He asked for divorce after coming back from Iraq..

[A&J2009]

Hello everyone. I got to this forum by accident and I’m so happy I found it. I’ve been reading your life stories and it helps me to cope with my situation every day for the last month. I wanted to write my own here but at the same time I’ve been trying to keep my mind of my problem and not focus on it but I figured in order to share it with you and get your precious advices I need to put my guts together and write it down from the beginning.
I’m Russian and I live where it is cold, mob, bears and vodka and all that stuff, so you understand where I am right now. yeah, pretty far from where most of you are:( and from my H (so excuse me my typos and mistakes, english is not my native language). I met H 3 years ago on FB after breaking long and painful previous relationships for both of us (his and my ex were cheating). He was 22 at that time and I was 24, it was his third year in Marine Corps, he got back from deployment and was hanging out at the base in California. We started talking a lot, it was like love at first letterJ I know it sounds immature but it felt like it, we were talking everyday on skype for 4 or 5 hours, trying to know every little detail about each other. I knew from then that I’ll be waiting for him and I did, I refused to go to the US first, I wanted him to come to russia and meet my family and after 5 months of our relationships on distance he came to me, it was like a fairytale, even after three years I think about it and have a smile on my face. We got married on december 30th, my birthday. My parents and my sister were at the wedding, and his family was upset they couldn’t be at the wedding. after it he had to go back to the states and continued his service and I started doing the papers, it took us almost a year to get the wife visa done for me to actually come to him,
I don’t even know how we afforded him flying to me to russia 4 time the same year and still being in Marine Corps. But all this time we were writing letters to each other throughout the day to let each other know we’re always there and thinking of each other. I was getting ready for work next to web camera watching him go to sleep (cause of the time difference, my day was his night), and then vice verse. Even that I could be with him for a couple of weeks every three months I was the happiest woman on earth, I’ve never gotten so much love from any man. I couldn’t stop smiling. Then finally everything was done and I flew to Los Angeles, he got a beautiful apartment for us in Lanuga Niguel away from base and marines. He didn’t have much work to do at that time and we were just enjoying ourselves, we lived there for 6 months, I can honestly say there were the happiest 6 months in my life. We had a couple of fights but like every other couple that starts to live together, getting used to each other, me complaining once in a while that he played to much video games. We started worrying what to do closer to the end of summer cause his contract with marine corps was almost over and he had no clue what to do next. We were applying for every security job but it turned out to be harder than we thought. He got offered a contract to iraq as a private contractor with one of the best companies and he was so proud of it but it meant another 4 or 5 months away from each other, I didn’t like it at all, I was freaking out but at the end I accepted it cause we no other options. We moved to Illinois to his parents for a month before him going to iraq and me going back to my family in russia, and thats when our first big fights started.
Before meeting his parents he told me that they were awkward and close minded that him and his ex had a lot of problems when he brought her home, but I thought I would just be nice and try to show them how much their son means to me and I care about him and they will accept me. But I never knew that my H would be much bigger issue than his parents. Yes he was right, his parents didn’t accept me very nice, well I’m russian, for their town of 5 000 people in the middle of illinois is like little zoo monkey that you stare at but don’t touch, but I appreciated that they let us stay in their house, with a little pomeranian puppy that we had with us. I understood that my H wanted to spend time with his family but I didn’t think that he would act like i’m not part of his family, like no matter what I was doing I was constantly bothering him. He was mad at me all the time, told me that I was complaining and nagging and that all of a sudden I was driving him crazy. I think it's natural that in the town and the house where you don’t know anyone you rely on your H only at the beginning But at a certain point he told me he wanted to spend time just with his family. i was devastated, I’m his family too now, i’m his wife! he stayed at my family house three times and I never told him leave early I want to spend time just with my family. we went to 4 day Rendezvous, I’ve never gone camping before in my life, and here for 4 days 5 people sleep in the same tent In the middle of the summer with 120 degrees out. I was holding myself together for him, trying to show that it's important for him and I can do it, but the second day I felt that I had a heat stroke and when his mom came to pick his little brother home I asked H to take me home so I could take cold shower and sleep in the bed and come back next morning, he said - if you feel sick my mom will take you home and will take care of you, but this camping is a family tradition and that he had missed the last 4 and not planning on going anywhere. I was literally begging him to take me home and that his mom doesn’t have to take care of me, but he refused to talk in private and he yelled at me and said that I had never done anything hard in my life( sorry I’ve never joined marine corps, he has no pity for any pain that you feel, he thinks that if he can handle it that it's bearable and you can handle it too) and if I want to know if he was wrong we should discuss it with his parents!! Like we’re 15! And like I don’t know who they are going to protect.as a thought his father started yelling at me that it’s a family tradition and you’re taking him away from us, and I was standing and crying and didn’t know how to explain to three grown up people that I’m gonna faint in 10 minutes and I just want my H to take me home. At the end he yelled fine, but he’s not gonna come back to the camp tomorrow and will go to iraq 2 weeks earlier because that’s what I want to take him away from his family. of course the next day we came back to the camp and he acted like nothing happened but no one talked to me:( and he made me apologize to his dad that I was feeling sick and asked his son to take me home. My H said he would never forgive me for taking him from there and he never did. He would put it in every fight. every time we fight he brings all the bad stuff about me he can think of.

