It's been a while as I had to detach from all things related to my sitch, including the W for the most part in the last two weeks anyway... I am very thankful for the hard hitting advice I last received from everyone who commented on my sitch, oldtimer especially my hat is off to you, you put things in a way even a hardhead like me eventually understand. In the last month I have done some significant inventory and ended things with the young lady I was dating. I felt a new thread was in order because I'm really in a new place, should anyone care to reference the history of my ridiculous sitch here are the links:
I've done a longwinded summary before but it really boils down to this, which hopefully shows some change in perspective. 1) I met my W in February 2009, the same month the divorce of my first marriage was final. She is a single mother of 3 and I have no children. 2) We dated and fell in love, I was unfaithful during our dating period and she found out and supposedly forgave me for my misstep, we got engaged in 12/2010. 3) We married in 5/2011. I did many things financially for my wife and stepchildren but was not the husband or stepfather that I should have been. I was sober from 12/2010 to 5/2011 but started occasionally drinking again. I verbally abused my wife on a handful of occasions during drunken tirades. 4) In August of last year my W opened a match.com account and started an affair before we were legally separated. I found this out, confronted her and OM, and she filed a 50B restraining order as a result. I violated this order by coming into her house when OM was there, she called the cops and I was arrested. She readily admits I have never laid a hand on her nor stepchildren, my beef was the OM not her at the time. I offered my full forgiveness at the time and wanted to reconcile to no avail. 5) I have been nothing but faithful to my wife since our engagement (not including after legal separation took place).
Recent update/Facts: 1) I haven't seen my wife since Valentines day. 2) I haven't communicated with my wife since 6/1. 3) W had a crisis last month and reached out to me for support which I provided. 4) Our anniversary was 5/21 which against good advice I acknowledged, I broke the 37 rules and no surprise didn't make any headway. During these discussions she admitted she thinks she's falling in love with her affair partner. 5) I ended the R with the girl I was dating, we still chat occasionally, she thinks I'm insane to consider R with my W as many others do. As such I am "alone" for the first time since 2000 or so. 6) I continue to show unconditional love to my W and stepchildren with no expectations in a variety of ways.
I am adopting as my new mantra what Verlon recently posted:
Originally Posted By: Vorlon
1. You are the prize 2. You are a good man that any good woman would want 3. You can't change the past 4. If your W is unhappy that is her problem to deal with 5. If you have issues, fix them but not for her 6. There is always someone else who will apprcieate you 7. There is always someone else in worse shape than you 8. If you want to be happy fix YOU first. You can't fix her. 9. Decide if you want to be married to the alien that has become your wife..If so, why in the world would you want that??? 10. The sooner you get your head on straight and realize you can handle life without your current wife. The sooner you will get the wife you want and deserve. That may or may not be your current wife. 11. The pain will not go away or lessen until you face these things and take action. 12. It is all up to you. You decide how long you suffer. This is not negotiable.
THANKS FOR THIS VORLON, I AM ALL GOOD ON 1 THROUGH 8! :-)
9 through 12 is where I'm at right now. I am at the point where I need to make a decision for myself. Obviously she doesn't want to see me because I haven't seen her in 4 months. Obviously she doesn't want to talk to me since we rarely communicate.
I think she is a WAS/MLC hybrid. I know that time is supposed to be our friend but I can't say I feel that way, I feel exactly the opposite. Some may not agree but this one really moved me this week.
Quote:
"Time is the most valuable thing on earth. More valuable than money will ever be. When you spend money you can always get more of it. When you spend time you can NEVER get it back.
You know how much money you have at all times. You have no idea how much time you have and therefore must spend it very sparingly.
