confuses me how she can be this way. I just recently found another MC for us to go see, but W doesn;t want to go. So I went by myself, after explaining to the MC my situtation she suggested I serperate from her, which I dont feel like doing. I also want to note that during this whole time she hasn;t worn her wedding ring, and I just recently took mines off. Just didn't want to remind myself of our marriage that is in turmoil. So since Father's Day I started doing the 180 technique, like not doing everything for her and I have notice a slight change in her, altough W is still talkative to me, I know she wants to tell me about her day, just dont know if I should continue being talkative back? So far I've just been listening to her, making some eye contact when she talks, and just adding enough to her conversation so that she doesn't feel like I'm cold/distant. In my heart I know we can make it work, I have just started changing to protect myself from feeling hurt and getting back some of the power I've giving to her.
Hi Hopeful, I'm new too and confused. Sounds like a similar sitch. My H is always talkative and civil, but still insisting he wants D. Can't work it out. I'm DB'ing my brains out. I believe we need lots of patience for this. Good Luck.
Is she making any plans to actually separate or is it melts of an in-house separation? I agree that the mixed signals are hard to interpret, but i have learned not to read into it. Just take what she says and does as information without trying to analyze it. It's easier to focus on yourself if your not consumed by figuring out what she is doing.
M-31, W32 S12, S9, S8, D3 M 12 Years Bomb dropped: 4/30/12 ("I need to be happy") EA discovered: 5/8/12 W denied PA unsure Moved out 7/6/12
Since my inital post there has been significant improvement. I started to detach and even told her one day in bed when I tried to touch and she moved away that i cant do this anymore. She replied that she was tried. So continued to detach so I wouldnt continue to get hurt. A few days later it was like a light switch came on. W started acting more caring, even offering to do things for me. The biggest change was the kissing on the lips, since the begining of the she hadnt just turn her face and let me kiss her on the cheek.
Although it has been only a week of this change, im happy some progress is being made. There are still issues I want to resolve like W wearing her ring, and W giving me the password to her email accounts which I always had until this Feb. but Im just being patient and letting things fall back into place. Also we are leaving for our family vacation this week, and hope to have a great trip and connect even further. I will keep you all posted.
The vacation went well, I notice when I start dettaching W becomes more caring and attentive. I feel that she is trying to make it work, but something is blocking her to allow herself completely come back to me. The more I show affection and wanting to be with W, it pushes her away. Then when I dettach W becomes more caring and attentive. Just dont know how I could continue, because I hate that I need to dettach in order for W become more caring.
My story sounds similar to others on this forum. I've been M for 4yrs this August and have been together 5yrs. We have two S together, one is from W previous relationship. This Feburary she told me she wanted to seperate because there was too much negativety in the house and she wasn't happy anymore. That I was pushing her away for the last two years. She then changed password to her email and Facebook. I started giving her space, I was sleeping on the couch for 3 week. I started changing doing everything I could do be the H she wanted. Soon after I found a MC and I went first, then W went to two session together. W decided not to go anymore because she felt uncomfortable with MC and felt MC was on my side, which is odd since MC told us that all of the problems were casued by me. From there I read DB, but really didn't apply the techniques, I just tried to do everything possible to make her happy. I would get a day where I felt we were making progress and then the next day W would be cold and distant, this has been going on for three months now. I would talk to W about our R, she would tell me that she is trying, which I feel she hasn't put in 100% effort. W then told me ILYBNILWY and she would need to fall in love with me again. I just get mixed signal becuase during this intinal turmoil she wanted to book a family vacation which we did for this July. W since Februray hasn't willing kissed me on the lips she just turns her face so that I kiss her on her cheek instead. Also our intimacy has been declining, it feels like we are just serving a need and not connecting which I hate. But then W has continued to be talkative to me when I get home and on the weekends, telling me about her day, work, and upcoming family events which confuses me how she can be this way. I just recently found another MC for us to go see, but W doesn;t want to go. So I went by myself, after explaining to the MC my situtation she suggested I serperate from her, which I dont feel like doing. I also want to note that during this whole time she hasn;t worn her wedding ring, and I just recently took mines off. Just didn't want to remind myself of our marriage that is in turmoil. So since Father's Day I started doing the 180 technique, like not doing everything for her and I have notice a slight change in her, altough W is still talkative to me, I know she wants to tell me about her day, just dont know if I should continue being talkative back? So far I've just been listening to her, making some eye contact when she talks, and just adding enough to her conversation so that she doesn't feel like I'm cold/distant. In my heart I know we can make it work, I have just started changing to protect myself from feeling hurt and getting back some of the power I've giving to her.
Be aware of the "pursuer and distancer" dynamic. With this knowledge, you can make one who is wanting to be more distant to come toward you. It is accomplished exactly the opposite of what is going to be intuitive...
I read the article it was an eye opener! Last night we had a conversation about us. W commented that I seem upset the last two days. I was dettaching becuase there are things I want to change. W doesnt keep me informed about her day as she use to. W told she doesnt feel like telling everything she does anymore. I asked W if she is invested in making this work, she said yes, but it hard. W says she is trying but she doesnt feel the way she is suppose too. Example W give me was I use to miss you when you were gone and wanted to know what you were doing, now I dont. I just told her that if both of us want to make it work, that we can do it. Just staying patient. Anymore advice is always appreicated.
I read the article it was an eye opener! Last night we had a conversation about us. W commented that I seem upset the last two days. I was dettaching becuase there are things I want to change.
How do you think this conversation realates to pursuit and distance. You are distancing and she asks you if you are upset?