Later he went to Iraq and I came back to Russia, everything seemed to get back to our normal routine. He was working there, and I was worrying about him all the time,writing each other,talking on skype, he would go dark for 3 days for some work and then come back quiet and depressive and hardly talked to me, I knew that something was bothering him, but I never thought I had a right to ask. I just offered if he wanted to share smth with me I would listen to him, but he never did. It happened several times. He just kept saying - I want to get out of this place, cant take it anymore. 4 months later he came back home to his parents from iraq, and we decided that before he gets another job he will come to russia for 3 months, it will be cheaper and I’ll be working and he’s gonna get some rest after the deployment. I know I made a mistake that I started pushing him to getting his russian visa done 2 or 3 days right after getting back. He tried to explain that he just got back from iraq and he's trying to adjust to civilian life and he doesn’t have a car there and he needs to take his family cars and they are all at work all the time, but I missed him so much I didn’t want to wait another month till visa gets done. And I couldn’t even understand what it was like to spend 4 months in iraq and come back to everything normal again. I admit that I was nagging.

H came to me two weeks later, we had have a couple of big fights over the phone before that and when he got to me he was still kinda upset, but everything got better in a couple of days. We were living with my parents and they absolutely loved him. I was working full time 5 days a week and was pretty stressed out at work, first month everything was good but I could see something was wrong with him, he was very quiet, he could just sit in the room and not even get outside all day, just sit and play video games constantly, H told me he couldn't relax no matter what he did, he felt like he’s constantly analyzing everything around him, couldn’t concentrate on one thing. he would be nice to my family and to me, but I could feel that he’s not the way he used to be, he doesn’t hold me and kiss me all the time, he would go and get me from work every evening and we would go eat.
Everyday he kept saying I just need a job, what are we gonna do? It was his everyday phrases to me like good morning, so I would be sitting at my work and filling dozens of online applications for his job, and sent him all the opened positions I could find. And then at night he would tell me that today he filled out two applications and spent an hour from the whole day on it, the rest was video games. When I knew I spend 3 or 4 hours everyday at my work apart from my duties doing the same for him. And I would come home there would be mess in the room and snacks everywhere so I would start cleaning. Of course I was nagging about him not trying hard and I was trying to take too much on me, cause I knew if we didn’t find him job he’d be back to iraq or afghanistan for another 5 months.