You must avoid people who don’t appreciate or take for granted your time. You must loathe people who waste your time, as that is the most offensive thing any one person can do. Time should always be spent doing things you enjoy and what makes you happy. Anytime you feel miserable change something, and change it quickly, before your time runs out." – Unknown
I have been dark for 2 straight weeks now with no contact. Our eligible filing date is August 27th. I have shown her by my actions what my story is, my train of thought at this point is that if something significant has not changed by August 27th it would be in my best interests to file and move on. That date will mark the most excruciating year of my 38 years of existence. She has had more than ample time to come to whatever conclusions she needed to come to, and obviously those don't involve me in any way minus the times that she needs something or advice. If something hasn't changed significantly in the next 2.5 months I'm pretty sure I will feel that I have suffered long enough.
This two week stretch is longer than I have ever been dark, so I am truly in the LRT. The problem is I honestly don't know what I want. I know my only option is the LRT at this point, but I have a feeling I will end up just end up fading into the background for her. Perhaps that is for the best for all involved. I still love her and my stepkids and miss them very much, but maybe God has another plan for me and them. I have finally forgiven her in my heart, and hold no grudge for anything in the past, it is what it is.
I'm going to post our recent communication history as a follow on here. 2x4's are deserved on the comm's as I KNOW I MESSED UP AND SHOULDN"T HAVE WENT DOWN THAT ROAD. Positive thing is I've been TOTALLY DARK for two weeks tomorrow...
Thanks to anyone willing to provide feedback or opinions, I know I am sadly very long winded. Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
W What have you been up to this weekend? Are you in PA?
Me: Hey no why would I be in PA? I’ve been playing golf and working. You’re texting during church time. I was praying for <her sister> and all of you. I figured you would be in church today. How is <her sister> and how are you?
W: <Sister> is much better. Im fine. Your gf is in PA or Ohio or did ya’ll break up?
Me: If I had a gf why would my every action be geared toward you? I’m grabbing lunch with some friends can call you in a bit/is <her sister> taking visitors?
W: Don’t go see <sister> She doesn’t like awkwardness. Why won’t you ever listen to me?
Me: Ok sorry thought things may have changed.
W: What happened with your girlfriend? What are you eating for lunch?
Me: On the border. She wasn’t who I wanted I have someone else in mind. Why so interested in my romantic life? Dang I answered your questions… I’m sure you’ve already seen the Vow right?
W: Yep. I watched it the other night. It’s ok. Just wondering what the status with your young gym girl is, that’s all.
Me: Why do you care?
W: Just being nosy. You know I’m nosy.
Me: I have one thing I forgot to ask you will you call me when your phone charges?
W: Can I text it?
Me: Do you agree the way we got married was stupid, with no friends or family present and not in a special place? I think we shot ourselves in the foot. In retrospect, we really were held accountable to no one.
W: I don’t think accountability was an issue.
Me: Do you think if I had maintained my sobriety we would be here now?
W: IDK
Me: I do. If you can let me know where you end up working tomorrow I’d like to send you something. Have a good night.
W: You too. Don’t worry about sending me anything. Paying my car payment is enough!
Me: That was different. Just let me know where you’re working please.
W: No really, save the money. Flowers just die and they cost too much.
Me: Who said anything about flowers? To put your mind at ease I won’t be doing anything extraordinary tomorrow. You said some things that made me think and I wanted to share one thought the night before your anniversary. If your boyfriend truly makes you happy chances are you wouldn’t be thinking about your estranged husband. That’s something worth thinking significantly about. You asked what happened with my girlfriend, I ended it because it wasn’t fair to her because I still love my wife (not saying this spitefully toward you your business is your own). I’m not as immature as I used to be, having your world turned upside down makes you grow up a lot. I hope you’ll see this one day. A person who truly loves you will never let you go no matter how hard the situation is. Good night.
Anniversary Day
Me: Happy Anniversary W. Although I wish we would have got married a different way I would do it again in a heartbeat if we had the chance. I hope you have a wonderful day.
W: Happy Anniversary. Even though our marriage didn’t work, you took good care of me and was always there for me. Thank you for that!
