Hopefully we can continue our discussion tonight on what he's willing to do to help me and us...
I fear that we're at the make it or break it stage now...either we both give 100%, or we need to just go our separate ways...
The pain is debilitating...wish I could just have 5 minutes without the pain...
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
Don't underestimate the distinction I'm trying to get you to make, FB. If your husband tries to deflect, just keep singing the same one-note tune, thusly:
H: "I'm not sure I can do that." FB: "I understand. That's something you'll have to decide. I just thought it only fair to let YOU know what I need from a husband going forward."
H: "That's controlling -- you're telling me what to do." FB: "On the contrary. I have zero desire to control you; it's mentally and emotionally exhausting, and I've decided that I can only let you know what it is that I need from a husband. Whether or not you feel you can BE that husband is entirely up to you. But this is what I need."
H: "You're telling me who I can talk to??" FB: "No, I'm telling you that I am no longer willing to live in a marriage where my husband continues to have contract with a woman with whom he had an affair, and isn't willing to do the things necessary to end that, and to be transparent enough with me so that I can feel safe again in the relationship. That's how I feel, and what I've decided is best for me. Whether or not you can do that, remains to be seen, and I understand if you can't. All I do ask is that you please be honest with me, and be honest with me if not today, then this week, because I can't keep doing this."
btw, one of the best I ever saw on this forum at doing this was a poster named Pearlharbor. She wasn't married, but was in a long-term, and she-thought MONOGAMOUS relationship with a guy, who then cheated on her. Once she decided what it was she wanted and needed, she just kept calmly and firmly telling him "This is what I need from a relationship. Whether or not you can do this is entirely up to you, but I felt it only fair to let you know what it is I'll need going forward."
She was amazing. I'm sure you could still find her old posts on here somewhere.
Pearlharbor was the poster from 2 years ago. When we last heard from her, she was still debating whether or not to leave her BF. She had a hard time getting over the trust issue and whether or not she could get over her expectations of him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I love your proposed conversation between FB and her H. I had a similar conversation with my H when we first got back together. Even today, I will ask him if he talked to the OW and he will say just business and that's it. Unfortuately, they work together but not in the same building. They work in the medical field. He said she will try and start a conversation via IM and he remains business with her and ignores everything else. At least this is what he has told me. And I believe him until he his behavior tells me something else. In the past I could always tell if he was talking too much to another female because he would come home and ignore me. Like he was feeling guilty about it. But I have not experience at all.
I love your proposed conversation between FB and her H. I had a similar conversation with my H when we first got back together. Even today, I will ask him if he talked to the OW and he will say just business and that's it. Unfortuately, they work together but not in the same building. They work in the medical field. He said she will try and start a conversation via IM and he remains business with her and ignores everything else. At least this is what he has told me. And I believe him until he his behavior tells me something else. In the past I could always tell if he was talking too much to another female because he would come home and ignore me. Like he was feeling guilty about it. But I have not experience at all.
It really doesn't matter if it's "all business" or not (and he's already admitting, that from her side, it's not) -- CONTACT IS CONTACT. Physiologically, each new contact with a former affair partner gets the endorphines (PEAs) running in the brain again, and basically re-sets the withdrawal clock to 0:00:00. In fact, even NEGATIVE contact (say, a fight or a disagreement, or a co-worker passing along a negative rumor about the woman) will set your husband back.
There is a saying around here and other marriage forums, and that is "No contact is no contact -- PERIOD." That's about right.
It's been really awkward at home. My emotions tend to get the best of me and my immediate reaction is to shut down. We tell each other we love each other, we hold each other at night before bed, and he holds me in the morning when we wake up, but it just feels so fake and forced. He's dealing with major emotional and mental issues, and of course so am I.
Just tried calling his work cell and he was on the other line...I've yet to hear back from him. I know I have no proof it was her, but it's a definite trigger for me.
Just want to stop feeling this ugly dark feeling...I want to be his one and only and truly feel that, but I don't...is he staying out of obligation? Does he have true deep seeded feelings for her and that's why he can't let her go?
I found out that she is leaving her H, and that has me terrified that H will want to make it work with her...
I've never been more terrified and alone in my life...
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
