WHG: And so we file...

[workinghardguy]

Time to start a new thread...

I've been doing some serious thinking over the past two days. Trying to analyze my sitch and get my head around some things...

@Figg.. there is no R with the father of SS and SD. That's a non-starter. The last thing he will do is give up his time so I can have some. No, the only time I will get is time that is now my STBX's.

To the other suggestion about weekends... that's worse frankly for having a life. I have our S two weekends a month. Now add SS and SD on a third weekend? Now I really get no life... while my STBX gets three kid-less weekends.

And frankly the problem isn't the kids. It isn't that I spend time with the kids or want to be with the kids. The problem is how I interact with her. It's not a problem that I have them while she works. It's not even a problem that I drop them off at her place and put them to bed. It's that she engages me in this need-based conversation because she lacks emotional support elsewhere. And I allow the engagement to continue.

The dropping by behaviors are very new, hence my struggle to deal with them. I haven't gone over the top in reacting because I'm trying to figure out if they are something that will keep happening or a transient behavior. If they are going to continue then I need to set boundaries. Oddly enough being formally divorced or even separated I think will help. Call me stupid or old-fashioned or whatnot... I still have a hard time not acting like a husband when I am one. I know I'm not in her eyes, but I am one. By tomorrow evening I won't be one legally... or I will be but one that is legally separated from his spouse.

Last night she called me and asked what I was doing. I said I was busy. Her and the kids were down watching a friend's softball game. S was bored and getting antsy and annoying. According to her he asked to come over to my place (which is two blocks from the softball diamonds). I told her I was busy and couldn't. It's funny how her tone went from chipper/chatty to disinterested and flat. I couldn't be of use to her... no need for pretense I guess.

Tonight the kids are staying over at my place. It's great having them all here. It was a work night for STBX and on Wednesdays during the summer I work from home and it's my day with my S, so I offered to have all the kids. Before folks jump on me, STBX has all the kids two to three days a week during the summer and we have a sitter the other day or two. Just trying to keep an fair workload and manage costs. Summer care is expensive. It also allows me to have them here and not at her place.

I emailed her tonight because I looked at my clinic bill and see that she has $400 in charges on there. This despite me shutting down that account. I emailed her to let her know she owes me $400 and that I would like it within two weeks. I shut the account down start of May but that much was already there. I don't believe she did it intentionally.

After I sent the email I remembered that it's her birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday, pay me $400.

We meet at 10:30 to sign the papers. Guess that's my birthday present to her. Whatever. I've been on and off a mess since Sunday about it. It changes nothing. It simply codifies what is already reality. It financially protects me. It moves me closer to being able to purchase the house and make larger changes here.

But it still breaks my heart. Sort of wish I didn't have to come home to all the kids here. Don't suspect I'll be in a great mood to be a dad tomorrow. At the same time I can't think of anyone else I'd really rather be with on that day. Double-edged sword I guess.

[JustStunned]

WHG, Sorry about your drama tomorrow. Keep in mind it is just a piece of paper. I know many of us look at it as an ending. It is also a beginning. Try and take some solace from that.

The kids will be watching your actions for clues about how to be. Do your best to stay even.

Manly ((()))

[scaredsilly]

Good luck! you sound like a great father! enjoy them!

[Ctflor]

Time to start a new thread...

I've been doing some serious thinking over the past two days. Trying to analyze my sitch and get my head around some things...

@Figg.. there is no R with the father of SS and SD. That's a non-starter. The last thing he will do is give up his time so I can have some. No, the only time I will get is time that is now my STBX's.

Are you comfortable with approaching him? Maybe he would be willing to work out a plan with you. Is it worth a try or is he closed to you?

To the other suggestion about weekends... that's worse frankly for having a life. I have our S two weekends a month. Now add SS and SD on a third weekend? Now I really get no life... while my STBX gets three kid-less weekends.

Maybe you can find a way to schedule it on a weekend or two where you get all of the kids together, then she is responsible through the week. Then the kids can have a stable week of no back and forth. I can tell you now that it's hard to get a judge to agree to that schedule. I tried to do this with my ex and the judge would not have it, and told us that sending our D back and forth to two homes so often was not healthy for her. Your ex may have to change her schedule around even if she doesn't want to.

And frankly the problem isn't the kids. It isn't that I spend time with the kids or want to be with the kids. The problem is how I interact with her. It's not a problem that I have them while she works. It's not even a problem that I drop them off at her place and put them to bed. It's that she engages me in this need-based conversation because she lacks emotional support elsewhere. And I allow the engagement to continue.