Me: We didn’t have the skills to make our marriage work, nor did we give it enough time to have a chance. You know that W
W: Hey, easy talking about my skills! Lol I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons you married me! Lol
Me: Partially true… lol You changed my outlook on marriage, I had no intent on getting married again until I met you. You were the most amazing woman I had ever met and that remains to be the case. Your “skills” were just icing on the cake.
W: I don’t see what is so amazing about me? In many ways I’m like most other women.
Me: You sell yourself short. I can pretty well have my pick of 90% of the eligible female population. Despite that being the case and everything that has happened, you are still my first choice. If that and my actions don’t prove that your happiness is my priority and that I will be by your side through thick and thin, I don’t know what will.
I own my mistakes in life, our marriage, and my treatment of you, and they have cost me dearly. I have finally learned my value as a man in the last 8 months, and that I have a purpose. There are not a lot of men like me out there and I hope that you realize that. That’s why were engaged 10 months after meeting and why you married me, because you saw me at my core and realized my value as a man. We fell but we could get back up again. You have stuck by so many others in times of strife in your life, I still wonder why you gave up on me. I have never given up on you. I know that my words hurt you and I hate that everyday, but my actions showed and continue to show nothing but love for you. I hope you see that.
W: When we were dating, I made decisions based on the desire of having a solid relationship with you, not based on what our relationship was. That was where we went wrong. I wanted to be engaged and marry you because I wanted to be the only girl in your life. That shouldn’t be the reason to marry someone, so I made many mistakes in how to handle things. Truth is that our relationship was damaged beyond repair when we were dating. We should have called it quits early on, but we both continued to make poor decisions. We had happy times, but the timing and way our marriage happened was all wrong which caused a number of problems in our marriage. I don’t doubt that you will make some woman very happy someday, but truth is there has been too much damage on both our parts to make our marriage work.
Me: Which could be the biggest blessing in disguise in both ours and the kids lives if you will open your wall… I don’t want to make our marriage work. I want to start a new relationship with you, a clean slate that we both deserve. And do things the RIGHT way, now that we are on even ground. There is a reason why you still think of me.
W: It’s like I said – there are things about you that I miss but nobody is perfect in every way. There are things about you that I don’t miss that are serious issues and would continue to be so. We both deserve to be happy. I think recognizing that and trying to move on is the only way we will be happy.
Me: Or in other words, quitting on the person you vowed to stand by in good times and in bad forever, and not offering a second change to atone for past mistakes and make things right? I don’t agree with that.
With all due respect W, you don’t know me now. My personality didn’t change overnight, do you not want to at least explore the possibility that I can make things right and be the partner you deserve? There is nothing to lose in doing that, if you choose not to there is a lot to lose. My drinking was a LARGE problem in our relationship. You honestly cannot say that the positives did not largely outweigh the negatives in our time together.
Despite all that we have been through, I still stand by you. Do you remember how you felt after how things turned out with XH1? Step back for a minute and think about how I feel. And I still love you. Will you please define the things about me that you don’t miss? A list please.
W: I’ve been dating though and I realize that having a good relationship should come naturally, not require a lot of work on the basic stuff, ya know?
Me: I’ve been dating too, and when I am with other women my mind is on you. W think back to when we were dating, we had the time of our lives. I realize that you probably need to feel like you are justifying your decision, but there is an awful lot at stake here to be close minded about this. Our marriage is over, I get that, it was destroyed by both of us. That doesn’t mean that we can’t build a friendship and see what may or may not grow from that. If you didn’t still have feelings for me you would not have reached out to me on Monday. Our story had only started, it doesn’t have to end unless you close the book.
You still don’t understand where I was and the battles I was facing in our first months, I wish we could sit down and talk sometime. I am not pressuring you to do anything, I am just trying to communicate my thoughts, which I know was one of our challenges. When we were “dating” things did come naturally, we couldn’t get enough of each other. Then real life set in…
W: H, we already closed the book. It’s ok to express that some things are missed though. Part of the process is forgiving and remembering the good.