I felt like my life was on pause. i forgot about my needs completely, he was on my mind 24/7. Three months later we went back to the states to his parents, with still no job, I spent two weeks there, and i was actually getting along a lot better with his parents, and I absolutely love his grandparents from both sides. I had to come back to work in russia because we couldn’t afford us both sitting with no jobs, so we decided he would stay with his parents and as soon as he gets a job I’ll come to him. I wanted to go back to California, cause its easier for me to find a job there rather then in small town in illinois. I came back to russia on the 9th of february and got the worst cold and fever after 25 hours of flight. I was laying in bed not going to work and was expecting that my H would be calling me and talking to me and supporting me, but he would call me for 20 minutes and then leave so after three days of this, I asked him to not go get lunch with his family and stay with me longer to talk cause I felt really bad and would appreciate his support, he said – f**k no, I’m tired of sitting here and staring at you sick, I want to go have fun and spend time with my family. and left. I was texting him and he was texting me to go to sleep and stop complaining and that I was driving him insane. Then I called him 5 times around 9pm, he never picked up. He picked up for a sec and said – I’m in a bar and hung up. I had a fever and I could barely control myself so I called him a lot of times!! He didn’t pick up till 2 am drunk and said he’s at his friends house. So I started texting if you don’t come back home to sleep we’re done. I’m not proud that night. The next day I didn’t call him cause I was mad that I was sick and he left me and went to have fun and made me go thought that. At 6am next day he texted me – Anastasia, I’m done. I want a divorce. !!!

The scariest morning in my life. I called him and cried saying he cant do that, and he was very calm and said – it was crazy last night and that he’s been thinking about it for some time, he was not happy the last couple of months and that he’s sick of me constantly controlling him and constant nagging, and that he went to iraq for us, went through hell and I didn’t appreciate it, I didn’t give him time to adjust (after thinking and reading and watching about it I think he has some PTSD problems), that I was pushing him all the time, that I don’t give him see his friends and family and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore…
So its been two months since then. I did everything – I begged him to think, I cried, i pleaded, I told that I don’t agree, was constantly calling him and asking for a second chance. But he ignored me, and if he would write smth back it would be – I still feel the same, don’t want to think about it anymore, I’m thinking of finding a job right now, i’m done with it, i’m moving on and you should move on as well.its hard but it will get better.I was laying in a hospital for several days cause I couldn’t eat, I’m sure you understand me, and all he said – I hope you feel better soon. And he was just partying with friends and adding 3 or 4 new girls on FB every night, hundred girls for the last 2 months. And I couldn’t understand how my loving, caring and dearest man turned into cold stone. he talked to my mom on skype, and he told her that in Marine Corps they taught them how to get ready before deployments to not feel anything, to kinda keep your mental health after from seeing all those things. He said he feels like he never got back. And he said – I’m sorry cause I can see it's hurting you and my W but I don’t feel anything.
The last two months I was in hell. But we got from - I want divorce and don’t want to talk about it to - I’m not filing yet because it’s a big decision and I still want divorce but I’m confused. I got dark for 2 weeks, with no contact at all, and I called him for his birthday (april 6th) and we ended up talking for an hour and when we got to R talk he said that he’s confused and he thinks that I already had someone and if we try to get back together he would think about it all the time and think that I just don’t tell him about it. Of course I didn’t have anyone for these two months!! I feel like zombi! But I didn’t start begging him again to give me a chance I just said that I’m not seeing anyone and I’m waiting for him and that I think that we shouldn’t discuss it until he gets a job and gets this weight of his shoulders and breathe out a little bit and then we’ll talk about it again. He said ok.
I found a position in California that he would like to get, applied for him, he went through interview and got the job so now he’s moving to Ca in less than a month and he never even said thank you! So I’m sitting here, and don’t even know what to do. The worst thing is that I have green card, I can't leave the states for a long time and cause of his deployment I had to leave for 6 months,and when I came back for 2 weeks in february i got warning not to do it again, so now its already been two months away for me and the longer he’s not saying anything the less chances I have even to go to him.
He’s not trying to contact me, not telling me I drive him crazy anymore, but he took off his ring, and just living his life. And I feel used and broken.
thats kinda long but i feel like it would give better picture of the whole situation for those of you who find 5 hours to read it all:) i would really appreciate some advice because i feel like i’m in limbo.