Because there are no boundaries, and she feels no boundaries. It also does not help that you are inside of her home. She left the home that you two shared together in order to seek space. But she's not getting that because you are still going into her home. She doesn't know what it's like to live alone, and at this point she can only imagine it. Filing for divorce to her is going to be cake, because she knows you are her fall guy. Her safety net. So why not go on with the divorce? You will be there for emotional support when she needs you. You will be there when her friends don't pick up the phone. You will be there when she needs a nap...etc. This divorce thing is going to work for her because you will be there when she starts dating (as Figg put it) plan a.

Call me stupid or old-fashioned or whatnot... I still have a hard time not acting like a husband when I am one. I know I'm not in her eyes, but I am one. By tomorrow evening I won't be one legally... or I will be but one that is legally separated from his spouse.

I totally understand this I know that it was hard for me to not want to be my ex's wife. When we divorced, he actually asked me if I'd help him do a load of his laundry because he was running behind on work. I obliged, thinking that if he could only see how much I love him, how good I am to him that he would change. But no, he didn't. I stopped doing things for him, and it was painful to finally realize my own behavior. Divorce however is not always the end. Many people wake up after the D. My ex did, about 8 months post divorce he wanted it all back but by that time I had moved across state and got on with my life.

Last night she called me and asked what I was doing. I said I was busy. Her and the kids were down watching a friend's softball game. S was bored and getting antsy and annoying. According to her he asked to come over to my place (which is two blocks from the softball diamonds). I told her I was busy and couldn't. It's funny how her tone went from chipper/chatty to disinterested and flat. I couldn't be of use to her... no need for pretense I guess.

Good for you, WHG.

We meet at 10:30 to sign the papers. Guess that's my birthday present to her. Whatever. I've been on and off a mess since Sunday about it. It changes nothing. It simply codifies what is already reality.

I'm so sorry. I am sending a prayer up for you, for strength and peace.

But it still breaks my heart. Sort of wish I didn't have to come home to all the kids here. Don't suspect I'll be in a great mood to be a dad tomorrow. At the same time I can't think of anyone else I'd really rather be with on that day. Double-edged sword I guess.

Maybe do something fun. Get out of the house, see a movie, go skating, or anything. I know it sounds so freaking cliche' but being out can really help.

[workinghardguy]

For the summer the whole being at her house should be a moot point now. I've told her that she can pick the kids up here after work since staying up late in the summer isn't a big deal. Or, like last night, they can stay over here.

In the mornings she's agreed to have S at her house until the sitter gets there. That way I can get to work earlier. I've told S that he will have to let himself into mom's house. I'll drop him and off and give him a kiss just like we do for school.

The dad avenue is closed to me of that I'm sure.

The crazy-ass schedule they have now was actually approved by the judge, much to my W's dismay.

The area of operation that I have to maneuver in is pretty well defined at this point. So I just have to choose what maneuvers I want to do.

So anyway... here's an update... W stopped by this morning, at my request. The children had bought birthday gifts for her last week at a rummage sale and wanted to give them to her. We were going to go after that to file.

So she comes in and tells me that we can do this another day. She still has questions about the paperwork and isn't sure what's up exactly so we might as well just wait to file.

I guess I should've seen this coming... but I didn't so I wasn't prepared for that route. Then she left. No gift for her from me. Just a plant of hers that she left behind. It's far healthier now than when she lived here, but it used to be in my bedroom and I just didn't want it around here anymore. I suppose I could've just thrown it away. Ah well.

Part of me wishes we had just gone and done it. Rather than forestalling it yet again. Then again I can pull the trigger whenever. I'll have to meditate on that...

[figgeroni]

is she doing this on purpose...this dance of stalling?

like another chink of control

if so, I would take it from her

[workinghardguy]

I don't know. Not sure how I would know.

My gut tells me that "on purpose" isn't the right term. As in she's doing it to control me. My gut says she's not doing it because she's confused... which is really what she's been all along, confused.

Somewhere someone posted about the "big steps" the WAW goes through. Telling the kids is one. Moving out is one point. Filing is another. Executing the divorce is another.

My gut feeling is based primarily on the belief that all of her excuses for not filing have always been bogus. If filing was a #1 priority she would find the money (the excuse up to this point). After all she found the money for a new tattoo.

And if I know my W at all it will now morph into her "spending the money" she had for the filing and returning to her not having money to file as the reason for not filing.

But that's my gut... no way to know if it's right.

Personally I don't think I'm ready to be the filer. Not yet. I don't know why, but I know I'm not ready to take that step. Though the idea is less discomforting to me than it was say two months ago.

And there's a fiscal consideration too... I'm on her health insurance which is about $300/month less than my employer's insurance and far, far better. I know at some point I'll have to pony up but there are some bills I'm trying to dig out from and that money is helpful.

And in our state it takes a minimum of four months to divorce. So if it doesn't happen until August then I get to end the year married which has significant tax implications for me.

