Hello . This website has really been an inspiration. Although I feel as if I am the only one putting sincere effort into saving my marriage. I married for almost seven years and have three young children. About a year and half ago, my marital crisis began by my husband checking out and completely withdrawing from me. We had our issues, nothing big. He hated my carelessness and not being organized. he hated my trust issues- what wife would like her husband going out to bars with friends on Saturday nights. It wasnt that often- but he never knew what an emotional conection is. He is a classic avoidant. he yearns connection but doesnt know how too. He was very different in our courtship- but doesnt know what to do to sustain a long term marriage. Anyway - sorry about the long post. We have gone through some counseling not a lot- but he is still at the point of not being able to get over the past. As if I killed him! I have now purchased 3 sessions with a DB coach. He doesnt know he would kill me! Everyone thinks he is not for me- very critical, cold , verbally abusive. Am i living in denial that I stil feel something when it seems so hopeless? Although what drew us together ( after our first marriages) - was probably my fear of being alone- I love him still despite this year and half of hell. Can I salvage this??
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I'm sorry you are in the middle of turmoil, and especially with three small children. I can imagine that with your situation you would not be happy with his behavior.
You are asking specifically about The Last Resort Technique. Do you have Divorce Remedy, or are you asking because you are familiar with the website?
Your last question is easy...can you salvage this...the answer is 'most likely--yes'...especially if that is your 'position'.
You have purchased three sessions with your DB Coach--who will give you advice that trumps what you see on the board.
Rather than advise you about the LRT (because I'm not sure you're there)....I would rather advise you about how to get the MOST from your DB sessions and this board.
Know what you want. What is your goal--a vague idea is--to save your marriage, to get your husband back. A better way to get recommendations from your coach is to have made notes for yourself about:
What was your relationship like when it was good and you were both happy? That means...what were you both DOING?
What changed (besides 'having' kids)? HOW did it change...what did you DO differently?
You might notice with these answers you begin to take action yourself that starts to work (or doesn't).... SHARE THAT with your coach.
Starting here helps you get the BIGGEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK with your coach.
When you say what you want, don't say, I need shoes. Say I need blue suede shoes, size 6.5 wide with 3 inch heels, if that's what you really want.
Be that specific with your coach:
Don't choose my words, but YOUR version of:
I would like him to watch a TV show with me after the kids go to bed.
I would like him to take me out to dinner every two weeks, and alternate choosing the restaurant.
We often want...MORE LOVE. We often want our partner back. But we want them back to get these little details that we define as love or make us feel loved. Don't start with the big picture..start with the little picture.
To go a longer way to solving the problem yourself:
HOW WOULD YOUR HUSBAND respond if HE were the one going to the coach....in other words....what makes him feel loved, happy, special....
INSTEAD OF DIAGNOSING HIM as a 'classic avoidant'.... .LOOK/LISTEN to understand what it takes to make him happy. However his disposition is, his love for you isn't going to change who he is. Most people are more likely to respond in loving ways when their own needs are being met.
Thanks for your reply dbmod. it hurts so much to live with someone like a roomate. When he is with me - I feel so unwwanted. Although he says he doesnt want out- he is trying to work on himself in his own therapy. Question is- how long to wait? I havent been touched in almost a year ( and I think Im pretty cute and loveable). But maybe thats thebproblem- need to refocus. Work on me. My parents and family all feel as if I am hanging on because of my fears. But why do I have to be potentially divorced to overcome that fear? I am in therapy and so is he. So confused. Not even sure that the DB sessions will work....
Sometimes therapy gets you further from your goals. DB coaches are different (I am not encouraged in any way to promote the DB coaches--in fact I've been discouraged at times, because this board is a free site, and my role is to help others) -- but I know their skills and their perspective.
Their skills: appropriate degrees, and longtime careers counseling; longtime marriages;
Their perspective: commitment to marriage; DB training; and commitment to SHORT TERM help; They want to 'cut you loose' to help yourself.
The sessions won't work. The sessions can help you. YOU have to do the work. Your marriage is the coach's client.
You can do this.
I want to tell you, even if you have things to work on, it's not like the upset in your marriage is your fault. It isn't. It takes two. It's just that YOU are the one interested in improvement at this time.
I get so upset when i think of breaking the family.how do i get someone with fears of intimacy to realize and actually open up.instead of focusing on the core issues in therapy he tells me he talkabout divorce.but when i say what do u wanthe is always ambivalent.one day he wants to be married,the next he doesnt know if this can be repaired.i believe it can with hard work not sure he can do that. Am i a fool here?
I am so sad today. Trying to focus on me- it is so hard. Hubby came to me yesterday and said he had a very emotional weekend. He took all three kids to his parents. It must have been tough. I just am so hopeless.
