What do I do next? Part 4

[luvhurts49]

Previous thread.

Ok, so I see how I could possibly be seeing my M through rose-colored glasses and I can see that my memories of our history may have been better than reality, but I think everybody does that to some extent.

It's very hard for me to envision that my W's new personality is a permanent one, but I do have to face that possibility. I don't like it, but it is possible that this is who she is now.

Any positive reaction that she has ever shown are long gone. When I see her, there aren't any smiles, no twinkle in her eye, and barely any words. I continue to fake my smile and keep the attention on our kids, but it kills me not to wonder what is going on inside of her.

I miss us asking each other out to dinner or to go to the parks with the kids. I miss the car rides together. Hell, I miss seeing her smile at me or even laughing at one of my jokes.

This is who she is now and it kills me to think that. How someone so caring and loving, the most gentle and warm person I've ever known could have ever become the woman that is here now? I miss the woman I fell in love with, the woman I had two kids with, the woman that I eventually married. I miss the woman who stole my heart.

[tonibertha]

what do you miss about the old YOU? I'm no expert, but perhaps you should give it some thot

[Accuray]

Luvhurts,

You need to try to snap out of this -- the yearning is tearing you apart.

Accuray

[Valeska19]

Luv,
I understand your pain. We all do.

I second Accuray.

Envision what makes a happy LUV. What makes you laugh until you cry, what brings joy in your life.

Create those moments. Set those goals.

You need to do this for your children. You need to do this for yourself.

Right now don't think about the "end" or "final" goal. Just work on putting one foot in front of the other....

..and eventually you will get to a place of peace.

((( )))

[luvhurts49]

@Accuray, you're right, the yearning does tear me apart, but so does the things that my kids are going through. I'm not looking at my W and trying to see things better than what they were, but just giving myself the notion that I COULD have been doing so.

I don't look back and regret many things in my life. I made the best decisions that I thought I could at the time and I have to live with them. The same goes for my W. If this is who my W is now, then that's who she is. I can't change that. I feel sorry for her and I feel sad for my kids, but there isn't anything I can do to change it. I just keep putting on my fake smile, enjoy the time that I can with my kids, and continue to try and move forward.

Now as far as me and what I miss about myself...not much. My life was my M. My best friend was my W. I'll be honest, the old me (20 years ago) was and a$$hole. I'm not that way anymore and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not afraid to cry, I'm not afraid to show people how I feel, and I'm sure and hell not afraid to stand up and fight for what I deserve.

The old me...doesn't exist anymore. I know I have to find out who I am without my W and that has been really hard. I keep going day after day without knowing where I'll end up. I don't know what else to do, so I just keep moving one way or another...I have to, for me and my kids.

[Accuray]

Meeting new people is really going to help. You seem hesitant to do so, and I can understand the inertia. At some point you need to take a leap of faith there and find some way to make some new friends. That could be through taking a class, volunteering, getting a new job, moving to a new house or apartment, joining meetup, or thinking about dating. There are a range of options, and many of them don't cost anything but your time and your willingness to put yourself out there a little.

When you start to get traction, you'll feel MUCH better, and that will rub off on your kids, and I'm sure they could use that from you right now. If you can't bring yourself to do it for YOU, then do it for them.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

I get what you're saying Accuray and I have re-connected with some friends I had from years ago. Trying to find someone to do things with (as friends) is hard because everyone has their own lives too. I don't have time to volunteer or take a class. Economy has made it hard for me to switch jobs and I'm trying to keep my house, so moving is out of the question. Oh and I live is a smallish town so meetup (yes, I looked into it) is pretty much non-existent unless I want to join a book club (not gonna happen). Dating is one of those things that I just cannot do and I don't know if I will ever be in a place to even want to. Part of me believes that if I can't be with my W, then I won't be with anyone.

Anytime I think that I've taken a step forward, something keeps pulling my two steps back. I don't always know what that is, but I'm sure it always leads back to my W. I do want to be happy and I'm trying to make that happen, but it just hasn't happened for me yet.

[Accuray]

You've got to do something -- what CAN you do? Can you start a meetup? Why can't you join a book group? Church activities?

You shot down my suggestions, what do you have on your list?

Accuray

[vera be fierce]

Friday night bowling league? Even small towns have those, right?

[luvhurts49]

I just wanted to go on record and say that even Mother's Day [censored] without your wife and kids. Didn't think that it would have affected me as much as say X-Mas or Valentine's Day...WRONG!! Effected me just as bad.

My W told me not to get her anything for Mother's Day because she said that she wasn't my mother and that it wouldn't be appreciated in the way that I wanted, but I had already placed an order to have flowers delivered and I couldn't cancel it. So I guess on the flip side, she did thank me for them and told me that they were very pretty and even got a hug out of it. I really wasn't expecting that, but I did tell her that I meant them and that I love her very much. She responded with a simple "I know you do", which stings a little, but I guess it's better than saying nothing at all.