“Everything passes and this too will pass.”

M 26
H 24
T 3
M 2
Dog 1
Bomb 2/13/2012
living in different countries

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.
Have you read the 37 rules?

He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
It also sounds like he is having an affair.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stay on one thead until 100 posts.

Do not beg, plead, or pursue.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

[purgatory]

So sorry for the reason you're here, but this will soon become your safe place and these people will become your friends. I know how lost and scared you must feel right now- we've all been there when the wound is still so fresh. Cadet brings up a good point: that *he* might be having an affair- since he's assuming that you are (they tend to point the blame at you when they are doing the same thing.)

Your experience camping made me think of a few things:
- he doesn't understand what it means to be the husband; to have a wife that you now have to think about and involve in almost every decision. He was content to come home to *his* family and do whatever he wanted to do- without considering your needs- especially your health with the heat stroke. It's very immature for him to yell at you in front of his parents as if you were a child.
- He was not ready to include you in his definition of "family", and that's really sad. It seems like your his "family" when no one else is around- when it's just the 2 of you on the computer and skype... but then when you guys get together, you become the annoying little sister type person to him- and he blames you for not letting him have fun- again, immature.

My H is in the Navy and is getting ready to deploy for an entire year to Afghanistan, so I can appreciate the daily stress and fears that come with being a military spouse. There are a few of on here, hopefully more of them will find you. My H dropped the bomb and is ready to sign papers before he goes... so I'm hoping that with the time away and my continued DB efforts, he'll come around.

It's a hard situation that you're in since you are living on opposite ends of the world- making communication that much harder. It's good that he's admitting that he's confused, this give you the gift of time to let him work through his issues (immaturity, strange family attachments) while YOU work on yourself, and decide what you really want for your life... b/c after all, you have no control over him and his choices, only you and yours.

Come here often, and post on your thread as well as others... you never know what little piece of information will help you understand your sitch better.

The following list is credited to Sandi2- another wise elder on these boards, who successfully reconciled her M with DB efforts. Most of us have copied this list and refer to it OFTEN... especially when we are at our lowest. Find a seat and make sure your safety bar is tight a secure, this roller coaster gets pretty rough and is going to last a while

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[A&J2009]

Cadet, purgatory thank you so much for your reply!!

i've been reading everyone's stories for a while and I found those 37 rules some time ago. Very helpful. i even printed them out and carry in my purse and try to reread them from time to time when I get really down. they help me a lot, help to stay focused. I ordered the books two weeks ago, but i'm sure by the time they get to Russia its either we'll be done with our divorce or happily married again:) hoping to get them sooner. but i know they will be good for me no matter what!

As for another woman I really hope there's no one. I'm praying for it. Cause its gonna make things million times harder for me to accept and as a result to forgive him. i haven't seen any straight evidence that there is OW, but as soon as he told he wanted a divorce he started adding several girls on FB everyday. The funny thing is that, he would freak out everytime i tried to add some man on FB, i would have whole investigation to go through and he told me i deleted all the girls that might bother you so you should do the same. but now when i asked him why are you adding all those girls, he said - because, i feel like they didn't do anything bad and i should have never deleted them. But I also understand that i’m so far away and its very hard to figure out if he’s actually seeing someone. He tells me he’s not. But after all this how can i trust his words now? i can't.

Your experience camping made me think of a few things:
- he doesn't understand what it means to be the husband; to have a wife that you now have to think about and involve in almost every decision. He was content to come home to *his* family and do whatever he wanted to do- without considering your needs- especially your health with the heat stroke. It's very immature for him to yell at you in front of his parents as if you were a child.
- He was not ready to include you in his definition of "family", and that's really sad. It seems like your his "family" when no one else is around- when it's just the 2 of you on the computer and skype... but then when you guys get together, you become the annoying little sister type person to him- and he blames you for not letting him have fun- again, immature.

