Thread #7 - What goes down, might come up.

[Navyguy]

Well, thread 6 got locked. Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2231764#Post2231764

I got home from work and my soccer game afterwards a little while ago. I went outside and said hello to W. we shot the bull for a few. I mentioned my
Friend that just went back to work after a year in grad school and how he's having a tough time getting back into work.

W said: "try it after 7 years"

I said yeah that would be tough. Then she said she's been looking at going back to work. I asked her if he was looking around here, she said yes. She wants to get a govt job...I told her how the navy has a hiring freeze right now and I wasn't sure about the rest of the govt.

After a couple more minutes she started to lose it...I asked if she was ok....she said she was upset because she's so unsure about her future. I didn't say anything. She kept crying and I went inside.

Then she starts calling all her friends looking for someone to talk to and get her mind off things. I think she is talking to her brother right now. I'm thinking I'm just going to bed.

Welcome to reality, W.

[Navyguy]

Ugh.

W just came in and was really upset. Apparently someone just sent her a picture of a parents magazine that just used a picture of the kids and me for the cover.

We had these pictures taken 2 years ago and then over a year ago the photographer asked for permission to use a picture of us. I said sure. A week later the photographer emailed and said the magazine chose a different picture.

Fast forward a year to today. Obviously not good timing for this. w thinks that the magazine cover is some type of underhanded way of showing she is a bad mother. She said this is just horrible timing and that she cant handle it right now on top of me telling her to leave. I told her that is absolutely not what i want. I tried talking to her and validating her feelings, but she said nothing would make her feel better. Now she's gone out to the couch.

Rough night...can't say a couple of you didn't predict this though.

[Navyguy]

I left out an important detail....I hadn't heard a thing about this for over a year since the photographer said they were using a different picture. This completely caught me off-guard as well.

I feel so horrible for W right now....she is hurting and I want to help...but I can't.

[~ kd ~]

ok, glad you cleared that up for us. I was thinking that maybe you knew that they were going to use the pic and didn't try to stop it. Of course, you no doubt signed a release on the pic, but still there's some moral rights that you probably could have asserted.

Anyhow, it is what it is. Not like you intentionally got them to print the pic. And if your W wants to think that, nothing you can do about it. And if she figures it depicts her as a bad mom, that is HER thought... maybe a dose of reality...

Well, try not to spend too much time dwelling on it. It's just AN excuse for her to think you are the cause of her problems. If not this, it could have easily been something else.

Keep your pma up along with your chin and keep on keeping on...

[25yearsmlc]

ok, glad you cleared that up for us. I was thinking that maybe you knew that they were going to use the pic and didn't try to stop it. Of course, you no doubt signed a release on the pic, but still there's some moral rights that you probably could have asserted.

MAYBE/MAYBE but only IF YOU HAD KNOWN...and maybe she didn't look so good or they wanted to make a point about military families or single dads or whatever...This is NOT a reason for her to be upset at YOU. Do not take any responsibility for this. Period.


Anyhow, it is what it is. Not like you intentionally got them to print the pic. And if your W wants to think that, nothing you can do about it. And if she figures it depicts her as a bad mom, that is HER thought... maybe a dose of reality...

was she at all happy that her kids were on a cover OR you were? Or was it all about her not being in it?

And PLEASE dont' tell her the Navy has a hiring freeze. Why tell her discouraging stuff before she even starts looking?

IMO, I would Say nothing that isn't positive about the job market.

You are giving her yet another reason to not even TRY in her life.And to feel artificially trapped and she'll see it as YOUR FAULT, again...

She can get A JOB...as far as a career? I don't know, I'm having trouble myself. Join the club!

But don't feed into her fears b/c these are what lead her to feel anger at YOU...

Well, try not to spend too much time dwelling on it. It's just AN excuse for her to think you are the cause of her problems. If not this, it could have easily been something else.

Keep your pma up along with your chin and keep on keeping on...

yes...if not this, than that.

The job market being UNFAIR TO HER b/c she got to take 7 years off...

Jesus, do you see how twisted that is?

EVERY woman I know would be grateful for the time they got with their children...and would gladly sacrifice the career steps to do it.

I know I did.

[Navyguy]

MAYBE/MAYBE but only IF YOU HAD KNOWN...and maybe she didn't look so good or they wanted to make a point about military families or single dads or whatever...This is NOT a reason for her to be upset at YOU. Do not take any responsibility for this. Period.

I'm not taking responsibility for it, and I don't think W was looking to pin it on me.

Not like you intentionally got them to print the pic. And if your W wants to think that, nothing you can do about it. And if she figures it depicts her as a bad mom, that is HER thought... maybe a dose of reality...

