Do others feel like I do that at some point the WAS is going to realize what s/he is losing but by that time it will be too late?
I think the best thing to focus on is making things good for you, working on yourself and then if H comes out of the fog, great-if not, great.
And you may decide he's not what you want at that point.
That's why keeping the focus on you is so important.
You know for certain that the one person who will definitely be around at the end of this road is you, and if you're not OK with that person, then you're screwed.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
@advinva, I feel much less agitated since sending off the email. I don't have to fret about a face to face meeting. The ball is now in his court and he can proceed how/when he wants. Not my problem.
@Joyful Girl. He refuses counselling and even to talk to anyone from our life together. Our family doctor suggested in late January that he should be on anti depressants and he refused and since then, from what I understand, he won't take any calls from our doctor. That's why his email was so alarming with the statement about having a discussion. He's just completely shut down for three months now and doesn't want to talk about anything except when he was living at home the last few weeks talk about dividing assets but even then he refused to say specifics.
I'm taking the good advice from my good friends here. This is his problem now. I'm living in a beautiful, airy home with a garden while he chose to move out to a rented apartment an hour away from his work.
I'm very fortunate to be in a position where I'm not relying on him for financial support. I've been fixing little things around the house that I previously depended on him for--like the thingamjig on the edge of the shower door. Went to the hardware store and asked for help and got the right glue and spent half an hour sitting at the end of the tub getting it to work. Felt like a little victory.
I can make the payments for our house on my own, heck, I've even for the first time hired a dogsitter so I don't need to rely on him when I'm out of town for work.
I've been working hard on learning about boundaries, detaching myself from my H's actions and emotions, and I feel it's gotten me to a point where actually having a face to face convo is no harder than email for me. I'm curious what he'll say, I can listen and not react, I keep my power over my responses. It's taken a lot of practice, and I'm not always good at it.
But I had a difficult conversation with work, a performance review, and it worked for me in that situation too.
Keep doing what you're doing WofPa.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
May I ask how you were able to have that difficult conversation with work? Is it focusing on keeping your power over your responses? How did you practice? Sounds very useful not just in dealing with WAS but in work and in life in general.
I was out of town to give a speech and one of the other presenters had a good technique that I will use next time. Before you give a talk or enter into a difficult conversation, he advised: stamp your feet a number of times. This will ground you. A physical proof of your stability. I'm going to try it.
@labug. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have been following your sitch and have huge respect and admiration for your calmness.
It seemed so bleak when I got the email about the discussions of assets. But you're right. It's not over yet. At the end of all of this, I will still be left standing and it's my choice of whether I stand with my head held high that I did my best.
I think you did a great job!! I know exactly what you mean about the little victories. I told H that I had fixed something and he said oh you could have asked me I had some of the stuff you needed. I just shrugged and said no big deal went to the hardware store. I know he wants to help it's his nature but I feel bad asking and I don't think it's good detach.
Ah, yes...its pretty difficult since he is not open to counseling right now. One thing I've learned in life is people have to want to reach out/accept help. No one else can do that or *make* another person want to do it.
You on the other hand, have a wonderful well of strength within you! Perhaps on some level your strength, resilience and growing sense of self intimidate your H right now? You're making things work for YOU...taking a craptastic sitch and learning from it in very positive ways.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Made it through H's birthday yesterday without calling him or emailing him. Just thought about him briefly and kept busy the rest of the day with lunch out with a friend and then a party last night and got caught up with some good friends.
Came across this Van Morrison song. Never heard it before and it's been on repeat for most of the morning. Hope some of you get something out of it as I have from the lyrics. I love the part about non attachment. Hey, that's the same thing as detachment.
Enlightenment
Chop that wood Carry water What's the sound of one hand clapping Enlightenment, don't know what it is
Every second, every minute It keeps changing to something different Enlightenment, don't know what it is Enlightenment, don't know what it is It says it's non attachment Non attachment. non attachment
I'm in the here and now, and I'm meditating And still I'm suffering but that's my problem Enlightenment, don't know what it is
Wake up
Enlightenment says the world is nothing Nothing but a dream, everything's an illusion And nothing is real
Good or bad baby You can change it anyway you want You can rearrange it Enlightenment, don't know what it is Chop that wood And carry water What's the sound of one hand clapping Enlightenment, don't know what it is
All around baby. you can see You're making your own reality. everyday because Enlightenment, don't know what it is
One more time
Enlightenment. don't know what it is It's up to you Enlightenment. don't know what it is It's up to you everyday Enlightenment, don't know what it is It's always up to you Enlightenment, don't know what it is It's up to you, the way you think
