What if?

[irishblessings]

I have been trying to read up on the posts but really haven't taken the time to post anything myself.

I was wondering....what if the MLC'r NEVER expresses any regret. What if they really believe their new relationships are the "best" ones for them? Does that validate their actions? I guess I am asking because I was with this person for 30 years and I absolutely TRULY believed we were best friends and a great couple. And I don't think I am delusional. Now that he has "moved on" - 2 years later - he NEVER acts or expresses any remorse or regret. What am I missing here?

[kml]

Irish - 2 years is a pretty short timeline. I've heard of WASs coming back and expressing their regret 20 years later.

Plus - some of them HAVE to make it look good with their new love, because they can't stand the idea of being a "bad guy", so only "true love" is a good enough excuse for their behavior.


Don't sit around holding your breath, you have no idea how long it might take. If you believe most of your years together were good, they probably were.

[beatrice]

IB I agree with kml. Two years is nothing in MLC terms.

But how could the mere passage of time validate the appalling behaviour of these people? To lie, cheat steal and disown your family is not normal. No-one is saying that someone has to stay in a relationship with someone they do not love, but it is the manner of their leaving and their subsequent behaviour that is so screwy.

If you or I had genuinely met and wanted to be with someone we found we really loved [which begs the question of why we were out there looking!] But if we had, we would have done everything to try and ease the pain of all those around us.

and how could you act as if your kids really didn't matter at all? It is actions that we need to watch, and worry less about the words. He may or may not regret it, but anyone normal would be feeling deep sadness and remorse for the hurt they caused - and they would say so. It still would not validate the actions though.

They are buying their happiness at a great cost, bigger than they have any inkling of.

[job]

IB,
I agree with KML and Bea. Two years is an extremely short period of time and your xh may not express remorse for a very long time, if ever. Some won't do it until they are at death's door. My xh has been nuts since approximately 1997 and I haven't heard any remorse in the way he ripped through my life. I'm not holding my breath that he ever will. Some of these people are just too proud to admit that they screwed up and others fear that we will reject their apologies, others figure it's been such a long time and we have moved on that in their minds it is "what's the use", etc.

The best thing that you can do is live your life to the fullest and if your xh should ever want to speak to you about it, that is when you can make the decision as to whether or not you want to hear what he has to say.

[dl443322]

IB, I've been wondering how you were.

I agree with the others. To admit regret would be an extremely difficult thing for them to do. They have to block out all that they have done and in their present state, that would be near impossible.

But more importantly, IB, you know in your heart about your memories and your marriage. Don't allow his crisis to soil
them.

[seeking answers]

IB,

I don't know about your XH, but my H has a lot of pride...

The way he took off out of here spouting that he deserved some happiness before he died and how ow was perfect and that would never change. Well, I don't ever expect to hear about any regret or remorse.

I believe that even if he did have any, he would svck it up until he exploded rather than admit regret or remorse.

[AJM]

Remorse? Regret? After blaming everything on you?
If you believed half of what he said, would you not think it was the "right" thing to do to leave?

Now to be serious. Whether or not they have regrets or remorse, is not the same as them showing it to you. Mine has gone so far as to say she won't ever apologize for her behavior. But the others are right. Regardless of your reasons for leaving, there is NO excuse for your subsequent behavior toward those you left. None.

Your 30 years together were not a lie. It may feel that way now, but it wasn't. Those were real years. Real happiness. Real love. His actions and his choices indicate a deeper issue and one that only he can deal with.

Many will never admit remorse or guilt or anything else. Those that know them can often see it anyway. Those that don't (the new friends) figure that's normal behavior for them.



AJ

[Kimmerz]

Hi IB,

I've been wondering about you too. Interestingly enough your topic is something that's been on my mind and I've been trying to figure it out as I go along.

In my opinion if someone wants to leave a marriage because they don't love that person in the way that they do someone else or feel that that should love their spouse, their actions in leaving would be different, especially after being in a long term relationship and marriage, and such a long history together. Come on, the other deserves an honest and open explanation, not lies, deceit, blame and ultimate avoidance.

I agree with Bea...it's in the manner of how they left and the excuses that we were given (remember it's all our fault!) that we need to pay attention to. Their actions are suddenly mean and intentional. All that matters is them, no one else. And hence we must remember it's all about them...we really don't have anything to do with this, but they make it that way.

I've changed my perspective on MLC given that when I was 18-25 years old, my frame of mind wasn't all that much different. Personally I remember going through this sort of thing at this age. So to an extent I can identify what they're going through.

Lets say that we were back at ages 18-25 and this started happening with our spouses or lets say back then boyfriends or girlfriends. yes painful, but as devastating? Not too sure.

[irishblessings]

This is why this forum has been a Godsend! As you get further away from the events you know you are getting better but there still are these fragile moments where you need perspective, support, friendship! Thank you all so much! I absolutely AM better - but the gnawing doubts and overthinking remains.

Have a great week!

[ericmsant2]

IB

First what everyone else said.

It has been almost 3 years and my XW has yet to apologize for anything.

My hope and prayer for you is that you get to a place where it really does not matter if they do or do not.

Live for you IB! For you.....

Karma is a b*tch and at somepoint your H will come to relaize what he did (that is my opionion). He may never say it but guess what instead of focus on the negatives of what happened...take a look and admire the new IB. YOu have come a long way.

As for overthinking.....when you really live for you, when you start to chase YOUR dreams....you may not think to much about him.