I'm so lost and confused and , I don't know what to do.
In may my husband told me he wanted a divorce after 4 1/2years of marriage. He said he would be staying in town with a work friend and moved out. Then he told me about a work opportunity where he would be doing some training in another state and decided to take it. he told me e would work on things.
Finally one day after and argument he tells me the truth. He transferred down there permanently and was living with his sister and had no intention of coming home. We talked it over and again agreed to see where things would go. No pressure.
Of course, I put pressure on him and now he is telling me he has doubts it can work. We still day I love you, talk everyday. We have tentative plans to meet up either where he is our here at home (any opinion on which would be better?)
I'm just sick. I want him home so bad and for us to work but I don't know how to make it happen. Help.
I see you are very new to this site, glad U found this place ( one that no-one wants to be. ) I take it that you are reading divorce busting books by Michelle, if your not please find a way to order them.
Someone will come along and post the the 37 rules.print them out and follow them to the best of your ability.
Post often......people will respond to U, and you are on moderation...for awhile your post wont show up immediately.
I think its way too early for a meeting with your Hubby, U dont have your feet underneath U yet, and im sure the outcome would not be good.....what would be your plans to discuss? Let him be for now., and certainly dont go to HIM.
Also: If you can tell us more about your relationship,,, how things have been in the past we can offer more guidance......What made him leave? etc. ( Not to be nosey, but it helps us to know more about U guys ) Thanks and hugs
Welcome to the DB boards. You will find a great sounding board here.
It sounds to me like your H has a lot going on inside of him right now. Is he getting any help dealing with his feelings regarding his deployments and the things that happened?
Also, you did say he left twice in the past and I am curious as to what his reason were for those?
Read Divorce Remedy. Someone will be around with the 37 rules soon.
Right now, don't push relationship talks. You will only hear things that you really don't want to hear.
Patience is imperative when dealing with WAS. Keep the lines of communication open, listen, listen, listen.
Also try to grasp the idea of validation as a communication tool. It will help you in talking to him and making him feel understood. You can Google it.
While I know it feels like the end of the world and you want him home NOW, committed to working on things NOW, it isn't necessary and I get the feeling that it may be too much pressure for him.
This takes time, just as it took time to happen, it will take time to fix.
What are his complaints about the M?
Keep posting and you will be off moderation soon.
Others will be around.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Welcome to the best place that you don't want to be HBW.
This may be a long road but you will have a lot of support here and if you work the plan you will become the best possible person you are capable of being.
Can you elaborate more on what you feel caused you both to get to the point you were at?
Well, a lot has happened since I tried to post that (I guess my post was caught in limbo for a while... for reference, I tried to post that on a Saturday and today is now Wednesday).
First, to answer the question about the previous break ups. It has been for the same reasons. We get complacent and he has issues with bringing up things when he is hurt. He just keeps things inside until they explode and he thinks they're too much to be fixed. Then instead of trying to fix it, he runs. He was never gone for more than a week. He has admitted that they were more to try and get things to change, than because he really wanted to leave. This time he says, is different.
On Sunday he told me that it is not going to work. He does not love me the same anymore. While we were talking, I asked him: If you could have a miracle happen with regards to us, what would it be? He said he would want me to move on and for him to move on and for us to go our separate ways.
Ouch... that hurt. So so bad.
The end of our relationship was tough. We were constantly fighting and bickering. I was mean to him. He was mean to me. (Never abusive, just stand offish and cold). We stopped being intimate. We never spent any time together. It makes me so sad to think about it. We both were waiting for the other person to fix the relationship. He even admitted that he wished he had opened up about his feelings sooner, because he believes we could have fixed things. Now it's too late.
I have read DR, I wish I had read it sooner. Now I know that I alone could have fixed the relationship. I cried as I read through that... I have so much guilt.
I really believe I pushed him to make the decision that he did. Since he had left I was constantly needy, clingy, insecure. Always wanting validation that he loved me and things would be okay. He told me during that time that he wished I could be independent like I used to be. All I could think was, "You want me to be independent when we're going through something like this? Impossible!" I thought that was his way of trying to push me away. I should have really listened... he was telling me what he needed. I didn't give it to him.
I truly believe that he feels that the horrible relationship before he left, and the way I acted after he left when he said we would work on things, is who he believes I am. I believe that when he said he didn't love me the same... he didn't love that person.
I know he loves the real me. The smart, beautiful, funny, outgoing, confident, independent me. I need to find that person and bring her back. That's the woman he's passionately in love with, he doesn't believe she exists anymore. I want to be that person again so bad, I just don't know how. It's so hard... I miss him so much.
I'm so afraid he's going to move on.
I've been keeping no contact... he told me about his feelings on Sunday, I tried to call him once that night and haven't tried to contact him since. He hasn't tried to contact me, either. That really hurts. I'm trying to give him space... but it feels so wrong. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
I want nothing more than for this marriage to work. I do not think that there is a problem with our personalities clashing. I think it has to do with our complacency in the marriage. We stopped trying to excite each other. We stopped being open and communicating. We stopped being intimate. Frankly... we stopped living. All we did was work, watch TV, do chores, bed. That's it. That's no way to live. I don't want that life and neither does he.
I'm scared, guys. I'm so scared I'm going to lose him for good.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband left as well and filed divorce. Remember to take care of yourself and I second getting the books. I have Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and they are both very good.
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
I tried to call him today and had an emotional breakdown when the phone call went straight to voicemail.
I know I would have broken no contact, but I was having a rough day. I took one of our dogs to the dog park and she got beat up by a bigger dog, then another dog pee'd on me. I just started thinking about how if he had been there, he would have taken care of the dogs fighting. I would have felt safe he was there. Things would have been better if he was there. It was like another slap in the face from the universe that he is gone.
I feel like this is so much different from some of the other situations on DB. We don't have any kids. He moved from a different state. Now, I don't know the exact reason his phone went straight to VM, but I have a feeling it's because he sent my calls to go that way. How can I fix this if I'm never able to speak to him again?
I wish I was off moderation so that my posts would show up and I could get advice... I feel so alone.
