I am new to the divorce busting site, although have been reading for a long time. Also have been thru divorce several years ago after long term marriage.
I believe your possible letter to husband, is way, way too long. Too much to read., and I think it will just irritate him.
I agree that you should just say,"it doesn't work for me" and let the lawyers handle it.
I agree with busto. The letter is very, very long. You explicitly state that you are doing it to teach H a lesson of what the process will involve. You need to let the process teach H the lesson. All of that stuff in there detailing the process should come from his L, not you. In some other older threads, vets mentioned leaving all of the D stuff to the Ls, so it keeps it separate from your R while you continue DB'ing, being upbeat and approachable, etc. This letter is the opposite of upbeat and approachable.
Don't apologize for your situation in the letter, either. That's pursuing again.
Thanks for your feedback. Message is clear: I need to stop trying to teach H what to do - setting myself up for resistance and resentment from him.
Also have to stop pursuing. Thought this might be my last chance to tell him I still don't want this to happen and that, even at this late stage, I would still be open to us trying something different but, he probably knows this anyway.
Although, he is so insecure, I sometimes think he believes I have done with him because he is so unworthy anyway.
So, I will tell him: "Thanks for working on the settlement stuff; it's been weighing on my mind too. I do not know about how the assets should be split but I have heard of a reputable mediator and going down this path would not cost as much as going straight to lawyers. Please let me know if you would consider using a mediator and we can get things moving."
I really appreciate the opportunity to get a different perspective from you guys. As you can see, I am not yet in a place where I am making good decisions in interacting with H. I didn't think I was being condescending or 'holier than thou' (just trying to set out what was needed for us to make some progress towards a financial settlement - and, I admit, 'scare ' H with a dose of reality in the process) so I have been saved, again, by these boards.
Thanks for giving me great advice. It does feel good though to have that out of my system. With me, it's always a case of 'the less said the better', and I need to keep reminding myself not to lecture H and my kids.
I do have a lawyer, but I'm afraid that I can't continue to pay her. For 2 consults already - and advice from her that H proceeded to absolutely ignore - I was up for a huge amount of money that my parents offered to pay. Don't see how I can go down that route for long, but then again, neither will my H be able to, I suppose.
And on the topic of root canal - you were right about that, too!
I had it done yesterday, and it didn't hurt a bit.
Last time was some years ago now (and, so, equipment more basic) but also I think, last time, my tooth was not dead and so when the reaming devices were jammed up and down in the root canal, the open nerve was being prodded. It was torture! No probs at all now apart from a bit of residual aching and tenderness in my jaw. Yay for small mercies...
Got overwhelmed by a feeling that i was really on the verge of madness today.
H has been here (Sunday afternoon) helping the kids with homework. I made myself scarce after giving him a cup of tea and chatting briefly - as I would to any visiting acquaintance.
As I worked in the back of the house i could hear the kids and H laughing gleefully and having a great time. We had a great conversation ourselves and everything seemed so nice.
Then, after he'd left, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
He's gone, my loving husband and the father of our kids has deserted us - and he's not coming back...
And i still can't get my he'd around it and i think I might be on the verge of madness trying to deal with this situation in which there seems to be no explanation for why he is doing this.
It still seems so incongruous. It's just not him, not my H.
Everything seems so good, so normal and yet... he is gone.
I'm afraid I'll lose my mind. I can't seem to snap out of this denial. I don't think it's just a matter of detaching - i have been getting more and more successful at detaching emotionally from the hurtful things he's done.
The feeling of disbelief/denial is different. I just can't really grasp that this is actually happening to me. I think I might go on forever thinking that it's just a matter of time before he comes back to us.
And i still can't get my he'd around it and i think I might be on the verge of madness trying to deal with this situation in which there seems to be no explanation for why he is doing this.
Stop trying to figure it out. That's what's driving you "mad."
I posted this on another thread and it subsequently got buried.
I've learned to cope, because one simply has to.
This story may or may not help you.
Some time ago, my XW made some life choices, which caused me great pain and anguish.
But this was not her intent. It was not about me.
She was trying, in a way, to escape her own pain and anguish.
I have to accept that although she knew the consequences to me, it was something she just had to do.
Any damage to me was, for lack of a better term, "collateral damage."
Can you see how a WAS may not be hell bent on inflicting pain on you?
We as LBS'ers have to move "ourselves" forward from the mess for our own good.
God Speed. Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
NLW, so happy your root canal experience was better than you expected. I know I was rally dreading it and was so happy with the outcome.
About the going mad thing, I have those moments but they're brief. I'll be at work and life will seem very normal and I'll get that thought of him and that he's gone, how could that be? And he's never coming back? How could that be?
That's what I choose to believe right now, that he's never coming back.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
[ I've learned to cope, because one simply has to.
This story may or may not help you.
Some time ago, my XW made some life choices, which caused me great pain and anguish.
But this was not her intent. It was not about me.
She was trying, in a way, to escape her own pain and anguish.
I have to accept that although she knew the consequences to me, it was something she just had to do.
Any damage to me was, for lack of a better term, "collateral damage."
Can you see how a WAS may not be hell bent on inflicting pain on you?
We as LBS'ers have to move "ourselves" forward from the mess for our own good.
Hi Pic,
Thanks for looking in. You are so right about learning to cope because you just have to. My friends at work who know about my sitch keep saying they don't know how I can keep going.
All I can say to them is that i don't really have a choice. I've got 2 kids and money to find. I don't really have any other option but to keep on going.
I also know what you're saying about our WASs' stuff not being about us - to some extent. In my case however, I think I am not just collateral damage, as it were. There is an element of punishment in my H's behaviour, particularly when it comes to financials. I am def the 'bad guy' in his eyes (most of the time).
I am still trying to move myself forward from the mess, but sometimes, I have a crisis that makes me feel paralysed,
Reading feedback like yours helps me get back on track. Without it, I'd probably still be ruminating and stuck. So, thank you.
