I was asked to take someone's place at one of the toughest races in my area. He was injured and couldn't go. I lost the chance months before because of money and time. When I approached my wife about it she encouraged me emphatically to do it because it's something I've been wanting to do - and apparently she wanted the alone time.
The race was in the mountains. It was over 100 miles with about 11,000 feet of climbing. And if anyone has ever tried pedaling a bike up a 20% grade then you know doing it over and over and over can make you question your insanity.
In the end I got 7th place out of over 500 participants. Even though the placing was great I wanted to quit riding a bike halfway through when climbing a particular mountain. It was horrible.
Then it got worse for me. My wife was suppose to pick me up when I got home. I rode with a friend. I couldn't get in touch with her. Why? Well she was seeing her "friend" at the park. How did I find out. My friend had to take me home. I was ticked off pretty bad. When my wife got home she told me she never got the calls. With the way I've been lately I just said, Ok and moved on.
We were going out to eat and then going to shop for our oldest daughter's (my step-daughter) birthday. It was the next day. Our youngest girl (my biological) was with us and she was having a great time hanging out with us. Earlier however I was calling her to see if she could get in touch with my wife. She couldn't either. But during dinner after my wife was getting the race report out of me, my daughter said something like, "Mom, I tried calling So-And-So (the lady she was supposedly with) and she didn't know where you were. Daddy, asked me to try and get a hold of you because he was close to home and I had her number so I tried calling."
My meal was over. I tried like heck to keep a good attitude during the meal. But I felt this wash of emotions come over me that I had never felt before. My body hummed and it felt like I was in a tin can closed off. This was it. I've told my wife that if I find out she was seeing him ever again, even in friendship, I was leaving.
We left the restaurant and I was driving in silence. My wife was occupied with something and talking to our little girl. Looking back I'd have to say my wife remained pretty calm.
It wasn't long before we were at the store we were going to shop at. I told our youngest to go look at some stuff for herself. I then went up to my wife and said, "Enough with the lies. Isn't it tough to try and cover your tracks and keep this story up? Haven't you had enough?" She denied it at first. Then I got more in her face. "The TRUTH!" She looked at me and asked me to get out of the isle and to quit making a scene. I moved over and said it again. "THE TRUTH! Where were you?"
"Fine. I was with him."
"Him who?"
"The same guy."
"Where?"
"At the park" The conversation went on a little bit more. Then I gathered myself and ...
(I need to leave for a bit. I'll tell you more later.)
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
. . . My meal was over. I tried like heck to keep a good attitude during the meal. But I felt this wash of emotions come over me that I had never felt before. My body hummed and it felt like I was in a tin can closed off. This was it. I've told my wife that if I find out she was seeing him ever again, even in friendship, I was leaving.
. . .
It wasn't long before we were at the store we were going to shop at. I told our youngest to go look at some stuff for herself. I then went up to my wife and said, "Enough with the lies. Isn't it tough to try and cover your tracks and keep this story up? Haven't you had enough?" She denied it at first. Then I got more in her face. "The TRUTH!" She looked at me and asked me to get out of the isle and to quit making a scene. I moved over and said it again. "THE TRUTH! Where were you?"
"Fine. I was with him."
"Him who?"
"The same guy."
"Where?" "At the park" . . .
Well, she violated your boundary, obviously. What are you going to do about it?
btw, why should YOU be the one to leave? You didn't do anything wrong.
She's an addict. You really can't believe anything she's telling you. Maybe she was with him. Maybe she was feeding her drug addiction. Maybe both.
But the bottom line is, what you've been doing hasn't worked, and it may indeed be time to save yourself and your girls and let her hit the bottom. Some addicts need that in order to start to recover.
Get to some support for yourself - individual counseling or a divorce care group or Al Anon. And take the focus off of your hurt and abandonment (which I know triggers some childhood issues for you) and focus on your girls and making this as safe as you can for them.
Also - check out a book by Richo called When The Past Is Present - I think it might be helpful for your own issues.
((((hug)))) Sometimes it gets much easier once you drop the rope. "Let go or be dragged" was my motto.
I left because I want my girls to maintain a little normalcy. My wife has a part-time job and can tote them around more than I can. Plus, I wanted to leave. I felt more comfortable leaving and being on my own for a bit. I can manage things better this way - stepping away.
And honestly, I've been planning this for some time now. I knew in my heart something was going on and I had a plan laid out. I guess being self-coached in cycling you learn to lay out plans for everything. And because of it I feel pretty darn good about my decision.
I get a little lonely at times. My love for my wife has deepened over the past 3 years as I worked on myself and us as a couple. I worked hard. Very hard. Because of that I have no regrets whatsoever. None. I can honestly look back and say that what I did was exactly what I should have done with the decision I made to stay with her.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I left because I want my girls to maintain a little normalcy. My wife has a part-time job and can tote them around more than I can. Plus, I wanted to leave. I felt more comfortable leaving and being on my own for a bit. I can manage things better this way - stepping away.
And honestly, I've been planning this for some time now. I knew in my heart something was going on and I had a plan laid out.
Oh okay, good. (((sphew))) Then you must've run it past your family law attorney, to get their opinion on such a move. What did he/she say?
I don't know you too well, but what I do know I don't particarly care for. You seem bitter and you sarcasm is useless and cliched. Go somewhere else and hassle someone with little less on their plate because I plan on staying in a good mindset.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
Aww, tpc - I don't think STarsky meant that in a bad way. I think he just wanted to make sure that in your haste to get yourself out of a very painful situation, you weren't doing something that could get you messed up legally in terms of custody, support etc. I know that SOMEtimes, in some states, there's an advantage to staying in the marital home and getting your spouse to move out.
Also, while I agree it seems to make sense for your wife who is working part-time to have kid-ferrying duty - just ask yourself if that's safe? If your wife is still drinking, using drugs, whatever - can she be trusted to drive the kids around? Would they be better off in your care? Is that possible?
Also - please do everything you can to protect yourself financially. Talk to an attorney, but you may want to take half of any bank accounts and set it aside until you can work out the financials. Don't let her go in and clean you out. Cancel joint credit cards if you can. Just be smart about the practical business side of things.
You have to be careful about setting precedence at this time. You are already struggling with finances. This will add to the burden. And if you can pay for it now. You will have to pay for it down the road if things continue down this path. Life will become very difficult.
So either you are doing one of those. Let her feel the full wrath of responsibility ( children, bills , taking care of home, work ... etc ) while you step out for a few weeks breather
Or you are setting yourself up to support her habit , her lifestyle , while at the same time removing yourself to become a part-time dad. Or worse.
Think about it.
You may change your mind on normalcy.
As you may get caught in a catch-22
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I don't know you too well, but what I do know I don't particarly care for. You seem bitter and you sarcasm is useless and cliched. Go somewhere else and hassle someone with little less on their plate because I plan on staying in a good mindset.
Sorry if I offended, tpc. I've posted to you for a long time, and have only tried to challenge your laissez faire thinking. If it just annoys you, I'll no longer post to you, and wish you well.
Do give the atty advice some serious thought, though. "Abandonment" is a very real legal concept when one spouse voluntarily leaves the house and kids. I'm not telling you anything different than a good family law attorney would advise.
