This board and you people have saved my life hundreds of times in little and big ways over the past four months since my sitch began. I wanted to tell you how grateful I am for all of you and how much I've learned from you guys. This is my first post but I feel like you're family to me.
In early Feb, H-we have been together 20 years, married 15, no kids, two dogs-said he is looking for his own place. In late Jan., we had talked about how he was never home and that I was unhappy at being left by myself until 9 or 10 every night every night since Oct. We had a discussion that began with me saying, surely you can't be happy either and he responded with the shocker, yes, not happy, I think we're done. We should never have gotten married, I think of you as a friend only.
Of course, I did everything wrong at first until I found this board: pleaded for counselling, suggested we get away to talk, hugging him and telling him ILY. We have in 20 years never been so upset with each we slept apart or walked out on each other in a fight. We began sleeping separately, entirely his choice.
I found MWD and read DB and DR and began detaching and GAL. He was very withdrawn, hated being in the same room as me, very uncomfortable in my presence. I asked whether there was someone else, he denied it.
Over Easter weekend, I found proof that he had brought OW to our weekend home and our house while I was out of town for work. The OW left behind an article of clothing. He admitted an EA, said he felt connected to her, that same day he told me he had found an apartment an hour away near where OW lives and was leaving in six days.
He did. That was one month ago. We have had NC since in person. Corresponded by email over bills and taxes. I don't answer when he asks how I'm doing. I am keeping love in my heart for him and peace in my thoughts. Whether this is depression, MLC, affair addiction, etc. I'm not sure but I do know my peace of mind is crucial to me.
My question that I hope you guys can answer: Since he's been gone, twice in the last two weeks I've been receiving phone calls in the middle of the night. Someone who hangs up once I pick up the phone. During the last 6 weeks H was at home, he would disappear for hours, from 9 in the morning on Sat until past midnight and the same thing on Sun then go to work M to F. I asked whether he was on drugs, he denied it. Said he wasn't seeing OW. Just out walking and thinking.
Given these strange calls and the fact that OW may, imo, have left her clothing there on purpose for me to find, I want the keys to our house back from him. I don't trust who H is now, what new friends he may have made, don't trust OW.
At the same time, when he left, I told him, this will always be his house leaving the road home paved and smooth, as they say. Any thoughts on how to get the keys back and my sense of feeling safe in my own home while at the same time being detached but DB-ing?
You could change the locks and forget about the keys.
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he say and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
It is tempting to just change the locks and forget about the keys. The Gift of Time is a mantra that runs through my head all the time and GAL-like crazy has been super helpful. Just feel finally after three months of him saying he was going to leave that after he did there was peace.
I think about him all the time but so far have not reached out to talk to him and only answer emails he initiates
Since H moved out 04/15, we have not seen or spoken to each other in person, just email exchanges. His 45th birthday is coming up 05/28. Should I send a birthday card? What would you recommend it say if I was to send a card? Really struggling with whether sending a birthday card would undermine all the space and time and distance he obviously was desperate to get.
And another new wrinkle. H moved out 04/15 and no person-to-person talk since, just a few emails. Today, on the one month anniversary, I get an email. Hello *nickname How are you doing? Anything I need to do for you? Let me know.
Is it worth responding? I think I must respond in some ways but my initial temptation is to say, yes there is something you can do, get your head out of your ass and deal with our issues instead of moving to an apartment an hour away.
But I know this is a big DB-ing no-no. My 180 is to not respond right away but at some point I know I should. Please give me your thoughts.
I'm not very experienced in these issues, but here's my take:
Who are you planning to send a card as?
- His wife? He does not want to be married to you ATM, so that's out
- His friend? Do you think he considers you a friend (I know you mentioned this, but maybe you should ask yourself, anyway). Do you consider him a friend?
Also, he might see it as pursuing behaviour
Me 33, H 34 T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch) M 4 DD 3 OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010
1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea) OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11) I moved out 3/12/11
I think Toni put it perfectly. He isn't acting like a friend to you so don't be friends to him.
I think we're too nice for our own good sometimes. These events come up and the "polite" thing to do is to honor them.
Behaviour for both parties during a split can be strange. I would wake up way early before H and just sit in the living room. I listened to dance music on repeat (sometimes the same song) while I got ready for work. I was pulling away and was worried about what I'd do if he tried to cuddle in the morning. He started going for runs in the morning. (unheard of) drinking (crazy talk) none of this meant we were on drugs.
You were both unhappy. I suggest adding to your reading list How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about it. I've started that and it's really insightful.
Someone said here that if there's an OW in the picture you aren't even at the starting line and they're right. So just continue NC for YOU. It's for you to not feel vulnerable, to limit the times he can hurt or disappoint you, to gain back your emotional stability, to focus on you and not him, to stop thinking and analysing, and limiting what you know about his activities.
Read any and all threads on here that are similar to yours, I got a lot of insight that way. Use this thread to vent and people will tell you if your thought process is helpful or if you're being too hard on yourself.
He was a big part of your life for a very long time. So many things are changing. Give yourself a break while you're adjusting to all this change, and keep your head up. Take care of you even something small like a bubble bath can make you feel good.
Good answers Brit45 and tonibertha. Read both DR and DB and How to Improve... You're right absolutely that the last thing I want is to be pursuing. This last month has been tough and I don't want to un-do any of the good that has/may have come out of giving him space.
Thanks for your insights. It has helped beyond words to know there are folks out there who have gone through the same thing and I can benefit from what you've learned.
I agree with Cadet and Toni: change the locks and have a spare set of keys handy. My sitch went to D. My L advised that I could not keep XW from removing her personal property or locked out of the house as we owned it jointly. That said I could secure my possessions and house if I reasonably believed these things were in jeopardy. It took a while, but eventually the locks were changed.
Peace of mind achieved. The spare set still stands by if needed.
No card for all the reasons Toni outlines. I know from new person’s POV that can seem harsh and counter intuitive. From my POV I can see no good reason and you may find yourself with expectations associated with the gift.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Absorbed a lot of what you have all advised. WIll not be contacting H for his birthday. My friend said she's going to bake a cake and she's going to bring it over and we'll celebrate me not calling him.
Over the past week, he's been emailing me more frequently. He asked me if I had gone out to our weekend home--I was there by myself with the dogs on Easter long weekend when I discovered first hand proof of the OW--since then neither of us have been up there, as far as I know. He said he may go up there this past weekend to check on the place. I worried he may have once again brought the secretary (yes, she's a secretary at his firm, what a cliche!) but I realized it was not for me to worry about.
Still haven't talked in person or by phone. I try not to think about that too much. A friend suggested that every time I thought about H, I should make a note of it and it would make me aware of how often in the day I thought of him. It works.
Oh, and figured out that instead of asking him for his key back and instead of the expense of getting the locks changed, I should just go get the lock re-keyed. Don't know why I didn't think of that sooner. As Homer would say Doh!
