Didn't think I'd have to come back...

[Some Day]

typo... expecting VERY little in return

[Starsky309]

Amen, Starsky. I wish I had listened to the wisdom on these boards the first time around. I was so desperate to have my H back that I practically rolled out the red carpet for him, expecting were little in return

Nearly everyone does. I made a bunch o' mistakes in my own sitch, too (letting my wife make one more, final "closure" phone call to OM, for example ... blcccch! -- that led to another six weeks of contact!). That's what's great about these forums, that people can come back and "pay it forward" and try to help others avoid our stupid mistakes!


Starsky

[FreeBird0120]

Thank you all for your advice. I know I have to demand these things in order to be sure H is 100% committed to working on us...however I'm so afraid of demanding these things to push him away.

The EA ended in November when H asked D12 and I to return home. He and OW had gotten into an argument because H wasn't contacting or responding to OW's calls or texts. He claims to have not contacted her or she him since other than a couple of phone calls regarding work only.

He says that he was so down, that she was the only one he was comfortable talking to, but that he realizes what he's done to me and the kids in doing so. He claims to be very sorry about this. The day I found out he'd been contacting her again was the day he went back on his depression meds. He's hoping this helps with his mood swings.

He says that she hasn't tried calling him and he hasn't called her, but that if she does call he's going to try ignoring her first, and if that doesn't work, he will answer and tell her he made a mistake and to please not call him and he won't call her. He's in such a fragile mental and emotional state right now that I fear if I insist on being part of that he will recoil.

I noticed that he left his work phone (which he'd been calling her on as it's the only thing I really can't track as long as he deletes the calls to and from eachother)in his truck last night. Whether that was so he didn't have to answer her call or he was afraid that I'd find out something is unknown...

He did tell me that this is the last time we will try working on things...that if it doesn't work out this time we both need to go our separate ways. He says I don't deserve what he's done to me...I just don't know what to believe anymore...

It's like I'm living with someone I thought I knew, but he's a stranger to me anymore...

[MrBond]

"He says he is afraid to talk to me because he doesn't want to hurt me, make me cry or mad, and that she is the only one of his "friends" that he could talk to without feeling judged or bad. Since D-day I have been emotional and distant, but still trying to work thru the emotions so I can see his point there. I feel like I'm constantly living in fear."

Blah blah blah. The fact is that he hasn't even made an attempt at working things out with you. He's still self-centered. It's still all about him.

Don't let that get you down. Instead, you have to remember that you have worth and you deserved to have him tell you the truth and be open. You're his W for goodness sake.

Him telling you that he couldn't be open to you, etc. is just another way of blaming you for his problems. You are a person of worth and you should never forget that.

[Kalni]

Yes, what was described in another posters' post is how it should be done. And still, even if it was done that way, NOONE could guarantee that there isnt another email account, another cell, that he doesnt park his car at work and leave with his lovers car.

So, if your H doenst want to do the whole routine as decsribed, you still have (maybe even the same) chances to make it. ALl the above, in my mind, are a way to soothe yourself, to feel safer, NOT to stop your H from seeing/talking to OW. That's something he needs to do because he doesnt want to, not beacuse he cant.
Stay strong

Focus on you, calm down, look through the BS and see where he may have a point or if he doesnt have one at all. Be realistic and decide if you are going to invest in your R or not. Explain in detail how his actions make you feel and ask him to decide how he wants to continue acting. THEN you will decide if you can take that or not. Piecing takes SO much strength and effort. And in my book, in teh beginning, it never is a smooth process.
Stay strong
K

PS I am in piecing since NOV 2009.

[Starsky309]

So, if your H doenst want to do the whole routine as decsribed, you still have (maybe even the same) chances to make it.

Sorry, Kalni, I have to disagree with this. Yes, you can still make it, but it's simply much more DIFFICULT than if you do as many things the right way as possible.

None of this stuff is guaranteed; it is, however, all about MAXIMIZING YOUR CHANCES AT SUCCESS, by applying as much of the effective strategies, tactics and concepts to your situation as possible.


