We were together for 20 years, married for 18 years and have a lot of history, of course. I'm really curious about something that my youngest (now 15) said to me yesterday.
My "wife" stopped by to discuss a serious issue with my middle child (17) who wants to drop out of school (he is extremely bright and was a honor student up until 2 years ago and is also just shy of being an Eagle scout). Divorce has really affected out three children negatively.
Anyway, I still have my wife's cat. He's a youthful 14 and very affectionate. She loved him a lot. She usually ignores him if she happens to stop by, which is rare. She avoids coming over to my house or seeing me altogether. I never bring up our marriage, the divorce, or anything else, except the kids. I don't act like I am pining for her and I even try to make her laugh.
Anyway, the only things or people in her life that she has "kept" in her life are our three children. When she left, she didnt see them like she should have. Even in the divorce details, and the kids dont know this, she only wanted them every other weekend. About 6 months after we were divorced, she then started to make the kids feel like they had to choose between her and me and would use guilt to motivate them.
Everything and everyone else in her "old" life, she did away with. She ignored the pets she loved, she didnt want her car, she didnt want her house, nearly all of her belongings (she did take ALL of the pictures which is a sore spot with me), and, of course, she didnt want me.
Last night, when my youngest and I were talking about our cat, I said I was surprised how his mom didnt act like she even missed her cat. He said that mom told him that she loves her cat but he is part of her old life and it hurts her to see him and would rather not see him anymore.
I can't help but wonder what is happening with her. She doesn't seem truly happy. She still is carrying more weight than she should and she seems easily frustrated. And overreacts to situations with our children. Im not saying that she isnt justified with her concerns and they arent serious but overreacting will add to problems.
Early on, after she left, she seemed like she HAD to leave me, not that she wanted to leave me. She has always done this with people and things. When she is done with someone or somebody, its like she has to burn bridges.
Another thing she did was to immediately treat the kids like adults (not in a good way) when she left. It really messed our children up (they were 10, 12 and 14 at the time). It has been 5 1/2 years since this all went down.
Any opinions on what she is doing and why?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
My W has done this in the past to her friends, I think it is still running, and maybe some regret that is too painful to look at...(?). So she tries to ignore it...(?)
My ex told me that "his old life" is a reminder of how much of a failure he is. Mid life crisis is about a lack of courage.....
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Let me add that my W, many years after cutting off these friends of hers, did look them up on the social media outlets and I could see a process of regret started, but got cut off right away to avoid the pain and questions of "what if" and "did I make a mistake?", etc....
She seems to be processing things differently now, so maybe MLC is re-wiring her brain as it maybe should have been back growing up...
Just speculation, of course.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Was that the post you meant to put up? I don't see seeking's input?
At any rate, I have seen a lot of similar. My kids were about the same age when it started to show(2 of them.) She wants them to choose, wants to act like she isn't angry, depressed, etc. Doesn't want to face it. Left the cat too
Why not want things from your past? Really? I mean, if I have to look at what I had, I might not have the nerve to leave. If I admit it was "me", then I have to deal with those issues. If I avoid them, I can go on my merry way and life is "good" If I can just get rid of the past, if I can run from it, I can start again and be "happy". Or so the thinking goes...
It's not "good" though. There are some nagging reminders, such as kids, memories, ex-H, etc. Can you be happy? Sure. Will reality intrude? You bet.
Mine's done similar. Left the friends, the house, the keepsakes, the kids (came back to the kids - kind of) blamed me for her unhappiness (after many stories were made up and re-made up when they didn't "fit")etc. It seems like a way to deal with things in smaller pieces. Some never finish the entire plate, but that's a different story.
This is clearly something she needs to face and deal with. You can't help. Really. You can help to protect the kids although they are going to react to their mother and situation as they are able. That's something you have little input into other than guidance for the kids.
It gets better and more interesting. This fantasy land they live in is fragile at best. But they try...
My $0.04 worth anyway.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have no idea what meaning it was for my W, but apparently my W's favorite song all last year was Adele's - "someone like you"
All I know is that the words to that song, and the context and theme of that album, were about Adele's personal experience of leaving a relationship and this particular song being about how she still loved her ex and the things about him, wished him well, and hoped to find someone "like" him... even though she did not go back TO him...
The point is, I believe there is a consensus that many of the MLCers and WASs... really is that they want to "erase" the LBS and anything that might remind them of the LBS, simply in order to not have to deal with the healing process around that specific person...
That by erasing and finding new friends, new homes, new jobs, new lives... their hurt and pain and perhaps... the things that they might work on themselves to make better or "fix"... they avoid...
This appears to show up a lot in MLCers, more so than in WASs... It still appears that way with my W and so many who post in this particular forum, here...
Like a OP... I think while the avoidance is still going on, there can be no healing and no reconciliation... regardless of how that might work, either as a reconciled M or simply as a "friendly" relationship and healthy co-parenting...
If your W was and / or is MLC, then IDK... but I'd say that when you start seeing her trying to reconnect with people she's avoided... discussing the past in a civil, logical way... being different and more "parental" with the kids... like I said, IDK... but I suspect you'll notice those changes... then and only then might you consider that she is starting to come out of the fog... like I said, if she's in MLC... (not saying she isn't, just pointing out the disclaimer)...
AJM - The link should work, seeking answers' post is there when I click on it, but maybe I have a different number of posts set for the browser display or something...
Your input, and KD's, is spot on, imho.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Everything and everyone else in her "old" life, she did away with. She ignored the pets she loved, she didnt want her car, she didnt want her house, nearly all of her belongings (she did take ALL of the pictures which is a sore spot with me), and, of course, she didnt want me.
They have NO LOVE in them at all, all of this is the OPPOSITE of who they have been. It is a combination of hormones, depression, childhood issues. I have seen the same thing over and over.
I think the science behind this is the hormones. They are the OPPOSITE of what they have been throughout your marriage. More closely aligned to the way they were entering puberty(as a teenager). So she goes back in time to straigten out something that was wrong at that time.
If she ever get to reconnection it will be with things, then pets, then people and last with YOU.
Hope that helps,
P.S. Seeking Answers post was the one right before your link.
MMF I am so sorry that we all are going thru this. The one thing that I DONT understand is How long can they keep this up? If they totally change everything they do, I would think at some point they would pick up the things they loved. My xh did away with things that didnt even have to do with me, like his fishing trips. He was a hunter/fisherman and a big t-shirt and jeans man unless he was working and sometimes he wore a nice short sleeve shirt and kak pants. Now.....totally opposite. Doesnt fish at all. New wife has him wearing sweater vests and the other day i passed him standing on a sidewalk and he had a skin tight muscle shirt on. Look so crazy. Must still be working out to please her. I have heard he follows her around and jumps at her every command. Anyway, I just dont understand why they leave EVERYTHING behind. UUNLESS they are trying to reinvent a new life. My heart still breaks for my family sometimes. I miss my family vacations. Its just not fair.
