The long and short of it is..... I ended my marriage in November. We said we'd be friends, it was a shame, it was for the best, etc.
End of Feb he started seeing someone
In beg of March I had a melt down and realized that I may have jumped the gun that we should try to work on this more, he said he thought it was a bit too late, he had signed a lease on an apartment and that he was just now feeling good about himself. He felt that he was coming out of an emotional funk he'd had for years. Perhaps in the future we could go on dates or see if the spark is there but not now.
There was a series of highs and lows always with me confronted with the reality that he was in a relationship. He was choosing that over working on us.
Mid April things began to turn around and I began to just concentrate on our friendship. Last week I had a big smack of reality and am now working on being okay with now. Breaking old ways in which we communicate and interact with each other.
He said I was his best friend and we would always be friends. So here's my rules to be his friend: Friends don't sabotage the others relationship Friends don't flirt with each other. Friends don't sleep with each other. Friends want the best for that person. They're happy for the other's acheivements. Friends aren't jealous of one another. Friends don't have an agenda. Friends don't try to push thier wishes/hopes/dreams/opinions onto that the other A Friend listens more than talks. A friend tries to understand where you're coming from instead of telling you why you're wrong. A friend never says I told you so.
My goals in addition to the 37 rules: 1) Don't tell him your plans for self improvement or GAL 2) Don't look to him for conversation, reassurance, emotional support 3) don't ask for favours 4) if he volunteers say no and really mean it. 5) don't tell him about weight loss (that's looking for reassurance) 6) be bright, fun, breezy, attractive, and just let him notice 7) you're standing for your marriage...but you're not fighting for it so no pursuit
In response to Kaffe:
Quote:
Just because you have accepted what is as what is, does not mean that you can't be open to possibilities...
TRUST me My Best Possible Scenario is us having a better relationship that ever!!
I did get a reply with him saying "Up to you...just don't spend a lot of money on something you'll use twice a year when you can borrow mine" I said "haha don't worry I'll let you know if it's out of my budget" He then texted me his CC info and asked if I could take care of SS cell phone bill because he had no idea how to pay it. I let HIM be the last to text. Silly but I hate replying and not getting a response.
Hi Brit, is he still seeing the person he started to in february? When you initially ended your marriage, did he want to try and work on things? I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you, other than I think you're doing brilliantly, and just wanted to say I really admire you for being able to admit you acted to hastily and are now wanting to make things work.
Yes she is the first person he went on a date with and he's continued to see her. He now describes it as a serious relationship.
It's hard to say. He was convinced nothing was wrong. I think that's pretty typical of the H's of WAW's. I started seeing a IC to get my head together. He said some pretty nasty things about that. I think that was out of insecurity or fear. He just said he respected my decision and never let on that he was upset about it. Said that he wanted the best for me etc. I kept busy, going out, dating, throwing myself into work to convince myself it was the right decision. Later much later after I admitted a change of heart he told me he pretty much cried non stop the entire month of Jan. At Christmas he joked about us just getting back together that it would be easier and I laughed I didn't take him seriously.
I am doing brillantly only because of this board! I am working hard because I want to be a better person and a better partner regardless of what happens.
I just want to offer an adjustment to your addendum rule #4:
4) IF he volunteers for something AND there's no obvious reason for him to volunteer as it was neither a direct request to him for help nor was it an open request to my friend nor the public at large, then I WILL accept his offer and express my thanks and gratitude.
OK, I admit that's a little lengthy...
The point is, let's say your grass is getting long... you have already proven that you are capable of and willing to get it trimmed, either by yourself or by someone else... and it is a habit....
And one day your X decides to offer to mow your lawn...
no silly, I mean the grass on your front lawn...
Then accept that he is simply offering to do something he WANTS to do... and IT IS OK to accept those offers, now and then...
We talk about this in DBing... You don't accept EVERY offer, but it is certainly OK to accept now and then... friends DO that kind of stuff for friends... unconditional love and all that...
Love your new title, Brit!!! I love how you add laughter to the drama..
and love your additions to the 37 rules.
you are doing wonderfully! and helping me just by reading. (thanks!)
((( )))
p.s. if you get a chance can you check out my post last night about the email rom my W. i was wondering if you ever felt those things as a WAW. thank you!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
And one day your X decides to offer to mow your lawn...
no silly, I mean the grass on your front lawn...
Wow, is that an act of service or what!!
Haha. Just stopped in to say that I've enjoyed the discussion about the LLs and thinking about various relationships and dynamics and how they may have changed the dominant LL.
I know that I am stressed about money and bills. It's been two months since he moved out and I am still getting used to the new budget and weighing up the possibility of a move when my lease is up in a few months.
I am dealing with a lot of regret today. I know it's silly. I just look back at when I ended it and feel so horrible for doing so, for not looking for more tools, for being so hard headed. I am consumed with it. I believed that when it was over it was over. I was so hurt and tired. I didn't like myself. I felt rejected, unloved, unwanted. And yet there were times when we really enjoyed each other's company. Event the weekend before I told him it was over. I did really have fun with him.
I'm just so sad today and I don't want to be. I wish I could tell last fall me to read a few books, go to MC (even though he didn't want to), I don't know if he ever has these thoughts. He doesn't talk to me about it.
hey brit... when you are down like this, take what ever time you need to work through those emotions and keep yourself busy...
While I doubt that I have felt the way you are, regarding a R... I can understand how you feel. It took me a long time and a lot of work to understand and know how to live life with no regrets.
But I can tell you that there are at least two people from my past that I had R with and I was the one who chose to end the R. And at those time, I did regret it...
and as time went on, we finally did take time to talk about it...
years and years after the fact...
and with both, we did try to re-engage in an R... and they didn't work...
You MAY have an opportunity in the future to have THAT talk with your X...
As annoyed as an LBS can get when their WAS / X tries to reconnect... I would submit that feeling the LBS has is based in confusion... and fear... fear that they'll get emotionally enmeshed with someone who hurt them...
once bitten, twice shy...
you didn't hurt him... you made a choice regarding the M... he might not see it as a choice, but he really does choose to live in pain or fear, if that is what is going on in him... he chose to be "hurt BY you"...
Based on his continued connection with you... and his expressed fear of re-lapsing... it does sound like he'd be open to what ever type of R the two of you might have over the next while...
Betsey