You’re absolutely right Purgatory, this camping trip and the whole month with his family made me think if I really know my husband so well. I felt so helpless when this happened, i couldnt understand why should I and how to explain my husband that i depend on him in this situation and taking care of me was something that i was naturally expecting from him. and at the end of the day I had to apologize for my behaviour! I felt like everytime I was about to ask him to do smth for me i had to apologize first, to him, to his father, and everyone else. and after sometime he would tell me he’s aggravated that i didn't feel comfortable at his parents house.

It's a hard situation that you're in since you are living on opposite ends of the world- making communication that much harder. It's good that he's admitting that he's confused, this give you the gift of time to let him work through his issues (immaturity, strange family attachments) while YOU work on yourself, and decide what you really want for your life... b/c after all, you have no control over him and his choices, only you and yours.

the problem is that the GIFT of time, is not really a gift for me right now. It is good because it gives me an opportunity to figure out what i want my marriage to be like and what i would like to change in it and in me and also for him its chance to stop being mad at me and miss me and think of what he wants and if he can handle all responsibility of having a family.

but the problem is if i dont go to him within the next two months they are not gonna let me go, cause of my visa. i dont even know if he’s thinking about it right now, he’s so self-obsessed at the moment.

My H is in the Navy and is getting ready to deploy for an entire year to Afghanistan, so I can appreciate the daily stress and fears that come with being a military spouse. There are a few of on here, hopefully more of them will find you. My H dropped the bomb and is ready to sign papers before he goes... so I'm hoping that with the time away and my continued DB efforts, he'll come around.

Purgatory I'm so sorry for your situation! how are you coping with everything? and i can see you have two little babies, you must be so strong! are you living in the same house with your H right now? and how are you communicating? the first month after the bomb was the hardest for me, cause i was so devastated that i tried to reach him all the time, which made him only mad at me even more and ignore me. He told me that i f**ked up everything, its all my fault and that he cant even think of me without getting mad. so after a month I just stopped all communication i disappeared for 3 weeks, deleted myself from everywhere and tried to GAL. went to the gym, met some friends, and called him only on his birthday when i felt a little more confident and calm, we ended up talking for an hour and he told me he's afraid that if we try to get back together that he's gonna think that i already had someone and i'm not going to tell him that. he's sure i cheated on him already. which is not true.

How soon is your husband deploying? do you see any little positive changes in your situation?

[A&J2009]

there are days when i'm strong and there are weeks when i'm barely hanging...i just can't pull myself together last couple of days, i thought i detached myself from him and for three weeks i was fine, i was not checking my FB and emails constantly, was not feeling that sorry for myself and that he hurt me so bad, got myself occupied with stuff and the gym and met a couple of friends. but then he wrote me about a week ago, because his job application docs and passwords are going straight to me so i have to forward it to him. so i called him back on skype, we talked for about an hour and it was without fighting, he was telling me that he's stressing out all the time right now, cause of all the papers he needs to fill out and money problems of going back and forth from illinois to california to get this job and living at his parents house and he's been drinking pretty often last two months, and he said he's struggling with his PTSD issues its bothering him, but he doesn't want to go to talk to anyone. we started talking about us and i asked him does he think we have any chance to work things out ?

(i know i shouldnt have done it:( but i feel like i'm living in limbo, and i wanted at least a tiny light at the end of the tunnel, smth positive)

he said he's not filing for divorce yet, and its def not because of money, he said he's confused and doesn't know anything and what to do.

don't even know if i should be happy about it or not.

and now he texted me a couple of times about urgently sending him via fedex some of his papers. and the messages were pretty demanding (without any - hey, how are u doing, just do this, send me this, i need that, don't argue with me, just do it) and i was getting them at 3 or 4 in the morning (cause of the time difference) i got tired of him talking to me like that so i called him on skype in the morning, so i told him that i don't owe him anything and he if wants me to help him he shouldn't be so mean and be nicer. he said he re read his messages and was sorry for writing in this tone and so early.

i told him i missed him when he was nice and caring and we had so much fun together, i asked him whether he missed me, he said - it's hard for me to feel anything. (he's explaining it as ptsd issue) and then said that he needed to go.

but then he said he was not trying to be mean. i said - you're mean to me. he said - no, i'm indifferent.

that just killed me, what does that mean.

why is he saying that he is not filing for divorce and confused what he wants and the next day he doesn't miss me and indifferent to me? i don't understand anything and feel like i live at the gates of hell, not there yet but i already feel the heat. so broken.