I agree...and I think that is what happened.

was she at all happy that her kids were on a cover OR you were? Or was it all about her not being in it?

I don't think she was happy at all - it was all about her not being in it. I did realize this at the time she was telling me about it, but I chose not to point it out.

And PLEASE dont' tell her the Navy has a hiring freeze. Why tell her discouraging stuff before she even starts looking?

IMO, I would Say nothing that isn't positive about the job market.

You are giving her yet another reason to not even TRY in her life.And to feel artificially trapped and she'll see it as YOUR FAULT, again...

She can get A JOB...as far as a career? I don't know, I'm having trouble myself. Join the club!

But don't feed into her fears b/c these are what lead her to feel anger at YOU...

Agree - and I while I was trying to be factual/realistic/helpful, I certainly wasn't helping her. I should be encouraging her - who knows, maybe she just wants to get a job and stick around and start working on our M. No idea what she's thinking right now.

The job market being UNFAIR TO HER b/c she got to take 7 years off...

Jesus, do you see how twisted that is?

EVERY woman I know would be grateful for the time they got with their children...and would gladly sacrifice the career steps to do it.

I know I did.

Yeah...I feel the same way. I know in hindsight, 30 years from now I'm not going to give a crap about what I did at work. But the time I spent with my kids will still matter. They're only 6 and 3 right now, but I already wish that I had the chance to spend more time with them when they were really little. I did two 6 month deployments and missed so many firsts for both of them. They're never going to get any younger. W doesn't seem to see things this way.

They are both wonderful, smart, happy, and well-mannered kids...and W has absolutely played the largest role in making them that way. But for whatever reason, she doesn't see that as an accomplishment. I see it as infinitely more important than anything I've ever done at work.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side...

[greenblue90]

Going well Navy
But don't don't discourage or encourage. My W was in a similar bind. Encouraging her only pressured her, and made her think I was taunting her, telling her things were bad only caused her to turtle up even more in her misery.

She won't say: gee I can't get a job so I'll love my husband to keep my lifestyle. She'll think great I can't get a job so I'm stuck with this jerk! Might as well make his life miserable!

Just don't touch the subject, it's her problem not yours. You want to help, but she doesn't want it, so don't give it.

[Navyguy]

GB - "well" is such a relative term.

I'm just going to stay out of it. I had originally planned to do so, but she brought it up last night and I got sucked in.

I'm curious - did your wife ever say you were trying to kick her out of the house?

[greenblue90]

Kinda?
I was very careful in reinforcing to her that if she is not happy she needs to go. So it really hasn't been about me kicking as much as me saying "if you're so miserable why are you still here?"

I guess I haven't had to drop an ultimatum because I've been putting a consistent message that she is here by choice.

Just so you know me and my W are in a weird sitch, she knows my expectations, she knows she doesn't want to leave, but wants to make sure she is staying "for the right reasons". Whatever those are.

She has asked a couple of times if I was acting the way I was because I wanted her to leave. I always tell her that I would love for her to stay, but have learned that I need certain things to be happy, and I would love for her to be the one that provides them. That being said what I want is non-negotiable. Which is a happy, stable marriage.

We actually recently hit a rough patch again. I once again reminded W that she is here by choice, I want her to stay, but I am not holding her back, and if she thinks she can be happier without me she should pursue it, but if she stays I will continue working to be a good husband.

[Navyguy]

What a day...

I am totally lost right now. I don't know what to do next.

Our landlord has been pressuring me about renewing the lease, and today I asked W about it. She said she didn't know. So I said we need to figure it out, and she told me that until our last couple talks, she had planned to continue living as we have been, but now I seem to want to end our marriage. She thinks it would be easiest and best for the kids if we keep living this way.

I told her that's not what I want but that I don't want to keep living like this. Then she said shes not in the place where she wants to work on things, and doesn't think she ever will be.

I asked her if she thinks that's fair to me...she didn't know. We talked about most of the usual things, and I maintained that I have already fixed our past issues, but Then for some reason I started beating myself up again. I am so mad at myself for this...but I think I did have a realization that will help me in the future.

I have always had a deep fear of rejection, and I don't handle it well when I do get rejected...and W has rejected me in many different ways over the years. Some of it was justified, other times it wasn't. And it continues today...but I am constantly rejected so I am constantly upset about that. I don't think this is really my fault...it's just who I am.

But this realization had me in tears....and blaming myself for destroying my family. I am going to talk to my IC about it...it never came up with my previous 2 ICs. Maybe I can break the cycle.

It appears I'm not ready to move on from W...I had the chance to really drive the point home today... And I couldn't do it.