The journey I have been on the past 4 weeks has been very difficult.
Shooting a movie on a boat is very challenging. It added a level of logistical planning that I had yet to do at this point.. Especially when I had 8 boats to coordinate in the middle of the night.. In the middle of San Francisco bay.
However as hard as that was...it didn't even compare to the struggles I had with the director and cinematographer.
I dbed the sh!t out of them and it didn't make a difference. When they expressed their negative feelings about me, I validated. When they were rude, I showed grace and kindness.
I tried to reframe my perspective to allow forgiveness...
But doing all that just made me a bigger mirror.. And the more I dbed.. The bigger and cleaner the mirror became.
And at first it bothered me. My job is to support the director.. And all she did was put me down.
I questioned myself on why I should keep DBing. Why should I show kindness and grace when it clearly wasn't being shown to me.
And then.. It happened. Other crew members starting approaching me. They not only complimented my skill, but my attitude...
... And when Sh!t hit the fan (which it did) the crew went to bat for me... Because of who I am and what I showed them.
And although my director may never appreciate me.. 30 other people did.
Sometimes you can't win them all.
It was such a good lesson to learn.. Because I had to let go. I had to accept her opinion was hers and one that that I had no control over. I had to not let her opinion turn into truth in my head.
What a beautiful lesson to learn. I knew I went up to San Francisco to learn something...
... And for me that is how to let go.
I Will be back in la in 2 days and I will have to deal with my wife and the divorce.
I need to keep continuing to let go.
I know it's a process and for me.. I think it's time I hit the next phase.
I believe in my heart that I have become a better Val. I believe that I am someone only a fool would leave.
Now it's time for me to accept that my wife doesn't want to know this better Val.. And although it has hurt like hell.. It's time to let that pain go...
It's time to sign.. Move on.. And heal.
There is so much I have learned in these pasts weeks which I will continue to share on these boards.
The most important thing was that if you truly believe in God's mercy and grace.. Then you can show mercy and grace to anyone...
... Including the ones who hurt you deeply.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
The journey I have been on the past 4 weeks has been very difficult.
Shooting a movie on a boat is very challenging. It added a level of logistical planning that I had yet to do at this point.. Especially when I had 8 boats to coordinate in the middle of the night.. In the middle of San Francisco bay.
However as hard as that was...it didn't even compare to the struggles I had with the director and cinematographer.
I dbed the sh!t out of them and it didn't make a difference. When they expressed their negative feelings about me, I validated. When they were rude, I showed grace and kindness.
I tried to reframe my perspective to allow forgiveness...
But doing all that just made me a bigger mirror.. And the more I dbed.. The bigger and cleaner the mirror became.
And at first it bothered me. My job is to support the director.. And all she did was put me down.
I questioned myself on why I should keep DBing. Why should I show kindness and grace when it clearly wasn't being shown to me.
And then.. It happened. Other crew members starting approaching me. They not only complimented my skill, but my attitude...
... And when Sh!t hit the fan (which it did) the crew went to bat for me... Because of who I am and what I showed them.
And although my director may never appreciate me.. 30 other people did.
Sometimes you can't win them all.
It was such a good lesson to learn.. Because I had to let go. I had to accept her opinion was hers and one that that I had no control over. I had to not let her opinion turn into truth in my head.
What a beautiful lesson to learn. I knew I went up to San Francisco to learn something...
... And for me that is how to let go.
I Will be back in la in 2 days and I will have to deal with my wife and the divorce.
I need to keep continuing to let go.
I know it's a process and for me.. I think it's time I hit the next phase.
I believe in my heart that I have become a better Val. I believe that I am someone only a fool would leave.
Now it's time for me to accept that my wife doesn't want to know this better Val.. And although it has hurt like hell.. It's time to let that pain go...
It's time to sign.. Move on.. And heal.
There is so much I have learned in these pasts weeks which I will continue to share on these boards.
The most important thing was that if you truly believe in God's mercy and grace.. Then you can show mercy and grace to anyone...
... Including the ones who hurt you deeply.
Wow...^^^^
other than that, my only comment is how jealous/envious I am of what you are doing and with whom (I LOVE Eliza Dushku and so do my 2 d's...I almost read your post to them, which would have been a first)
I'm Loving the growth and insights...really.
maybe there's a time to firmly and always calmly, let a rude person know they've crossed the line and that you are not responsible for their behavior.
But knowing 30 others went to bat for you - will have to be enough for now, and it's more than many get.
Congrats on all counts!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The most important thing was that if you truly believe in God's mercy and grace.. Then you can show mercy and grace to anyone...
... Including the ones who hurt you deeply.
Val, love this quote. you have learned that any and every experience can teach us and that growth is everywhere. thank you val for sharing your journey, it has helped me immeasurably. all your strength will carry you through the next part. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Just thinking of you and hoping you are well. Keep us posted and keep up the good work.
I was thinking also of your work and your church's pastor. Hope he and his wife are finding God's plan for them. I know there's always a plan.
But in my life I've fogged it up so frequently w/all my analysis, that what the plan is, can seem clear to others-
but when it comes to me, it's barely a 51/49 choice. And that shifts too...like a Gallup poll.
Anyhow, hope you're well and all that. My older d graduated w/her Drama BA here in LA. (And With honors, clap clap clap...plus no more tuition payments- CLAP CLAP CLAP!!)
As I watch her struggle in this industry, I can only hope she meets more people like you and a LOT less people like that director.
It's SO odd & disappoining and ironic to me that artists would be that way w/each other.
