Apologies for the interruption, but just needed to say - Brit, your post is spot-on for where I am right at the moment.
Thanks for sharing this important advice - and what the DB coach said about OW. It helps immensely. Just wanted to let you know how much your contributions mean to people.
I had to step away for a couple days and really let it sink in. I get it. I keep obsessing about H. By doing so, I'm not focusing on myself. I know it sounds easy, but I have seriously internalized this.
Another thing that also made me think. I have to stop wallowing in self-pity. Why should I be felt sorry for? I took the house keys away from him after I discovered the affair. Gave them back a few mos later. Took them away again when I found out he was still seeing her. Lock the house doors so that he can't get in when I'm not there.
I encourage him to come over often. Then when I discovered he's still seeing her I ran away to see my family in Texas. Then I came back and had him come over more often. Then last month I had him come over less cuz he's still seeing OW.
I'm also playing the game. I'm not a victim or a doormat. I have to stop. Stop pushing and pulling and just let go of the sitch! I'm probably tiring HIM out when I think it's the other way around.
My NEW & IMPROVED GOALS: 1- work on my anger!!! 2- stop obsessing about H 3- work on thought stopping (the affair) 4- BE PATIENT!!
This week I was the leader at my Al Anon meeting. My topic was on blaming. I blame everyone for my anger but my own d@mn self! IT'S MY FAULT I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THE AFFAIR! I CONTINUED TALKING TO OW FOR 2WEEKS ALMOST EVERYDAY GETTING INFO OUT OF HER. IT'S MY FAULT I KNOW HER SO WELL! IT'S MY FAULT FOR CONFRONTING HER! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER NEVER DONE THAT! IT MADE ME LOOK LIKE ANOTHER PERSON! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER SNOOPED! IT ADDED MORE GUILT TO Hs CONSCIENCE!
I need to PRAY, MEDITATE, WRITE, TALK, READ to get all this ugliness (anger, resentment,etc) out of me!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Wow V...that is deep and very insightful. You sound very much like me with the obsessing and spending all our time in them. I have not spoken with the OW, but lord knows I want so badly to text her and call her every name in the book.
Please tell me how you came to this realization. I am days, hours, moments from having my D final, and I feel and act as if it just happened. The pain is humbling....I keep thinking I am going to wake up and all this will have been a nightmare.
hi vero, please try to forgive yourself for all your "faults". you're only human. you are so much ahead of the game by taking responsibility for your actions. that's how we learn to become better.
i think you're doing great!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Today we took took the kids to their last swim class. D1 is awesome in the water, H n I think she might've been a fish in her past life! LOL!
This week I have been working really hard at praying, meditating, calling Al Anon members/sponsor, and attending meetings. It has helped tremendously. Anytime I catch myself thinking about my sitch, I pull out my tools and work on it.
As I posted before, his tattoo is a big trigger for me. Today I was able to work on this emotion by realizing that I don't have to forgive. Forgiving is optional. It's beneficial but no one is forcing me to forgive. At least not at that particular moment do I have to work on forgiving. That put the pressure off of me.
Also, I realized that not once in our sitch did I beg him to come back. Sure, I told him I wanted to try but I never begged nor cried for him to come back. I also never prayed to God that he come back. I thought that was interesting.
I think I'm in the early stages of detaching. I feel free'er. Decluttered. Happier. Not as emotionally driven!
God help me to continue this journey. This is the BEST PART OF IT!!! LOL!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
H planned for us to take the kids to the aquarium. I loved the idea and kept my mind clear of negative thoughts as they were coming at me like bullets! I worked at thought stopping, prayed, meditated. It went great!
H came over in the morning and gave me a bday hug. He said, I wish I could've gotten you something (cuz money's super tight right now). We had a great time. Even took a pix the 4 of us! (his idea). Went to lunch. Kids were asleep and there was a lot of quiet time. Small talk. Nothing intense.
All in all it was really nice. He's gone now. I have some things I'm going to do to keep me busy but I can't help but to feel a little sad. I thought that we would've reconciled by now.
Just gotta keep on going. Enjoying my kids and this peaceful time. My son has surgery Wed, Aug 1st. Please keep him in your prayers. I wish my family could be there but my brother and sister have made it clear they don't want to be near H and I would hate it if they made him feel uncomfortable on a day when he and I should be solely focused on S4!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
i'm glad too that you all had such a wonderful outing. You have to remember this day as special.When you thought stopped, had no expectations and didn't build yourself up to a tizzy over how it might or might not go, good things happened.
Your h was able to relax around you - and that is what you want to focus on as a goal - is to be relaxed and not expectant, yourself. it is the first teeny tiny baby step and it's hard to get it for a very long time, that the more relaxed we are and the less we resist what is going on - the more they can relax and stop running away from us.
so next time you feel the urgent rise of something needing to happen or to change, remember this and how it works. it changes because we change, and we change by not fighting the whole thing so much
I do hope you all make it through the surgery well and of course especially your son.
take care zig
ps - won't you come be with us at the picnic?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