Me: I’m going to again have to respectfully disagree. The book will be closed if you serve me divorce papers. I have forgiven you in my heart for everything. Factually, you chose to close the book when you started the affair, I did not. I know I played a role in that happening but it was ultimately your decision that I forgive you for because I had put you though the same when we were dating. I do find it unusual that you were in such a rush to get married for the eyes of the children, yet you have no problem dating your affair partner in front of them while you’re still married. If you haven’t read, relationships born of adultery do not tend to last. I reiterate you have my full forgiveness for our past and as my actions prove I love you with all my heart.
On a side note if you were making it a point to remember the good we would be spending some kind of time together. I think you have to instead concentrate on the ad to justify your decision making. I focus on the good, because I know our bad was driven by BS. That’s why I am still there for you.
Couple days later:
Me: Hey how’s <sister>
W: Hey, she’s hanging in there. Still not able to handle the feeding regimen so they are still working on a plan for her. Insurance won’t cover the food mixture that goes into her intestinal tube so she had to switch to a cheap mixture that has her in a lot of pain. Not sure why, but I guess it’s too rough for her to process. I’m trying to get her to tell me the price difference so I can help. I think she’s suffered enough (even though the surgery was optional nobody should have to go through all that she’s been through).
Me: I’m glad she’s ok but sorry to hear she’s having complications. How are you? I ‘d like to help just let m know how. I could actually use a favor.
W: What favor do you need?
Me: In our discussion Monday you said this: “It’s like I said – there are things about you that I miss but nobody is perfect in every way. There are things about you that I don’t miss that are serious issues and would continue to be so.” In my quest to be a better man I wanted to see if you will email me a list of what you felt were the positive and negative aspects of our relationship. Just at your convenience I know you’re busy.
W: It’s not things for you to change. Just things that are different between us.
Me: Would it be hard to put those thoughts in an email that I can read please? You continue to reflect on the negative and I understand why. The same differences existed when we fell in love W.
W: I know! That’s why I said we should have acknowledged those differences and not ignore them. They are not things you need to fix for the next girl though, just differences.
Me: Why can’t we acknowledge and discuss this now? W, people and couples make mistakes. Our falling in love and getting married was not a mistake. And if the differences were so significant how did we fall in love in the first place? That makes no sense.
W: I know you don’t want to hear this but I know that there is someone out there who is better for you than I am.
We had a lengthy phone conversation, she made it clear she is still seeing her affair partner and may be falling in love with him. I kept my cool despite this although I did slightly spun up when financial matters came up.
Me: I misspoke a couple of times today and for that I apologize. I have matured a lot, when I talk to you I get spun up because the way I feel about you and this situation that we shouldn’t be in. Watch and see how my words match my actions going forward. I made mention that you owed me a chance. You don’t owe me anything, a chance, respect, love or otherwise. I hope that one day your heart will lead you to realize that I am the partner that you once dreamt of and so much more if you would only open your eyes and heart to see it. Despite my mistakes and poor decisions your happiness has always been my primary goal. You know you were always my Princess. I am always here for you W.
W: Dang. Can you share the rhapsody account? Lol
Me: It’s all you. I would babble about how much I love you but you already know that. I hope your weekend is half as lovely as you are.
W: Lol Thanks!! 
5/31
W: What’s the name of the beach me u and SS1 stayed at with the boardwalk? I want to see about taking the kids there for a few days this summer cause it may be cheaper than Myrtle.
Me: Virginia Beach
W: Oh ok. Thank you!
Me: You’re welcome have fun
6/1
W: Hey I have a question about financial stuff. Do you have a capital one account that has my name on it too?
Me: I gave you a credit card to hold for emergencies, is it a Capital One card? You’re an authorized user on that account. I’m available to talk at 11 if you want to discuss.
W: I’m going to kill somebody today.
Me: Calm down it’s Friday and you’re going to the beach. Sorry you’re having a bad day.
