I'm still over in newcomers trying to DB my marriage, but my H is ready to schedule mediation in the next couple of weeks and I'm the cliche everyone's heard of a W who had no idea about the financial side of their marriage, no separate assets, no clue.
I'm trying to gear up now by seeking consultations with financial planners, but I like to read books and wondered if any of you have recommendations of books or resources to help. I know I can google, but I'm looking to go right to the recommended best, or avoid problems learned by others.
I still hope we can reconcile but I'd be foolish not to start educating myself at this point. Any help much appreciated.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad 1st I would consult with a L. I would also reaserch your states laws around divorce/legal separation/alimony and child support. I would look into your local courts and see if they have free education booklets etc....
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I don't know for sure, but I know when my W and I went to mediation, getting the first meeting booked took a while for everyone's schedule.
Also, mediation MIGHT have each of you in separate to go through what you know and what you think you want. The idea is, they are supposed to help both sides.
Once you know who your H picked as a mediator, get some references. And if possible, like many things, shop around. Find three, pick the one you are both comfortable with.
A respected financial advisor suggested I look into collaborative divorce instead of mediation; in fact she very strongly recommended it. She suggested that in mediation the goal is for two adversaries to come towards each other to get agreement. In collaborative divorce a team of professionals is bound by their agreement to get the best result for both parties. They provide information about what you're entitled to ask for, where a mediator cannot.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Holy cr*p - a study of 199 cases in Boston found the average total cost was $6,600 for mediation, almost $20,000 for collaborative divorce, and then much higher for litigated divorce. I could see my H squeaking over $6K and having a coronary at $20K.
We have no great wealth between us and it was all accumulated together. I'm not sure he'll agree to spend up to $20K if he could do it for under $10K.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ah, well the definitions are probably the same here, but we will have a L be a mediator (when not specifically representing either party) and operate from a foundation of collaborative D, I suppose.
I guess the cost in your area is probably a little more than here, although at $100/hr to help the two of you come to an agreement for 66 hours (a couple weeks) is probably reasonable.
If you feel you can, then do that. If you feel you cannot, then I guess collaborative D would be the way to go.
Agree to do what works for you. I ended up bowing out of mediation because I was convinced that I would not be able to stand up for myself and my rights. In the end, my W's L came up with a reasonable SA offer, all things considered.
I worry most about the financial separation. We've been intertwined almost our entire adult lives. I don't have anything that's not his and vice versa. So I believe he thinks we split 50/50 and move along.
I also know that H believes he knows enough on any subject not to need anyone's help. So he's confident that with his own financial expertise and his brother as a lawyer we can do this on the cheap.
I want to go in with my own information and my own opinions:
1) what are the ramifications of keeping the house or selling the house? We can afford to keep paying the mortgage, but should he continue to own half? Should I try to buy him out? I read that in a typical D the wife wants the house and the H wants the retirement account, and the H ends up much better off. I'm not looking here for this type of advice, I'm looking for advice on how to get the best advice.
2) I understand if you get a financial settlement you need to figure 30% of it will go to taxes. Maybe there are ways to structure things to save your money...
3) How do I set up my own money after this to make the most of it and allow me to rebuild my life? I will need help investing and budgeting.
The lawyer's not equipped to advice me on this. The independent financial advisor I talked with first, I don't meet her minimums. The collaborative process seems to add a lot more - counseling, another lawyer, I don't know if we spend that $20K if we'll end up with anything more than peace of mind and $13K less money than if we did simple mediation.
I have a call lined up with a financial person who mainly does marriage and divorce work, but she charges $250 for the consultation (which can be applied toward her fees if I hire her).
I met a registered investment advisor at an expo and could do a free consultation with him. He'd be more along the lines of providing recommendations through the D and investment support on an ongoing basis.
I already recognized the need for IC and a lawyer. But I really feel like I need financial support too. That could be a recommended book at the very least, if anyone here read one that helped them.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
AD so far I have spent 5250$ that includes the retainer. W has spent the same so together we are at 10K. If we go to litigation add anothe 10k between the two. The house depends on how much you owe on it and can you afford the mortgage on your own. Also one of you will be paying child support and alimony. Retirements in my state are equalized. But every state is so different. We have always have had our own account and one joint for tax purposes. Maybe u should open your own.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