Starsky

[FreeBird0120]

Well after this weekend, I'm still don't feel any better...

Called h yesterday and by the way it rang then beeped I could tell he was on another line. This was at 4:25pm and as soon as he answered he said"hey I'm on the other line talking to mom." This was on his work phone as his personal was dead, so I let him go marking the time in my head. I checked his call records on his phone this morning and he didn't call his mom until 4:54...

I didn't say anything to him about it, but my heart is sinking. This morning he asked how I slept, and I told him I didn't...he knows I've been having the nightmares again since I found out he'd called he again. I told him it was normal, and that I am basically starting my recovery all over again, and he gave me a sad look and hugged me, kissed me and left for work.

I called and asked him not to be upset and he said that it was hard not to be. I said that I really needed his help this time to recover, and he said he'd do anything I needed. I'm just not sure anymore what it is I need, or what we can do to save this...

[Starsky309]

FB,

You might want to double-check the time of a known call (like yours when he clicked over and asked if he could call you back) against those call records. Sometimes the phone provider's server is off (it has been on mine before).

Assuming the times are all legit, then he's lying to you. What are the possible reasons for that? Could be OW, for sure, but also could be something else he chose to keep private from you.

I'm confused, tho -- if you can check to see when he called his mom, why can't you see who it is he was talking to when you called him? I'm missing something.


Starsky

[FreeBird0120]

Thanks Starsky,

I will check again when I get a chance. You are correct, I think in my hyper-vigilance, I'm starting to question everything.

He swears up and down that he hasn't talked to her since I found out, and that he thinks that since he made the initial call, and then didn't answer her calls or call her again that she just may be over it. (Hopefully) If it's something else, I don't know...he has said he's afraid to talk to me, so maybe it's nothing I don't know. I don't know anything anymore ya know??

Since the phone is his work cell, I can only look at the phone log that the phone provides. If he is talking to her, he has the capability to erase the phone calls he doesn't want to to see from the phone. If I was able to obtain the phone records from his office thru Verizon, I could find out, but that's not a possibility, so I only have the phone to look at.

We talked a little bit this morning, and he said I make him sad. He feels bad that I'm hurting so much. I really want to believe this. I really want to believe he just slipped up innocently, and contacted her only to vent or get things off of his chest.

I am starting all over again from square one with less faith then I had the 1st time and it's so hard. I'm a strong woman, but I just don't know how much more I can take.

I obtained a printout for the wayward spouse from Surviving Infidelity that let's the wayward spouse really understand each phase the BS goes through, so I'm thinking of giving it to him to read.

He had offered on Tues. when I found out about their recent conversations that he would be willing to give back the company phone and give me the passwords to our cell phone company so that I could check when I needed to. Nothing has been done yet obviously so I asked if he would still be willing to do that, and he said he would, but that he couldn't do it until August as his job finishes in August and all of the Superintendents and people from other companies have his work #, but that he would do it then. To me it shouldn't be that difficult to give everyone your personal cell #, but whatever.

I feel like walking on egg shells with him and his emotional and mental state as well. I feel like if I bring too much negativity to the plate it will push him away, but negativity just seems to be overwhelming me right now.

Thanks for helping me thru this...if it weren't for you guys here I would have no one!!

[Starsky309]

He had offered on Tues. when I found out about their recent conversations that he would be willing to give back the company phone and give me the passwords to our cell phone company so that I could check when I needed to. Nothing has been done yet obviously so I asked if he would still be willing to do that, and he said he would, but that he couldn't do it until August as his job finishes in August and all of the Superintendents and people from other companies have his work #, but that he would do it then. To me it shouldn't be that difficult to give everyone your personal cell #, but whatever.

No, it's NOT that difficult. Either it (you feeling safe again in the marriage) is a #1 priority to him, or it's not. All YOU can do is say "Look, this is what I need from a husband. Whether or not YOU can provide that, is completely up to YOU" kind of a thing, kwim?

"Where there's a will, there's a way."


Starsky