Didn't think I'd have to come back...

[MrBond]

Get a hold of yourself. Do you remember when you were Dbing and learned to gain back your self-respect and strength? That's what you need to do now. This is why the DB work is so important. You have to get yourself strong again.

He needs to step up and see to your needs and insecurities. If he can't do that, then you have your answer of whether or not you should be together.

Just remember that during Piecing, there are often false starts where the WAS is still questioning their decision. You have to remain the rock for now. It [censored] but remember the overall goal.

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks MrBond:
You're so right...I need to start doing my GALing again and be the rock of the family now. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...

I won't let this break me!!

[MrBond]

That's the spirit!

And on a side note, I wonder why the word "s@cks" is considered a censored word? Just wondering.

[FreeBird0120]

Hahaha...I know...that should be one word in this forum that should definitely be allowed as all of this [censored]!! Have a great rest of your week!!

[FreeBird0120]

H held me last night and again this morning in bed, but he's still so distant. I asked him this morning if this was something he still wanted to do. He didn't answer right away but squeezed me tighter. I said, "Your silence scares me a little." He said, "If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be."

Then later on before he went to work he asked me why I asked him that. I told him that I felt he was being very distant and that I knew he was dealing with some pretty heavy issues, and that I want to be there for him, and that if he felt like he couldn't do this, that I didn't want him to feel obligated or stuck. I said that I want nothing more than to fix us and work on us, but that if it was something he couldn't do that he needed to let me know.

He was just quiet, and I asked him what he was feeling. He said that he just felt lost and alone. That he didn't know where he fit in or where he belonged. His medication is messing with him and he feels like crap all the time. I told him that I wanted him to know that I love him with all of my heart, and that I would love for him to feel happiness again with me and his kids standing right beside him. I could tell he wanted to say more, but he couldn't. He said he has no one to talk to, and I said I was here for him. He told me that I have my own things I'm dealing with right now, and this is all he knows how to do...shut down.

I don't know what to do to help him anymore. I am still dealing with all of my issues with everything that has happened he is correct, but I am still here for him and he knows it. I can't force him to talk to me, I can't force him to be happy with me and I can't fix this by myself.

I feel like to never say or do the right things for him. But unless he talks to me about what he needs, then I will never know.

I too feel so lost right now...I'm trying to hold on with everything in me, but my strength is at an all time low and I just don't know how much more I can endure...

[oldtimer]

Freebird,

You have got to detach so you CAN be there for him.

It is very insightful of H to recognize that you have so much going on yourself that you may have no emotional resources left to support him.

And he feels bad about that.

He IS open up to you.

He IS demonstrating a lot of compassion and empathy toward you.

You are so wrapped up in trying to analyze, shape, control everything that you can't see it. You can't see HIM. You can't be there for HIM. You worry about what every little thing he thinks or does means about YOU or your M. You give him back what YOU want. Everything is all about YOU.

This is perfectly understandable. You are in shock. You are reeling. You are hurt. Of course your focus is on you.

But, unless you can detach, then you never really can be there for him, you can never really see HIM. This is why detachment is necessary for healing now and for true intimacy long-term.

Let's look at this:

"He was just quiet, and I asked him what he was feeling. He said that he just felt lost and alone. That he didn't know where he fit in or where he belonged. His medication is messing with him and he feels like crap all the time. I told him that I wanted him to know that I love him with all of my heart, and that I would love for him to feel happiness again with me and his kids standing right beside him. I could tell he wanted to say more, but he couldn't. He said he has no one to talk to, and I said I was here for him. He told me that I have my own things I'm dealing with right now, and this is all he knows how to do...shut down."

H opened up to you big time. He talked about his pain and confusion, about his insecurity.

Imagine a friend told you that. Imagine you replied: "Hey friend, I care about you and what is really important is that we continue to have a great friendship."

Something is missing -- direct interest in your friend that isn't about you. Something like this: "Wow, that sounds really hard and scary. I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I can see why you'd be feeling that way. What are you doing to take care of you?"

That is, the focus should be on the friend's crisis rather than what your friend's crisis means about your friendship.

Same thing with H.

When you respond to his disclosure reactively, from your own pain, then your response becomes all about you. You can only focus on what his disclosure means in terms of what YOU want. You aren't seeing him.

He doesn't feel heard, or accepted, or supported. You aren't there for him.

Can you see that??? This is not to beat you up at all. It is a normal reaction especially given your circumstances. But detachment is KEY to you being able to have and show genuine compassion and understanding to H. You HAVE to get away from taking what he says personally to build real intimacy.

I know it sounds odd, until it seems obvious. Once it seems obvious, it is frustrating how odd it sounds to others.

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks Oldtimer,

You are right. I am hurting, because he's put me here, so it's hard to see or feel anything else right now. But I do love him and want to be there for him and help him. I also know that I can't fix him. He has to do that for himself.

I will try to detach more and hopefully that helps and doesn't make him think that I'm pulling away. Maybe that's what OW is doing for him. Who knows...nothing makes sense right now.

Thanks for your input I really appreciate it!!