W: I’m not going to the beach today or at all this summer. Too expensive. Luckily there’s a neighborhood pool that the kids can enjoy lol
Me: Never say never, a lot of things could happen over the summer.
W: Capital one reported that on 4/9 my acct went over the limit. I’m never over the limit and I pay it off in full every month. That stupid broad tried to tell me that it takes “total charges” for the cycle period when it reports to the agencies, regardless of whether I paid it completely off midcycle. That’s BS
Me: I’d recommend a loving husband who is good with financial matters. Alternatively I use an Equifax monitoring service that would notify you of such incidents.
W: Well I use score sense to monitor, that’s where the confusion started. I’m cancelling it now though how much do you pay for Equifax?
Me: 10.95 a month I’m back up to 773! Man why do you sound so angry in the grand scheme of things this really isn’t a big deal…
Me: Sent her a funny pic and said hope your day gets better!
Her: Funny :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
It's good to see you back. You got a lot of 2x4's when you were last here. and I have to say based on what we heard I am SHOCKED that you've been dark for the last 2 weeks unless there's more we don't know.
Quote:
I have a feeling I will end up just end up fading into the background for her.
What I've learned through posting and reading non stop here is that EVERYONE feels this way. and everyone believes that there's something slightly different about their S's personality that means they can't just go dark. It's hard to detach. But it's needed. They can never have the space to decide if you are smothering them...think of it like a fire. Second you'll never know unless you step back. otherwise you don't know if you're in their life because they want you to be or because you forced yourself there.
Quote:
She has had more than ample time to come to whatever conclusions she needed to come to, and obviously those don't involve me in any way minus the times that she needs something or advice.
This is you attempting to control the sitch. What would happen if you forget about August 27th? What if you just LET GO. Let go of the decision to file or not to file. Truly decided to just let go? You haven't yet.
Quote:
If something hasn't changed significantly in the next 2.5 months I'm pretty sure I will feel that I have suffered long enough.
You can make something change to end your suffering. Working on yourself.
I'm really happy that you've stopped seeing the girl. I also hope that you start seeing an IC to deal with anger and any other issues that are coming to the surface. You know you had a pattern of beginning R before you were truely healed from the last. Decide that this time will be different.
Honest to God, she initiated contact on 6/1, I responded reasonably on this day. Haven't exchanged a text, call, or anything since.
I did send my three stepkids a card last week congratulating them on a successful school year and dropped them $20 each for a job well done, but I don't think that counts since there was nothing to her.
I'm still not fully detached because if she contacts me I'll get flustered, but I AM dark... You always raise good points.
You're right on the date, it is a form of control. But it also marks the year of my personal hell. The LBS train ride is so painful I just want to get off. I'm enjoying my life and am always busy, have plenty of fun with my friends and am getting in great shape. You put a good spin on the way to look at it, heck given my TIME post, why am I worried about 2 months from now anyway...
I am working on myself, I'm trying not spin my words to anyone to fit my agenda. That really makes work a lot harder! I've made great strides on the anger front, when she mentioned feeling like she is falling in love with OM I didn't flinch. For me that is significant progress.
I will catch up on your sitch and see what I can offer. Thanks as always for your time and feedback, I always appreciate it! :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
The LBS train ride is so painful I just want to get off.
I've learned a lot from this board and what I've learned is...you can get off now. The LBS train is a label. Deciding that it's over, or filing or cutting her out of your life doesn't cut the pain out of your heart. Finding someone else doesn't cut the pain out of your heart. Heal you regardless of the sitch.
You HAVE to stop pursuing her. Even in the last conversation with her you said that you'd be a good husband. You can't bring up R talk. Everytime you do this on some level she'll feel pressured.
And you also framed up being a good H by being financially stable. You seriously need to work that out. Stop bringing money up with her. Stop bringing it up with yourself.
