This journey started when I first found a flirtatious fb msg to n from H exactly 1yr ago. Then on July 30 2011 (days after our daughter was born) I discovered an intense emotional and physical affair.
I made the mistake of approaching OW and snooping. I made the mistake of focusing on H n I. However my mistakes were inevitable. I finally found my journey and reflected on myself. I have made huge changes, not only with H but the way I carry myself with everyone.
I have grown very impatient and I feel stronger where I can limit my interactions with H, xH I should say.
This morning I asked him why he didn't want to come back and he said, I question myself everyday whether I'm making the right decision, but I'm afraid to come back and leave again. I'm afraid I will feel the way I felt before (the affair) and leave.
It's been a year. I'm exhausted. This next journey will be more challenging because I will be the one to distance myself.
I told him to please stop coming over in the morning. S4 can change and feed himself. I now shower after bedtime. He can pick up S4 to take him to school but no more 6:30am visits before work.
He's shared at Coparenting therapy how much he enjoys these morning visits. He says, it's like coffee and keeps him on a good note all day. Yet for me it's when we are closer and it's too hard to distance myself at that time.
I seriously don't know if I'm making the right decision by pushing him away, but I am very tired and don't have the same patient as I did before.
Please comment or suggest!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I seriously don't know if I'm making the right decision by pushing him away, but I am very tired and don't have the same patient as I did before.
I don't know your sitch, so I'm not going to provide advice, but I will say I completely understand your confusion, because I share it. I've been working on me for about 15-16 months now and my W still refuses to commit to working on us. We're still living in the same house, and it's been really good at times, but it just seems without her trying, we've basically switched places. She treats me like crap, I run out of patience, say something I shouldn't, she gets mad and says she's done (our current situation again, unfortunately).
My only choice seems to be to let her do what she wants and suck it up, or cut her loose. I thought I was ready to cut her loose Saturday, as I'm thinking maybe she needs to be by herself to work thru some of her own issues (and it probably wouldn't hurt for her to see how difficult it is to do everything on your own), but I changed my mind before the end of the day. For me, it's more about getting thru our retrovaille program than anything else. If I didn't have that going, I'm afraid I would probably lean in the direction you seem to be going. I don't know if that's right, but it is difficult to continue to struggle with it day after day and keep a positive attitude.
I will say, if you think it's worth it, then I would try to hang tough. Especially when you have children.
thanks breakdown. I have learned that if I distance myself he does the same and if I try to come closer, he also does the same. In other words I can't follow all 37 rules with him or else it backfires.
In other words, pushing him away like this will make him pull away. However I can't stomach another 6mos like this or 4 or 2!
What worries me is that I won't stick to my boundaries. I'll change plans and say, oh to heck with it. Let's continue where we were at.
On the plus side, we are a lot closer than before. Every month we are closer BUT he's still in contact with OW and that's too much for me!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
One of the few things that has gotten through my thick skull is that time is on your side. Try distancing yourself and see how that works - if you change your mind in the future and want to start morning visits again you can change your mind. Maybe give the new routine 6 weeks to 2 months and then decide.
I know exactly how you feel you grow closer as a family but yet they continue down the same road. It makes no sense.
Praying for you:)
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I'm at the same point as well. My W has suckered me in with numerous different apologies and then pulls back days later as she continues her EAs with various other guys. I'm at a breaking point as well and done being the nice guy that puts up with it. My W has tried to blame problems on family, church, and many other things but never once admitting to EA or never once owning up to their own problems. I have been trying to stick to it due to my S but I have truly wore thin to the breaking point.
I constantly get asked how I keep going and putting up with it and at this point I wonder myself.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Please pray for me. I keep praying myself. Someone once told that these events are only a piece of a puzzle and there is something greater to all this.
This morning H said he thinks he may never commit to someone. This was like a siren for me because it's not the first time I heard a guy tell me this. Last relationship was 5 yrs and he told me from day one he never wanted to get married. Rebound guy (b4 H) was also a commitment phobe.
I'm beginning to see a pattern...
Before he left my place tonite he said, ok I'll see you guys in the morning. I had told him this morning he wasn't going to come tomorrow morning anymore. I didn't say anything. UGH! I don't initiate break-ups cuz I have abandonment issues. and this is a great example. HELP!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I will say, if you think it's worth it, then I would try to hang tough. Especially when you have children.
I do think it's worth it. He has made substantial changes in his behavior. I love the person this experience has made him. THIS is the person I would want to be with (minus OW). He appreciates me and values my input. He no longer feels like I'm attacking his family but understands how they suck him into their problems. He spends quality time with S4 and D1. He's become a better person in general. BUT the presence of OW is getting on my last f-- nerve. KWIM?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
H came over this morning. Early (6:45am). I can tell how much he LOVES his morning visits. So much so that I'm surprised he hasn't said, how 'bout I spend night in the spare room. Just so he can see the kids in the morning.
This (con't to DB) is harder now than when I started.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My H used to come over every morning as well at 630 am to help get kids ready and have breakfast, etc.
Now that the school year has ended I don't hink I want him to do that anymore when we start again. Unless we both working towards R together. Because it really upset me. I was just as happy as the kids to hear him in the house in the morning, to smell his cologne throughout the house....
But then I don't know if that's fair to the kids. It meant they saw him more.
I don't know. What do you think V?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
