"It's different this time. I know myself better. It's not like then." Well when I look at the pieces it's exactly the same.
Hi. I'm in a lot of pain. I just needed somewhere to vent thank you. As you can see from this thread I'm not new. Somewhere along the line we dropped the working on it part.
What's crazy and difficult to me is that I can't let go. It's been less than a week so perhaps it won't be so difficult for me this time. But as days go by It's been getting harder.
As things revealed themselves to me I didn't put up very much resistance. Some for sure, but not a whole lot. And I did do the whole "I love you..." thing. But when I thought we...Oh I'm such an idiot. We'd agreed to split. I couldn't handle this one more time. I was delusional (it has always happened this way for us) however because somewhere in my mind this was going to be amicable. Maybe we'd work it out. When she went out to mingle around OM after work instead of coming home to help me it was clear that it wasn't going to be amicable for me. Prior to that OM was just a "someone who showed interest." I lost my mind but not completely.
I told her she made me feel worthless, that all of this time we'd spent together now felt worthless. It does.
I realize I've created a situation that punishes me in my most vulnerable place. I really don't know how to handle that. Other than the do nothing, sit on it, take care of yourself program.
I've only since seen her to pick up what I'd hoped would be the last of my stuff. It's only been days. I've been a model of the last resort technique since the big day.
I'm writing because I'm bothered that I would want her back at all. I wanted out too right? This is sick.
We split two weeks ago and I’ve not contacted her since. I’m feeling anxious however because I believe the reason we split is because of her addiction and obsession with a new love interest. If it’s not that person it will be another. I believe she’s a sex and love addict and sexualizes her pain and looks for someone to fix her. She’s been in treatment for it before, but we both let that lapse a few years ago.
Things had been going downhill for a while and I’d convinced myself that I wanted out too. I didn’t make a huge fuss when I left. I was prompted to leave quickly when she brought up that there was another person she was finding herself interested in. I couldn’t go through that again. I’ve been here before, and can’t compete. I left immediately.
Splitting has been terrific in some way’s I can look back and see our relationship patterns pretty clearly. I can see how I used manipulation, I played the victim, and I blamed her. I manipulated to try and feel loved by her. I can see how I needed to take care of my own needs as an adult instead of as a child. I’ve really made huge mistakes.
My problem today is that I want to stop her. I want her to snap out of it. I want to write or call and say look this is what happened last time. Here’s what I see. Here’s how the pattern is the same. Do you see what you’re doing?
But I don’t know if that’s OK. As I’ve said I’ve not been in contact. Regardless of what happens I have to move on. If we end up coming back together I’ll be in a better place. I feel I am making good progress. But I don’t know if it’s best to just let her act out and do her thing and let her figure it out, or to put it in front of her face: “You’re hurting me and destroying something that has been an important to you. You’ve been here before many times. It’s never worked. It’s not the right person that’s going to fix you. It’s you that has got to fix yourself. You decided that on your own once. This is a relapse.”
This could be more of the same. Me trying to fix things and her avoiding. She may remain in denial about it if I do this and it may only serve to push her away further. Or it could help her see that she’s repeating a cycle, that we’re repeating a pattern, that there’s a better, healthier way separated or not.
I’d also really like to explain myself, apologize for my actions, and recognize where she tried to make things work. Or I stay dark leave it alone and let her come to it on her own.