I'm iffy on the whole sending the kids cards and money. I don't know. It wasn't Christmas or a Birthday. You've admitted you weren't very involved in the past. So only you know your motives if you're being truly honest with yourself. And I get it, it's very very hard to be because for years we've been acting a certain way and telling ourselves it's for other reasons. Hell I had to change my FB so he couldn't see any of my statuses unless I chose to include him..that way I wouldn't have to worry if on some level I wasn't posting something for him.
You're right, I think I am healing slowly but surely, each day gets easier than the last. I can say I have stopped the pursuit 100% at this point. Two weeks is a record and I'm going to keep it going, although it's very hurtful to know she doesn't give two flips about me at this point. Her needy "touch and go" got me spun up but I'm over that now. I suspect if I hear from her again it will be because she is in a bind somehow, and I think I'll pass and let her figure it out on her own next time.
You're right I continue to ride the safety/stability/financial security platform, on my list of things to work on. :-)
I really did do the end of school prize for the kids to try and make them happy, it's not like that's the first time I did that so I hope she doesn't perceive it as pursuit. When I look back I really wasn't bad stepdad. Not the touchy/feely throw them in the air type but aside from that I did/continue to do right by them. Sunday will be a trigger day, obviously I have no expectations and I shouldn't, since I know there will also be crickets on that day... lol Let's see, my birthday, nothing, haven't seen her in 4 months or heard from her in two weeks, fathers day will be nothing... I think I'm starting to get the hint here! lol
Looking forward to a picture perfect GAL weekend and I hope you all are too, good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Man, yesterday was a struggle... Illogical that it was a struggle but it was... On a positive note I didn't reach out though and kept the no contact streak alive!!! (18 days and counting a new record!!!) I thought of a lot of things I wanted to say to her, but didn't, kinda pointless to go into those here since it's after the fact I guess... Nothing negative, I wanted to say "Happy Father's Day to the Mother who does it all", but I stood fast and did not like that would have made a flip anyway... It does hurt that given the things I have done as a stepfather that no one acknowledged my existence on this day, but that's what I expected.
So I could use some help/opinions though...
18 days of no contact and it feels like an eternity and the chances are more likely I may never have another significant interaction with her at all. She pulled back toward me with her sisters medical issue and we were talking. We talked during our anniversary which was pleasant but she came out with the fact that she thinks she may be falling in love with OM douchebag... I didn't get upset at this and kept my cool which is a 180. Then we exchanged a couple of pleasantries toward the end of last month and total radio silence, nothing from her or me at all.
I am wondering if her last reeling back was just a touch and go to see if I was still here, and of course I was... I'm going to maintain my current path (which this time doesn't appear to be working), and hope something changes sometime. I swear though I got this woman by relentless pursuit originally so doing nothing seems like a bad idea. How long should I expect this to go on? I'm about at my wits end.
So the things "related to" us at this point are: 1) She's driving a car that's legally mine but she's making the payments. A 180 for me is that I haven't brought this up within recent memory, stupidly made the payment last month since money was tight for her. 2) I still put money in my stepkids 529k accounts for them. Truly I am not doing this to improve my sitch, but at this point I am wondering if it is counterproductive because that it shows that I'm still "there"? Even though I'm trying to be nice I'm starting to feel that this may be counterproductive and make her keep thinking I'm still a viable "plan B". Should I stop these contributions?
My biggest 180's at this point are totally leaving her alone and not bringing up the car or anything else. One of our last conversations after I helped her financially when things were tight was her statement "wait until we aren't dating in a month then you'll throw that up in my face". So I'm making a point not to do that.
I don't know what to do aside from maintain my darkness and LRT which is 18 days strong. This is the longest we have been through this sitch without her contacting me in some way, it feels like I am losing her for good this time. I am still working on me obviously and GAL like crazy and have little free time on my hands. That doesn't change the fact that this consumes most of my available free brain cycles.
What should I do? Thanks in advance for any feedback you guys can provide and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
ne of our last conversations after I helped her financially when things were tight was her statement "wait until we aren't dating in a month then you'll throw that up in my face". So I'm making a point not to do that.
