I've been on here before, months ago but felt so confused most of the time... I find it hard to put things into words. So I'm sorry if this is long and a bit all over the place!
I thought it was best to start a new thread. I hope it's in the right place.
I feel like my situation is getting worse so I was really hoping for some input from kind people who know what they are talking about... I am lost.
Just a brief recap of my situation:
Me 36, H 47 H and I have been together for 12 years. No kids. Yet. (we were planning to, probably a big part in this mess.) Married for just 1 year before Bomb Drop (looking back I think I married him when he was already in the middle of his MLC)
Bomb Drop September 2010, he moved out the same night, just took his toothbrush and has been living at his Mum's house (only 10 minutes away) ever since.
So far (I know) no OW - BUT he has, from the start, directed all his time, money, attention and effort to his now 19-year old daughter who grew up with her Mum in another country and now studies abroad.
I don't need to go into all the details I think but here's a summary.... from the beginning it was all about his daughter, he missed out on time with her which of course was ALL MY FAULT (I met him when she was already 8 years old, he had split from her mother when she was 2), .... he started visiting her more regularly as soon as he had left me...telling me I had 'held him back' from spending more time with her....taught her how to drive...started spoiling her even more (new clothes, new computer etc), texting and phoning her like crazy etc.
I have to say that he had always been a great father, and although she lived abroad with her mum, their relationship had always been great. My relationship to her was good, although I only got to see her 2-3 times a year because of the distance, we were cool.
Yes, there were 'issues' during our relationship relating to his daughter, but looking back I think they were 'normal' considering we tried to juggle jobs, traveling abroad to see family (my family also live away), seeing his daughter etc... it was hard to get priorities right every now and then but as I said..it was just what it was...
I didn't see 'us' (Him, me and his daughter) as a 'family unit'. She had never lived with us. She was my partners daughter from a previous relationship. A Teenager living abroad.
He resents me greatly for that. This has been THE major issue in all this. 'You never accepted my daughter' 'You never saw us as family'.
Don't get me wrong, I love the girl. We always got along great, I just never really saw that much of her. Does that make sense?
We were just planning to buy a new house. One more bedroom. Wanted a baby. Ha! (Insert your own comment here)
The first months after BD it was ALL about his daughter...he felt it was better that we were apart...he had more time for his daughter now...yes he loved me but he just couldn't be a good husband....yes he married me because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but that feeling was just 'gone' now...etc etc etc
He showed all the signs of MLC...desperately trying to make up for 'lost' time with her...etc.
and: he desperately needed money. (to fund her studies and more)
6 months in he started talking about selling our house. I received a 'separation agreement' in september 2011 which to this day I have not signed.
THIS IS where I started making mistakes. I can't remember who brought up the divorce, but I think it must have been me. Big mistake.
Around January this year I got so tired and frustrated. I tried to make him see that he could not just sell OUR HOME without deciding what he wanted to do with our relationship. I basically said, 'if you want to sell the house you will have to divorce me first' (I KNOW. Huge huge mistake)
Needless to say. He filed. Which, again, of course, is MY FAULT.
Anyway. This is what the situation is like TODAY and I NEED HELP please:
Somehow, I tricked him into stopping the divorce petition until September. Don't ask-he just did it. I panicked and kind of said I would agree to sell the house if he held off with the divorce. so he did. I just 'gave in'. I couldn't see another way out. I have not signed the agreement for the sale yet, I am trying to buy time (it needs to go to my solicitor first, changes need to be made, blah blah, once we have both signed it the house will go on the market)
I have been successful in GALing. I have lost 30 pounds. I am doing ok. I met up with him last night to discuss a few details regarding the sale of the house, the car, other belongings etc. I was happy, funny, no relationship talk for the first time in 18 months (!!!).
He was grumpy. Cold. Distant. Didn't look me in the eye. couldn't wait to get away from me in the end (although he initiated meeting in the first place).
How can I untangle this mess? I have a divorce around the corner (September, when the 2 year separation period is over) and my home will be put on the market as soon as the agreement is signed.
WHAT on earth could I do now??
I've been in this for 20 months and I am so so tired. I just need a helping hand. please.
Any thoughts??? Any ideas how to turn this around?
I did not read through all of it, but are you DBing based on what you read here, or have you actually read either Divorce Remedy (a revision of the original) or Divorce Busting (the original)?
IF this is MLC (and it sounds like it could be) 20 months might feel long, but it could take twice that.
IF you are prepared to wait it out, then you need to get back onto the GAL train.
And stop talking about the D with your H. Lawyer up if you need to, but let the L's discuss the D and let your H take the pace for it.
Okay from what I remember of your old thread, it's always been about him. I don't think there is anything that is your fault. he left his last relationship and in turn left his daughter.
Here's my .02. Stop apologizing for things that isn't your fault. It was his fault for leaving his daughter in the first place. It's ridiculous for him to blame you for "keeping him away". He failed as a father, but rather than taking responsibility he chooses to blame you.
How could he possibly accuse you of not being able to see the three of you as a family when she didn't even live with you? It's all in his head. I would actually suggest confronting him about that. Not to get leverage or anything, but to give him a hard dose of the truth. Tell him that he's not a man and that HE was the one who abandoned his child and to stop transferring his guilt and inadequacies onto you.
Right now being passive isn't helping you. Time to do something different.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Kaffe Diem, thank you for your input. Yes I've read DB - a while back. I should probably read it again. It can get so confusing. But thanks for reminding me to GAL - I needed that.
MrBond, I really appreciate your comments. The problem is, I know... I know in my heart that I didn't do anything to be treated like that. I know it's in his head. But whenever I tried to confront him, he freaked out and it seemed like it made it even worse. It's like he wouldn't even GO there. He shows all the signs of an MLC, although he lashes out at me like crazy, to the point where I do feel emotionally abused, a day later he acts as if nothing happened. He's very forgetful, flaky, has stopped contacting most of our friends and seems very insecure...making jokes about his health and his age... I just can't get to him... Where the first 6 months I still saw 'glimpses' of the old H quite regularly, in conversation, and he was at least still talking about 'coming home', that seems all gone now. I know it's there somewhere...
As things seem 'on the edge' now, with the divorce and the house sale round the corner, I just wanted to make sure that I don't make anything worse, really.
He's a good man. He didn't 'fail' as a father, he was very young when it happened, it wasn't planned and he always did his best. In a way, I know he beats himself up about this way more than anyone else so I sometimes think he doesn't need me to tell him that, does that make sense?
Just sharing some thoughts...it helps already. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
- I needed that.