[A&J2009]

Posted several days ago but its still not showing up on here:(
so miserable these days, just feel like i dont want to do anything, he's doing his stuff and acting like i dont exist, if he doesnt need any papers or documents for his job from me so just dont talk to me, he told me he's not trying to be mean to me, he's just indifferent. how can you be indifferent to your wife, to the person you've loved for three years and now dont have anything to say?

one of my girlfriends told me i should delete myself from everywhere, so he would try to look for me. but he's not trying to contact me now, why would he start doing it if i delete from FB. He's moving to California in 10 days and now he's there finishing his job paperwork during the day and hanging out with his friend at night.

when we talked on skype about his papers 2 days ago, he looked like he didnt want to talk to me about anything but his documents and as soon as he made sure i was gonna send them, he said - ok, i need to go, bye. i'm so scared he's over me already, its been 2 and half months.
anyone has any advice? just desparate

[A&J2009]

trying to GAL little by little, its so much harder than i thought, went to Finland for a little trip with my sister and her boyfriend, I'm so happy they are sweet to each other and kiss and cuddle but it just makes me want to cry being next to them. sounds selfish. H is still not talking to me, he's moving to California in 3 days, and got a new car and asking people to go with him on a road trip from IL to CA, and looking for a fun places to stop at, and all that i found out from FB and not him((((( its just killing me that he doesn't want me to be part of his life any more, not calling, not texting. he's not interested in what am i doing, if I'm ok.Its breaking my heart he doesn't want to share any good news with me.I've always been the first one he called to share something, how could this all change in a blink of an eye!!??

when I was in Finland my dad wrote H a letter, i didn't know about it till I got back, my dad told him that H should think really good about us and we're both wonderful people and deserve to be together. and the next day H wrote him back which was progress already, cause 2 months ago he wouldn't even write back to anyone of my family when they tried to talk to him, would just ignore them. H wrote - thank you for the message and i hope everything is well out there. I'm still fighting in my head so i cant think rationally right now. but I'm not rushing into any decisions though. I'm still thinking everything out. thank you

i don't know what to think! he's writing that he's fighting in his head and not rushing into decisions and at the same time offering girls on FB to take a road trip with him??? what's going on in his head? it really really hurts me that he didn't offer me to go on this trip but some girls!! we planned it together. it makes me so sad.

don't even know how much time he's going to need to figure everything out. and of course i want to hope for the best but at the back of my mind I'm so afraid to be left with nothing.
I really don't know what to think.


Ps. Got a paper today that one of the DB books that i ordered is waiting for me at the post office!!! excited to get it and start reading, hope the other one will come soon too.


I know all of us here are struggling and surviving and fighting for our marriages, god bless you all. would greatly appreciate you talking some time and reading my story.

[happywithchange]

Just to be clear here, re: Sandi2 and her list.

She did not successfully reconcile using DB methods. She was the one walking away and then later got back with her husband. Her advice is from the other side, which is why it is so helpful.

[A&J2009]

H moved to California. havent talked to him or heard from him for 2 weeks. I tried to stay busy and not think about him all the time, went to the gym, met with a girl friend a couple of times, hung out with my sister and worked hard. 3 days ago he wrote me himself, which surprised me. he asked how have I been and we talked on facebook for a little bit. he was on the road, from Illinois to Cali at that moment and was staying at a hotel. first it was ok, told me that he bought a new car, saving money for a motorcycle and everything is good. I tired to sound positive and told him that i'm proud of him getting a new job and all his changes in his life. then H asked what are my plans for future, i wanted to tell him everything i feel about it, that we had our dream and he kicked me out of it and now he's living it by himself and asking me what is my dream now. so not fair! but i told him i'm taking each day at a time, working hard, spending more time with my family.

