My story sounds similar to others on this forum. I've been M for 4yrs this August and have been together 5yrs. We have two S together, one is from W previous relationship. This Feburary she told me she wanted to seperate because there was too much negativety in the house and she wasn't happy anymore. That I was pushing her away for the last two years. She then changed password to her email and Facebook. I started giving her space, I was sleeping on the couch for 3 week. I started changing doing everything I could do be the H she wanted. Soon after I found a MC and I went first, then W went to two session together. W decided not to go anymore because she felt uncomfortable with MC and felt MC was on my side, which is odd since MC told us that all of the problems were casued by me. From there I read DB, but really didn't apply the techniques, I just tried to do everything possible to make her happy. I would get a day where I felt we were making progress and then the next day W would be cold and distant, this has been going on for three months now. I would talk to W about our R, she would tell me that she is trying, which I feel she hasn't put in 100% effort. W then told me ILYBNILWY and she would need to fall in love with me again. I just get mixed signal becuase during this intinal turmoil she wanted to book a family vacation which we did for this July. W since Februray hasn't willing kissed me on the lips she just turns her face so that I kiss her on her cheek instead. Also our intimacy has been declining, it feels like we are just serving a need and not connecting which I hate. But then W has continued to be talkative to me when I get home and on the weekends, telling me about her day, work, and upcoming family events which confuses me how she can be this way. I just recently found another MC for us to go see, but W doesn;t want to go. So I went by myself, after explaining to the MC my situtation she suggested I serperate from her, which I dont feel like doing. I also want to note that during this whole time she hasn;t worn her wedding ring, and I just recently took mines off. Just didn't want to remind myself of our marriage that is in turmoil. So since Father's Day I started doing the 180 technique, like not doing everything for her and I have notice a slight change in her, altough W is still talkative to me, I know she wants to tell me about her day, just dont know if I should continue being talkative back? So far I've just been listening to her, making some eye contact when she talks, and just adding enough to her conversation so that she doesn't feel like I'm cold/distant. In my heart I know we can make it work, I have just started changing to protect myself from feeling hurt and getting back some of the power I've giving to her.
Even though you are on moderation right now and it will take a while for your posts to be seen by others, try to include spacing in your posts and use this thread to journal and make observations or even to vent.
Eventually, more members will join to support you and you will eventually get off moderation.
Do you think backing off and letting your W just talk, and validate her without offering any advice or fix for her, might be a good 180 to try?
Anything you do can take time. Days if not weeks. So when you try something, you will need to be patient and consistent. Eventually, you will know if it is working, not working or making things worse. Stop, if it appears to be making things worse. But if you try too many things at once, you may not actually know which one is generating change.
I want to make it work, deep inside I know we can. I think W does too, but cant be certian. I get alot of mixed signals from her. Ive notice when I get upset (not agrumentative) she becomes more talkative and friendly, which I hate becuase why does it need to get to that point. Overall we dont argue and we talk alot, well she does I usually listen and add to the conversation. We always have family events just about every weekend which keeps us busy. I feel she has a mental block that isnt allowing to fully tried to make it work. Im hoping our family trip will help out some, but thats just my wish. During one our R talks she told my why couldnt I make these changes when she was hurting, I just reassured her that they are permanant. She is in a different place than me now, these 4 months have been tuff on me.