I was about to say before I read this that whatever you do stay consistent. Don't say keep the car, make a payment, then a month or so later change. Don't contribute towards the kids which you said over and over was for them and then pull that out because of what you think she might derive from that. Just stay consistent.
In the past money has featured quite heavily so maybe just not talking about money AT ALL is a 180 for you.
Thanks Brit! After thinking on it some more, I agree with you that consistency is the key here. If she takes that action as pursuit then so be it. So my 2+ weeks of no contact came to a close yesterday at her doing.
This is another prime example of my failure to apply the clearly spelled out principles of DB...
W: Hey. I put a check in the mailbox. Are you coming this way this evening can you pick it up? I'm out of stamps and don't wanna be late getting it to you.
<I let this simmer a few hours>
Me: Hey, nope out of town. <attached photo of balcony beach view from hotel> Wish ya'll were here! Please send any mail going forward to my P.O. Box, hope ya'll are doing good. P.S. Isn't there a post office two blocks from your house? ;-)
W: <attaches photo of herself in hospital bed, she doesn't look good...> Yes but barely enough energy to even write the check. Hysterectomy 3 days ago and fighting fever at home now.
Me: Sorry to hear that, I hope somebody is taking good care of you. It goes without saying I wish it was me. What can I do? I am coming back tomorrow can I stop by and see you?
W: Nothing for you to do. I'm fine. I have to be back at the Dr. office in the morning to check for infection.
Me: You don't look fine
W: Sister took that pic 20 mins after surgery. nothing anyone can do do. I just have to give it time.
Me: I'd really like to visit you, no talk of us just to wish you well, you don't do visitors either?
W: No no need. I was simply explaining why I couldn't make it to the post office. Enjoy the beach. Good night
Me: My apologies for being overbearing. It's my natural inclination to care for you, even though that's something you are clearly not interested in. I hope you get well soon.
Now do I not only have the history of our ridiculous sitch to overcome, I also have the challenges related to a 30 year old single mother of three and the associated side effects of a hysterectomy to deal with. But hey, look at on the bright side at least she won't be banging the OM for the next 6 weeks! lol Could this possibly get more exciting/any better? roflmao
I take it as a line in the sand that she didn't tell me about any of this that is going on with her. It is fact that she couldn't care less about me, it is what it is. The photo of her was kind of disturbing, if she wasn't in the hospital she still would have been looking rough, whatever she is going through looks to be physically taking a toll on her.
I am there for her. She doesn't care. I am there my stepchildren. She/they don't care. I am there for her family. She/they don't care.
It's very painful to love someone and they simply do not care.
So back to doing nothing in regards to her... lol Aside from my sitch and the lack of female companionship, I GAL out the wazoo and life is good!
I am a very goal oriented person, the most frustrating thing for me at this point is that there is no end in sight to this saga. I know we're not supposed to put a timer on things, but mentally I have to do that at this point.
The only pain point in my life at this point is this sitch, and the fact that I love a woman who doesn't love me back. I have never been in that situation before, and maybe that's why it is so hard for me to let go.
So I said my peace to her, and she still knows where I stand. I'm starting to think we may never even stand face to face again. If that's the way it plays out that may actually be the best for me. My door will be open for another 2 months and change. August 27th marks the day she started the affair, and is also our "legal" separation date since she blackmailed me to sign as such so I couldn't pursue an alienation of affection suit against the OM. If something doesn't change there will be a divorce decree with my signature on it on that day. Like it matters anyway right, this marriage has been over for a while.
So that's the plan today anyway... Good luck to all in your respective sitch's, I hope yours is on a better path than mine!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
"But hey, look at on the bright side at least she won't be banging the OM for the next 6 weeks! lol Could this possibly get more exciting/any better? roflmao"
Broken I imagine you are very hurt but this^^^is inappropriate don't u think? I don't remember but are you in counseling? If not what are your thoguhst about counseling/counselors?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