And there are stipulations in the agreement that don't kick in until a final decision has been entered by the court. Pushing that out is also financially advantageous for me. For example I have one year to secure, from the date of the decree, to secure financing to buy her out of the house. Originally I thought I was going to have to get that done by March of next year, now... ?? now it can't be until September of next year at the earliest. That provides me more time to retire debts and line up better financing.

Maybe that sounds crass or overly analytical, but in the end we're talking about an impact of more than $10,000 potentially.

I know this file/no-file thing is driving some of my friends and family nuts. But I point out to them that I can choose to file whenever I want to. She's not in control of me through this. She's not "holding up my life" any more than I choose to let her.

Right now I'm not dating, not looking to date, or any of that. There is some risk exposure through debts and whatnot, I understand that. There is the emotional issue that I still view myself in some ways as "married" and a "husband". A divorce might break me of those. But it's also possible for me to do that without it if I just man up to it.

Though part of me wonders if a filing would shake her up enough to see the world differently.

[figgeroni]

doesn't sound crass at all...sounds smart

good for you for thinking things through

[workinghardguy]

Had a good weekend. Got to spend the entire weekend with SS and S and we had good fun. Our volunteer group runs a very cool mobile flight sim and we take it to schools, festivals, etc... This weekend was our small city's summer festival and they asked us to have the sim there. SS wanted to work the booth and wanted to go to the summer festival so he opted to skip going to his dad's house and instead spend the weekend with me and my S. I was grateful for his help and had a lot of fun with him. I also made sure he was well stocked with ride tickets and fair food

Saw W on Friday. Not by choice, but she stopped by our recruiting/sim booth as she visited the fair. I had actually seen her Thursday evening when she dropped SS off after her shift. She was in a dark, foul mood that night and when I took a phone call instead of talking to her she more or less stomped out of the house in a very pissy manner.

But it was fairly liberating. I had been trying to reach the person who called me, and I didn't really worry how it would make her feel. When we were together it used to drive me nuts that she would take a call while we were talking. After she stomped out I had a moment of guilt wondering if I made her feel bad. Then I remembered I can't make her feel any one way so if she's mad that's her problem.

Anyway, on Friday she stopped by the fair booth and asked to talk to me. She apologized profusely for storming out of the house and started to go on about what had happened to her that night at work. It did sound horrible and I empathized a little, especially when she described having to get HIV tested, but the risk is extremely low. Anyway, I cut her off and told her I appreciated the apology, but that I didn't really worry that she was mad at me or not. But I did appreciate her effort.

Rest of the weekend I didn't see her. SS, S and I all worked the festival. Because we're a small town I saw lots of her friends. Each one came up and gave me big hugs and talked lots. It was strange.

Then on Sunday it was our festival's parade. My house is right on the parade route. Every year we would throw a big parade party with 40-50 people, grill out, etc... This year I didn't do the party thing as I didn't really want to relive everything with the neighbors. My mom came and watched the parade with my S and SS while I worked the festival. At one I wandered over to get some food (my mom brought food anyway of course) and lo and behold there is my SIL, her daughter, and my FIL. SIL had messaged me earlier asking if we were watching the parade and if she could come over. I told her what was going on but that if she wanted to use some of my road frontage she was welcome to it. So I expected her but not FIL.

FIL gives me a big hug and handshake and says it's great to see me. Mind you my FIL is the same age as me... don't ask how that works. But we've always gotten along. I stayed and talked to them for a little while and then got back to the festival.

So it was a good weekend. SS, SD, and S are all staying here tonight as W is on an overnight shift. It still feels good having them all under my roof. When W dropped SD off tonight she started to launch into what her day at work was like. I excused myself to get some paperwork out of my car. When I got back inside she had gathered her stuff and was ready to leave. I didn't necessarily intend for the paperwork to be a reason to cut her off, but it worked out that way. It was kind of nice actually.

[2thepoint]

Hey WHG - good to hear that you are doing so well and that you are finding opportunities to stay connected to your step-children. One observation and something for you to consider.

Your W sure does spend a lot of time unloading her daily stress onto your shoulders. For a married couple that would be perfectly fine given appropriate boundaries. For a couple moving towards a D, it is inappropriate.

When your W begins launching into her daily rundown of daily work stress, perhaps you could tell her "W, you know when we were living together as a family, I was happy to listen to your work stories. But now that things are different, I'm really not comfortable being that sounding board for you any longer."

By setting this boundary you will potentially free yourself from having to be on the receiving end of her rant every time she sees you and her not reciprocating like a supportive spouse would normally do.

Cutting off her emotional crutch may force her to realize at a deeper level one more thing she is giving up by giving up on your M. And, you will also be able to more effectively detach.

Just something to consider.

Take care!