Has anyone been concerned about the welfare of their kids whilst in the care of their MLC spouse?
It may be my pregnancy hormones making me a bit panicky, but whilst I am letting DH do his thing etc. and I am concentrating on baby's arrival and the kids, I don't feel I can trust DH to do right by the kids at all. When baby comes I am going to be even more scared.
I feel that his overriding instinct would be to disrespect my wishes than consider my wishes are actually for the welfare of the children. Where I asked him nicely to set privacy settings on a photo he published publicly on FB of the kids, he's ignored the request, so internet safety for the kids is not important to him.
I told him I'd bought a new car seat, because the old one was too old (10 yrs) and advice (in the UK) is not to use the same car seat beyond 5 years. The old one happened to still be in the house and he wanted to take it to put it in his van. I reminded him of the point I'd just made. He said nothing, but when he took the kids out, I straight away got the car seat out of the house, because I didn't feel I could trust him not to take it.
I worry because of his current behaviour about how to place what I would consider reasonable boundaries regarding the kids. I haven't dared discuss anything with him, I am waiting until matters are instigated by him. But I don't want him to take the baby anywhere by himself from newborn, because I hope to nurse and also first few weeks I wouldn't feel comfortable with baby being away from me. I would want me and baby to accompany him taking the kids out, so he could have baby time, but I am also there. But I worry that he may take the view of "you don't tell me what to do with my child" and just walk out with the baby or do something stupid.
My kids are my absolute weakness, everything I am doing is probably more so to ensure their safety and well-being than to actually have DH back at the moment. I know I am probably being extremely neurotic. You get people who say things like "he wouldn't do this or that to you". But his behaviour right now kind of proves to me that he could. I think I would have felt safer if he had completely abandoned us.
Penny, Yes, there are many posters here that have concerns about the mlcers and their children. You should check out some of the other threads, for example Trusting, Seeking Answers, Forward, Tadpole, and many others who post on the forum.
Also, just a little reminder to keep to one thread so that we all can follow your situation. It's okay to change up on subject lines within a thread or create a new thread after 100 postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Penny, I wanted to come back and reassure you that your hormones are not making you panicky. You have a very valid concern and I can see where you are worried about it.
Keep in mind that your h is going through his second childhood and yes, if you tell him no, you can best believe he's going to do whatever it is come hell or high water.
I doubt that he's going to want to take the new infant out and about because the infant will be too much like work. He doesn't want to be tied down feeding and changing diapers and God forbit nap times. He is definitel not going to want you along, especially is you are nursing. He may become a Disney Dad and only want to see the children from time to time. I suspect he will only want to see the new baby at your residence where you are available to care of the little one's every need.
I think the best thing that you can do right now is to focus on you and soon to be infant. You need to keep your anxiety level down and take care of yourself. Time will tell as to whether or not you are going to have something to worry about.
Have you got your crib ready? Bag packed? Contact information available?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Penny, You are going to be just fine...you've got your list and everything seems to be in order. Now, prop your feet up, relax for a bit and just breathe!
Worrying about the what ifs is going to stress you out. Take each day as it comes and allow tomorrow to take care of itself. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To answer your question, a resounding yes. I have 3 children, at the time of the divorce they were 12, 14, and almost 2. Midlifers think like children, so they put themselves before anyone, including their children. They also try to exploit your weaknesses, concerns, anxieties. My ex knew my children were the most important thing in my life. I had to make sure I kept my emotions in control and calmly set boundaries with him with the children. Often, the boundaries had to be repeated. On occassion, I had to invite my lawyer in on the boundary setting. It was a battle at first, but has improved considerably. True Ml'ers try to push your buttons and try to get you upset. They feed off of this energy and power. The more control you have over your emotions, boundary setting (often in writing) the smoother things will be. They will fight the boundaries but you have to maintain consistentsy and not waiver in any way. I hope this helps.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
The characteristics of MLC is seeming more and more to mirror Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although I hope DH will "grow out" of MLC eventually and NPD is for life.
I am in the process of learning which battles to pick and which will escalate to full blown war just for the sheer spite of it. Best to cut the supply off by least reaction.
PH, I am finding that it is best to avoid any interference with the MLCer/kid R. Of course you need to intervene with safety issues, but anything else, leave alone.
If you hover, you become the primary parent and the MLer is "helping" you.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
