I was wondering if you could give me some of your wisdom on how you worked on your M after your H moved so far away? My H moved 4000 miles away left the kids even. I don't know if I should be talking to him when he calls or if I should just pass the phone to the kids? I am really lost as to what direction to turn and feel like this is it. He is with OW and from what I saw this am seem happy as larry. Any help you can give me would be great.
Find one of her posts, click on her name and then go all the way back to her first posts.
If you want to find topics created you need to, you can click on one of the posts on the the page and click on that, you can then click on Topics Created.
Good Luck!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks. I appreciate it. I know she gives great advice and her H moved far away also. Just wondering how I can show him I have changed if he never sees me?
Thanks. I appreciate it. I know she gives great advice and her H moved far away also. Just wondering how I can show him I have changed if he never sees me?
Well... do you believe you have truly changed?
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
IMHO one of the most important things that 25yearsmlc did was to stop thinking about her H and take care of herself. She got to the point where she realized that no matter what happened, she would be okay.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
as others have so succinctly stated, when h moved away, I did not expect us to reconcile. I mean, I was giving us a "10% chance" b/c deep down maybe I wondered how he could not ache for our kids if not also for me.
But I had to look at his actions, which included moving away, without us. He claimed we'd "join him later" but that was his public position to he didn't have to admit leaving his family for an "adventure job" b/c that was too cliched and probably unstable.
Like it or not, I was a single parent.
I did not then have a lot of financial concerns so that may be a difference for you. I mean, I knew our oldest d had 2 years of high school left, and felt that I could stay legally separated (which protected marital assets in case h decided to mortgage/invest with his heroes on the tundra)
til she finished high school. If finances were a more immediate concern I'd have had to deal with that.
So I GAL-big time. That made me happy and more interesting and I met a lot of new people, all of whom made me feel happier about my life.
I assume that happiness radiated. I also really believed that no matter what my h was doing, if he truly didn't miss our kids or me, he wasn't the man I thought he was and he could stay out of our lives then.
but if he DID miss them, or me, at some point the good memories would resurface. (Look to the holidays this year, or next, for that to begin a few rumbles).
Guess I mean I felt like h lost way more than me. At some point, he started thinking that too. It makes a difference.
IF I thought he was going to call, there were times I was too angry to talk with him..and if my only choice then was to lose my temper, I didn't talk with him.
So I learned to do some calming exercises before I thought he'd call. BTW my kids were not thrilled chatting with their missing daddy, btw. So their conversations were short lived, which you may find you get blamed for.
Anyhow, when I was able to speak with him, thanks to Vernetta, my DB coach, I learned to TRY and do what she said.
1) applaud loudly for the 1% of things he does/says that are positive
2) listen like a lover---gross, I know. But she means if he wants to talk about work, LISTEN and support. Same for talk about the kids b/c those children do bond you.
3) Give him something to miss. Like the home run that your son hit, or the dance recital d had, or the latest boyfriend/girlfriend news of the kids...include him in a way that makes him realize their lives are moving on with or without him AND HE IS THE ONE MISSING OUT...
No one misses a sad or angry person...sorry, but it's true. They'll FLEE the source of the guilt.
4) Show him NO anger...it never helps. NEVER...it only validates why he left. Do not fuel his negatives.
Since I don't remember his other complaints, I can't tell you what other 180s to do.
Hope this helps.
Focus on you and creating a life that is good for the kids.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