H said that my dad wrote a letter to him saying that we should think really hard before making such a big decision as divorce. and if you have any doubts dont rush into divorce.
and H said - well i have been thinkin about it. have you?
your doing your own thing and im doing mine.
your going out doing whatever and so am i
and i just dont see it working.
you added back guy friends. your going out.
didnt even tell me you left to Finland.
just stopped talking. going out.
im not throwing it in your face because
im going out and doing stuff to.
i just dont see us being able to work
past everything if we would try.

he also said he's not cheating but talking to other people.
and then he said he needs to go to sleep and left.

its all so disappointing and sad. I dont know what to think and dont know what to do.

He sounds like he's moved on already and doesnt even miss me. and doesnt have any second thoughts about us being together. H's so sure we're not gonna be able to be together even if we try. he's very jealous person and doesnt trust me, he's sure that i cheated on him already and doesnt want to hear anything, i went dark and thought that this time of him not hearing anything from me will make him miss me but it only made him think that i gave up on our marriage, going out and cheated on him.

[A&J2009]

I think i'm going to go to California. Its been almost 4 months me out of the states and after the bomb dropped and if i dont go there right now i'm going to lose my green card and then there are no hopes for any kind of getting back together. i won't even be able to get visa to fly to him. of course, H is not worrying about it.

As DB book that i’m working on right now and everyone here on the boards say if one thing doesn't work try something else. i went dark for 3 weeks, and it didn’t bring much results except for H contacting me to find out how I was doing and tell me that he has his own life now and i have mine, because I just disappeared and he's convinced that i cheated on him. and even if we tried to get back together nothing would work cause we wouldn't be able to get past it.
so I cant consider it much of a result:(

i decided to try something new for a change. I picked up all my guts together and called him on the phone. he picked up and we ended up talking for about 30 minutes. no R talks! I was asking him about his new apartment and new job and told him that i'm very proud of him and his advance in career. he asked what i've been up to. first time in a while we've had a nice conversation without mutual accusations, being upset or him saying - i'm not changing my mind and me trying to convince him that we can be together. just a friends talk, not close but at least not the people that hate each other.

it was on Sunday, I called him once again on Tuesday, we talked for 5 minutes and he said he's on some comedy show with a friend and he can't talk. so i texted him later - if you have a minute tonight let me know just wanted to talk. he texted me 30 min later that i can call him. and we talked for another 20 minutes, no R talks again, just share what we've been doing. a marine corps friend is staying with him till may 21st, so he's just working during the day and partying at nights. (thats my loving and caring and family oriented H now. so sad. like 17 year old boy.)

I'm confused now, we talked twice on the phone, both times i initiated conversations. He never called or texted first but he didn't ignore me, and didn't sound aggravated or bored when we were talking, i would say it was a little awkward. now i’m just afraid that he’s over me already, that it doesn't bother him talking to me, like talking to some friend that you haven't seen in a while, ok, but nothing mutual already. he sounds like he’s loving his new job, he’s new apartment, new car, getting friends and just hanging out and sounds pretty happy with his life without me, like he doesn't even think about us anymore. and i feel like i’m torturing myself everyday. thinking about him.

thats the part i would really need some advice on.

1) Should i just keep calling and texting him once in awhile, not everyday, just to ask him how he's doing and share what's going on in my life or should i just go dark again and let him initiate next conversation first? i'm confused. I don’t want to push him and at the same time don't want to make him think that i gave up on our marriage because thats what he was accusing me of when i went dark, that i disappeared, stopped talking to him(it means i stopped initiating contacts) and it didn't look like i wanted to fix anything. i feel like he's confused and confusing me! and it is so stressful.

2) How to tell H that i’m coming to California, and should i stay with him in the house in different rooms if i don't find another place to stay?

Please, any suggestions will be more than appreciated!!