She doesn't know I'm monitoring her at all. When she was texting the OM she was sending around 1700 texts a month (she texts her friends a lot too). Last month she sent less then 600. She does still work with the guy but I don't think that's what this is about.
She wants to get together and talk on Monday and I don't think it will be positive She wants to total up all our debts and go through the payments so I think she is planning on finding her own place. I need to try and convince her to move into our home, even as roommates at the end of next month. Financially her leaving right now will cripple us both. Everything we own is bought on credit and is joint. We would need to make arrangements to sell both our new cars, we bought a boat in August that would need to go. Plus LOC and CC's. It's mind boggling and overwhelming to consider trying to undo 9 years of a life together in a few short weeks. How do I approach this and convince her it's in her best interest??
She came over on Thursday night and we discussed our finances and what she wants. She wants her own apartment but after doing some calculations we determined it would be impossible with our current debt load. We still have our condo until the end of May so she will continue to stay there for the time being. She told me she is fully prepared to walk away from all her responsibilities and declare bankruptcy if it means she can "get out". Since the majority of our accounts are joint I explained that this would make me solely responsible for the debt and would cause huge problems with my finances. She agreed his wouldn't be fair to me and as a compromise she agreed to move into our house at the end of May. She made it very clear that despite living in the same house we are indeed separated and nothing more then roommates. I tried to be very upbeat and accommodating about the situation.
In some ways I feel a bit trapped. We worked very hard to acquire the things we have and even though she wants to leave me I feel like I have to sacrifice them in order to avoid financial difficulties. If I sell my car I can afford to pay all my other bills including all our join CC's and our LOC. I told her since we got that credit together she can't just walk away an expect me to pay for it on my own. She wants to drastically reduce our monthly expenses and focus on paying off as much outstanding debt as possible in the next several months. Once we are both in a position to Comfortably get by on our own she will move out. That is the plan as it stands now. Part of me wishes she could just leave now but another larger part of me hopes that when we are living together again she will brecognize how much she misses being with me....mayb I'm holding out hope for nothing? We were friends before we got together and when we broke up for six months before we got married we remained good friends then as well. Perhaps me future wont include her as my wife, but I would really miss her as my friend
It is entirely possible that there is another man in the picture but I honestly don't see why she wouldn't just tell me if that was the case. She has already made it clear that she wants out of the marriage, why hide the fact that she has feelings for someone else? At least that I could understand.
Our talk went about as well as can be expected I suppose. We did mutually decide that the best course of action at this point is to stay separated until the end of the month and then she will move into the house with me. We will work on getting our monthly payments and debts reduced by simplifying and selling some things to help free up additional money. When we are both comfortable that the split won't cause any undo financial hardship she will look for her own place. She was very adamant that when she is living here we are separated and will just be roommates until we can make more permanent arrangements. She made it clear that she didn't want me questioning where she was or who she was with. I agreed, in fact, in the last two weeks it's been sort of liberating to not be constantly worrying about where she is or what she is doing. I guess the detaching is working already?
I'm apprehensive about her moving in here in some ways. We do get along great and despite everything that has transpired the past few weeks I think we will always be good friends. We were friends before we started our relationship and I'm hoping we will remain friends if the marriage is truly over. My real hope is that being in our house that we made so many plans for will give her pause to reconsider and I just hope I'm able to maintain a good attitude when she is here. Getting depressed and moping around will only make her regret moving in.
I'm doing my best to GAL, to be positive and cheerful whenever we speak and to work on myself. I got my porcelain veneers put on today and now I look like a whole new person. I really think it is going to improve my overall outlook on things. I know that I am a great guy and if my wife no longer recognizes that then I'm sure somewhere out there is a woman who will. It's very strange to be considering the possibility of meeting someone else so soon, but I'm young and my life will go one with or without her by my side.
W and I met for dinner at a pub Weds night. I hadn't seen her since Monday and it was nice to catch up with her. We had a good light hearted conversation, joking and laughing, but then...I mentioned something about the logistics of her moving in at the end of May. She got quiet and then told me that she had changed her mind. She thinks it will be too hard on both of us and she is going to continue looking for her own place. I tried to remain calm but I will admit that I got upset. I thought we had a plan in place and now it turns out we do not. I am rushing now to get my finances in order. We have joint account right now and she informed me that she has opened her own account and will be having her cheques deposited there beginning June 1st.
I should have left it at that but instead we began discussing who would pay for what. I make twice as much money as her but I don't think it's fair that she can just walk away and expect me to pay off all the debts we acquired together. She asked what I wanted her to do and I said "I want you to pay your share". W said "You know how much money I make, how will I do that?". I snapped at her "I don't know, make more money?". This hurt her and she picked up her coat, thanked me for dinner and walked out of the resturant leaving me sitting there.
We spoke later that evening and we both apologized and moved past it. We are both really trying to be friendly and deal with this as smoothly as possible. I find myself more and more accepting of the fact that this may be the end of my M. At dinner she told me "I know in my heart that we will never be together again". Ouch!
She still texts me everyday to tell me about her day and ask about mine. She final started showing signs that she was depressed and having a hard time with this. I don't like seeing her upset but it made me feel better to know that she at least has emotions about us still.
Another interesting thing happened...W told her friends and family about our separation and they all reached out to me to tell me that wha she was doing was wrong and that I'm a good guy who doesn't deserve this. I think my W was expecting a lot of support from them and she called me in tears about how she thought everyone was being unfair to her. She said she doesn't deserve this and she is just trying to be happy. I tried my best to validate and console her but I agree with what everyone else is telling her. I think she is wrong, that she is making a mistake and that she will regret losing the best man she has ever known
Why would you want to be friends with someone who walks over you? Why are you validating and consoling a woman who fired you ? Why do you still believe her?
You really need to embrace reality here.
Look at yourself and really ask yourself if this is the man you plan on becoming.
It is very unhealthy the path your planning on going down.
Reality will be good for both of you.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Why would you want to be friends with someone who walks over you? Why are you validating and consoling a woman who fired you ? Why do you still believe her?
You really need to embrace reality here.
Look at yourself and really ask yourself if this is the man you plan on becoming.
It is very unhealthy the path your planning on going down.
Reality will be good for both of you.
This ^^^^^.
Hoser, I'm glad your wife changed her mind on the "plan" you had in place, because it was a recipe for disaster and cuckoldry. How would you have felt sitting in YOUR OWN HOME, watching your wife get all dressed up nice and sexy to go out on a date with another man? THAT is what she was setting you up for!
I strongly suggest that you stop having any financial conversations with your wife, and seek -- and then USE -- the advice of a good family law attorney. You're trying to appease and console a woman who does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart right now, and that's recipe for disaster.
Let an atty do the dirty work -- your wife will have to pay for her proportional share of your joint marital expenses. Use this time to work on YOU, and once again becoming the kind of man that attracted her in the first place.
She wants to total up all our debts and go through the payments so I think she is planning on finding her own place. I need to try and convince her to move into our home, even as roommates at the end of next month. Financially her leaving right now will cripple us both. Everything we own is bought on credit and is joint. We would need to make arrangements to sell both our new cars, we bought a boat in August that would need to go. Plus LOC and CC's. It's mind boggling and overwhelming to consider trying to undo 9 years of a life together in a few short weeks. How do I approach this and convince her it's in her best interest??