I mean, I'm a L. We're advocates so we "Argue" to "WIN", and we do it for a living (which is not so fun anymore, but that's another topic). The theater I've done as a passionate "hobby" (which I'd drop in a heartbeat if I could make a living at) has always been a source of joy for me.
But as I reflected on the behavior you described w/the director, plus all the logistical challenges it presented (some of which sounded pretty cool)
and all I could ask myself was, "you're the artists who express and create, and the director does this crap? So, WTH?"
Just rambling and checkin' in...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
@25 Thanks for checking in... it's been a little rough being back.. I was on the 405 home (which was traffic free!) and I felt the huge burden of my looming D fall back on my shoulders.
I've been trying to hand it over to God. I know he wants to take care of my burden.. but I'm having a hard time..
.. but that's another post.
Sooo awesome about your d! You must be super proud!
My mom never once tried to convince me of another path. It took me 3 yrs here in LA to finally start earning consistently. My mom never lost faith in me. She always said the struggle would be worth it.
From my perspective, struggling to "make it" is almost a guarantee for anyone.
But it's not "all for not" if you don't let it be.
Figuring out "how" is different for everyone. Some learn to play the politics really well. Others become chameleons. Some just work really hard and pay their dues until someone notices....
There are SOO many different ways to "make it".
I'm sure your D will meet quite a few me's... but the jury is out on if she will meet MORE of my last director. They probably will not be as crazy.. but in an industry where FEAR is the dominant emotion.. it's going to be hard to find people who are willing to look in the mirror.
As you know and she will learn, the film industry isn't very forgiving. It doesn't like to allow for flaws or mistakes.
There's a reason why my field has an extremely high level of divorce rates, messed up families, drug and alcohol issues.. etc.
People are soo fearful. And when fear is the main emotion.. WATCH OUT.
People don't want to seem flawed or admit mistakes so they blame others. They try to protect themselves at the expense of others because our industry believes that "you only get one chance". (horsesh!t btw).
When my director made small mistakes.. she could easily apologize... but IMO - the failure of the movie was based on her actions and her failure to admit them.. thus being able to correct the ones with negative consequences.
I'm not saying her actions were right or wrong - only saying that they had BIG consequences..
.. and she needed someone to blame. She chose me. It makes sense as I'm the gatekeeper of time on set. It's my job to make the days and it would be so easy for me to take the heat. The executive producers know nothing of filmmaking.. but they did know my position.
He!! maybe she even truly believed in her core that I ACTUALLY did screw her movie.
But I do know that it would be extremely hard for her to admit that SHE was to blame. In all honesty, her decisions cost thousands of dollars. It would be hard to get another Exec Prod to give money to a careless director like her should she have chosen to admit her mistakes.
So I was the scapegoat.
Stuff like this happens too often for me not to believe that fear drove her actions..
... and because I believe that in my heart to be true.. it has been alot easier to find grace and kindness for her.. or anyone else who is fearful on set.
Because fear is an emotion that I GREATLY relate to..
I'm scared sh!tless to see my wife. I have nightmares and feel such fear... it is paralyzing at times.
And I catch myself wanting to place blame on her at times. It's sooo easy to do because I am that scared...
.. and I struggle with that ALOT.
.. BUT the last thing I want is someone yelling at me. Saying "well man up and do it". I want understanding and encouragement, and the safety that if I fail it's okay. Whilst cheering on my 1% success.
Because when I have those things.. that's when I have the courage to try again. That's when I take the next step forward.
And the percentage of success grows too!
Sometimes tough love IS necessary.. but it hasn't been tough love that has moved me forward... it has been people showing God's unconditional gracious love to me in the past 2 yrs.
And in that time love has become such a HUGE part of my life that it now bleeds into my career.
I don't want to be an AD that bullies people to make the day. I want to inspire them to put their best foot forward the same way I like to...
.. and the only way I know how to do that successfully is to create a safe and loving environment so that people want to do that.
That means accepting their flaws. Accepting their fears..
.. and not take their negative actions personal BUT taking a personal interest in creating more positive ones.
People kinda think I'm crazy. But it works for me and brings joy in my life.
That was a huge tangent to say that I know your d will struggle but if she finds that piece about herself (and I'm not taking about talent, or work ethic) but that piece of her soul that defines who she is as a human being... as God's child... and brings that into this industry.
She will do just fine ... and she will love going to work.
I hope I get to run into her one day. If she's anything like her mom, I'm sure we will get alone just fine!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I'd like her to meet you (well ME TOO!!!) b/c I think if she could hear this coming from YOU it would have more weight, and
she'd gain some clarity.
She's very talented and I'm not alone in believing that. But I never believed she would be given her particular talents if she were not meant to use them, so I do have faith she's in the right industry.
OTOH, sure, Sometimes I wish her talents had been in architecture of something I KNOW will provide, and I would not worry so much, but that's not where her gifts are, so far. So I'll support her b/c it is what she wants AND it seems to be where God placed her, if you know what I mean.
It's not an easy path or a path that has lights along the way guiding you as to how to get where you HOPE you are going "go here next, then point B and then take the first right to get to C..."
So much guesswork and so many "gurus" with advice that is worth little. I audited an acting class and young people were writing down things that we so blindingly obvious I could not believe they'd pay someone to tell them this...(but I've seen and attended great ones too. It's an avocation of mine.)
A lot of charlatans...anyhow,
Are you in the alt universe?
((( )))
PS
maybe you should take the fact that the 405 S was "FREE OF TRAFFIC" !!??!?
AS THE MIRACLE IT MUST BE...
and that it's a sign of good things to come.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
,but this really stuck out.