Hi people, I honestly didn't think I'd be back - even wrote a thank you to Michele -but here I am and in a very confused and depressed state (no tears though this time - what does that mean???)
A quick catch up on the first waw sitch. W said "you'll never change". Went and stayed with a mutual female friend (who I thought was the cause - now I know otherwise). Three months away. Her having lots of fun. Did what I needed to do. Work on me. Send supporting messages. No effect and eventually went dark. Boy did that work! (for me - don't do it unless it's the very last resort - it's a very nerve wracking time I promise). Family court ordered a sort of maintenance. We met, chatted and just after this things came right!
We never resolved anything though - no counselling - W said that we shouldn't need too :-( Tried numerous times and the same result. Nothing.
Had an accident last August (not my fault). Hit lady who ran a red light. Broke femur, wrist and sever thump to the head (I was on a motorcycle). Spent two weeks in a coma, three months recovery. Still ongoing nearly a year later but MUCH improved. W was an angel. Visited every day. Nursed me. It was a very stressful period. Went off alcohol!!!! Net result was we "lost" a lot of friends who used to come to our house. This HAS got better over the past month - I can feel the improvement. My W seems to think I'm just "that way" and will never change (again). She moved to the spare room two weeks ago. But surprisingly didn't leave our home which I took as a good sign.
Had a fabulous week last week. MIL came to stay. W was smiling at me on and off (not a "I'm going to do something" smile). Called me the usual "my lovey" on occasion. I was under the impression that things were accelerating towards full normalcy.
Not so - today I get an email from a lawyer acting on behalf of my W. There's a settlement agreement on it's way. I mustn't evict my W (as if I would). I need to pay her an allowance of $1,000 a month (at exchange rate). I mustn't swear or mentally harass her (again - as if I would).
People - I've lost the plot!!!!! The lady who was involved last time is on her way round now with a shoulder to cry on.
i don't have much to offer - except to say stay still and let yourself calm down before you react.
can you afford to get a coach?
sorry to say - but the fact that you didn't resolve things after the first separation - this was inevitable - she didn't do the work and so it was just a matter of time.
about your accident - i've been there and just the long term effects of the whack not he head - is enough of a challenge all by itself. are you getting help for that? that's the first most important thing - it's hard to think straight and the brain gets overwhelmed real fast, so pace yourself and watch for those signs and just take the time to step back and not do or say anything when you are in that state.
as for her demands in the settlement - i don't know your whole sitch - but they sound a bit unfair - maybe you should talk to a L and see what you do have to give her.
focus on taking care of yourself - first. there's no hurry to respond to any of it right away. don't let her pressure you. she'll kick and scream, i'm sure -
i think a little off hand casual shrug from you in response ("well, sorry this has come suddenly, i need time to process and see what is in my best interest" kind of answer) to her pressure will be the best thing right now until you get your feet under you and can think a bit more clearly
i'm sure your old friends and plenty of new ones will come on to help
be strong
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
zig - I appreciate the "words from the wise". It may not seem much to you but it means the world to me.
Can't afford the coach - long distance from Cape Town is not really an option - and I did it before and I'll do it again - just got to get the W to realise we DO have problems that need addressing.
Being calm is a hard thing to do when it seemed to be going so well only to get the bombshell at lunchtime.
I've been taking it easy as much as I can - work has been very understanding and supportive. I'm getting back to the pre-accident mac
My doc(s) have been surprised at how well I've done! I have a feeling that something connected to this has caused my W to do what she's done. She wouldn't believe that I wasn't 100% better so I printed out a couple of pages from the 'net showing that what had happened to me can take time to heal. I have a feeling she now feels very pressurised (and maybe feeling a little annoyed with herself). She hates to be proven wrong! And I'm not asking/looking for sympathy.
I'm definitely going to avoid walking on hot coals around the W and letting her make demands. After all I've been supporting her staying at home for the last year. And kicking and screaming is something that I would love to hear from her - some outburst to show that she's thinking about things and not resigned to the D.
Once again zip, thanks so much for the post. Appreciated and I'm going to be following you around
I was wondering if a lawyer could help you slow the process down...
Or, perhaps you could send the response letter yourself, agree to the items that are no-brainers and asking for further info on the others to buy some time and emotional distance..
Why a separation agreement instead of a divorce agreement? Is that something to do with the laws there?
Stay strong. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I really am the sort of person who doesn't want to go though this (again - wake up call?). I'm just hoping and praying it will go away and prepared to do just about anything. My W, on the other hand, is one that does the "knee jerk" response. I have the strongest feeling she is going way over the top to get a point across to me - because of my lack of "changes" in the past? Weird way of doing it.
I have a feeling that I really do need to get some serious advice - not because I want this to happen, but as you mention, some distance.
I've already backed way off (sent the W an SMS saying just that) which just seems to me like giving in and letting her drive the car in any direction she wants
As to the "Settlement Agreement" thats just what it is here - settle all the arrangements. Even down to paying out my retirement
It's also known as a "Consent Paper" which will set out the terms on which my W wishes to finalise the D.
need grace gave you good suggestions - i would follow them if i were you.
I'm just hoping and praying it will go away and prepared to do just about anything
get rid of that attitude ASAP, also.
you don't do anything. you do the things that work!!
look back and try to remember what you did that worked - start your 180's. my instinct is telling me that there's a bit of groveling in your energy - maybe not in your words/actions but in your energy. and it's coming through to wife and she's using it
so what if the letter says july 7th. hat's ridiculous - you can't be pressured into giving her what she wants just because ether sloped a random date on it.
get a bit pissed - it's a better place to be than where you're at which is in despair and fear. as long as you let the despair and fear dictate what your responses are you won't be able to take care of yourself.
the trick here is to move yourself up the emotional ladder first to a better place and then you can act in the way that's best for the sitch. here's how it goes lowest rung: despair and fear - nothing good happens there next one: anger, irritation, frustration - you can see the reality a bit clearer and see where your needs aren't being met next one: as those emotions release, they are replaced by a bit of clarity and then you can start seeing the more positive aspect and as you PMA gets more positive, you can start to look for the correct solution
the other thing to keep in mind is that these are NOT emotions that you show to your wife - these are what you go through yourself.
with your wife - ACT AS IF you are happy and co-operative. just don't co-operate in anything that doesn't serve your own interests - emotional, physical or financial
as for me being wise - lol - where on earth did you get that impression? you haven't read my crazy ranting posts,
the only thing i've wised up to lately is that staying in fear and despair is the one thing we need to get ourselves out and away from
will check in later . got to run
take care zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
way to go, zig... loved your post on the three rungs. i stayed on the bottom one for a long time and it pushed my W (a knee-jerker too) further and further away. the knee jerker seems to get more angry and frustrated when their forward progress is hindered in any way, even emotionally by the guilt that fear/despair from the LBS brings up for them.
if you don't feel strong - fake it till you make it, mac. you will find that leads you to access an inner strength that you never knew you had.
you had incredible strength to get through the physical recovery you described, so i am confident that it is already there within you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
