I would like to thank everyone who posted on my last thread with all of your kind words. I feel very blessed for a multitude of reasons. If you find inspiration from my sitch, please know that I am no different than you. Embrace this time that your spouse has given to you as a gift to become the best person that we should always aspire to become despite our circumstances.
Originally Posted By: Prayingmomma
How did you hold out hope?
Prayingmomma, I noticed that this has been your only post. Since you are being moderated, it got buried in my last thread. Hopefully you are reading and will post often and utilize what this site has to offer.
I’ll share a post that I wrote on my FB wall earlier this year.
It isn't a matter of how or when life will put us on our knees, because it will. It is how and what we do to overcome life's obstacles to become better people in the face of the storms.
It is always a matter of perspective.
What I do know, the one constant in life is God and his unconditional love. I believe it. I embrace it.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Life is great with God's abundant love and blessings.
If you read back on my threads, there was a point that I didn’t have any hope for my M. It was when I accepted that my M was over and embraced my new life without my W that I completely detached. It took over a year to get to that point.
I did know that I was going to be fine no matter the outcome of my M. I’m a glass half-full type of guy. There is always a silver lining to every situation. Do what is within your control and leave the rest up to God.
Here is an email from a really dear friend that really struck a chord with me.
Something that has REALLY helped me this past while is a revelation which says:
“And he who receiveth all things with gratitude, the same will be made glorious. . .”, now, He didn’t say just be grateful for the good things, He said be grateful for all things (even the painful ones) because they help us learn and grow and like you said become humble. I’ve found that when I do that I tell myself, “O.K., the Lord wants me to learn some things, I don’t know what they all are right now so I’ll just have to trust Him that whatever happens it will be for my good and I’ll be a lot better person when it’s all over.
That attitude has turned some challenging situations into very positive experiences for me.
This helped me out tremendously. I hope it will help some of you.
I need to update my sitch and I will continue share many of the things that helped me along the way.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Did your spouse ever say, at any point, that there was no way to turn this around? Their mind was set regardless of what you did? This is where I am right now and I am trying to remain hopeful.
Did your spouse ever say, at any point, that there was no way to turn this around? Their mind was set regardless of what you did? This is where I am right now and I am trying to remain hopeful.
Oh yeah. In her mind I was the root of all of her unhappiness. She told me some downright mean things. She gave me the "false hope" speech on several occasions. She told me that marriage counseling was useless, etc.
Now she is taking the bull by the horns and looking into individual counseling on her own. She realizes that she is responsible for her part in the demise of our M. As she told me yesterday, it took reality to hit her in the gut.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
If you read back on my threads, there was a point that I didn’t have any hope for my M. It was when I accepted that my M was over and embraced my new life without my Wthat I completely detached.
this is soooooooooooo KEYto successful DBing, in my opinion! I have posted before that the two most successful mindsets that I've seen used to get to this place in your mind are:
- The Stockdale Paradox
- The Band of Brothers" "you're already dead" scene
(you can Google both of them; we're not allowed to post links here)
Simply put, until you can "get to this place" in your mind and in your heart, 95% of what you're going to do is going to be wheel-spinning, in my experience.
Oddly enough, my husband is saying that he accepts that he made mistakes and says he has no ill-will towards me. What was your turning point?
A huge turning point was exactly what Starsky highlighted in the post that preceded yours.
It was when I was completely out of my W's way to live her life and deal with her reality that things begun to turn. There are some great analogies on the forums to use as examples. The picnic analogy that I posted in my last thread and the dropping the road analogy that is floating around come to mind. I know 25 had another analogy about swimming to the other side.
As for what you H is telling you. Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.
Another quote that I believe fits the WAS. “You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.” ― Ayn Rand
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Am so grateful for this thread! I find myself thinking about it when my thoughts go negative.
I wanted to ask if you could explain a little more about what you said to sophiedaphne about believing nothing that they say and half of what they do.
Like her my H says nothing can be done to save the M and also he knows he made mistakes but has no Ill will towards me.
So does that mean I should not believe that?
And when he lied about the OW should I have actually known ( if i had been DBing at the time) he was lying at the time???
Thanks. You are a rock here
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Did your spouse ever say, at any point, that there was no way to turn this around? Their mind was set regardless of what you did? This is where I am right now and I am trying to remain hopeful.
Oh yeah. In her mind I was the root of all of her unhappiness. She told me some downright mean things. She gave me the "false hope" speech on several occasions. She told me that marriage counseling was useless, etc.
Now she is taking the bull by the horns and looking into individual counseling on her own. She realizes that she is responsible for her part in the demise of our M. As she told me yesterday, it took reality to hit her in the gut.
More reassurance - My wife has said the exact same thing. Went to counseling a couple time, then decided it wasn't doing any good, and has said "don't get your hopes up, I'm not reconsidering."
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
