continued contact with ex making me crazy

[dbpb]

I am a fairly new poster, but read here freq.Unwanted divorce 15 yrs ago. Ex left me for OW that he still lives with, but apparently no marriage plans. I was very devestated concerning divorce and it took me years to really recover.
Reason I am here, Since divorce 2 of our 4 children have had some 'Issues" and my ex and I have had to have contact on a fairly regular basis to help them. Our oldest son was diagnosed with a mental illness approx 4 yrs ago, so in order to help him, we have had a lot of contact.
We both belong to a parent support group, and are the only divorced couple there. His OW has no interest in this, and does not attend any functions.
My problem is this--ex seems to think we are like good friends , sits by me at the meetings, laughs and jokes around, etc. Unless you knew ahead of time, you would not know we were a divorced couple at these meetings!!My problem is this continued contact and him acting like everything is fine, andeveryone is over the divorce, is playing havoc with me, It has stirred up feelings of caring that will get me nowhere. I need his help with son, and I can't leave support group as I am on the board this year.
I still care very deeply for my ex. Divorce didn't stop the love. HOw do I handle this and protect my heart?

[MrBond]

15 years divorced is a long time. Have you had someone in your life? I think you need someone to fill that void and bring him along to those meetings so your XH won't be a distraction.

[dbpb]

Thank you for your reply.There is no one right now that I could bring to the meetings.I have dated, however nothing long term. I was interested in one man, but he couldn't handle the idea of me having a mentally ill son. All my friends have tried to set me up on dates, but at my age [63], there isn't a whole lot of elgible men, at least in this area. And to be honest, most of the ones I have dated, although they were nice, weren't the type of man who really interested me. I say that not because I was in any way comparing them to ex.
I'm beginning to think the bottom line is that when being around my ex, it makes me realize that he thinks we are best friends, and I do not think to this day he realizes how his actions totally devestated me. Guess I still have some resentment issues that I still need to work through.

I do have a lot of GAL activites, so I don't constantly dwell on this, but lately, it seems to be occupying my mind again.

[MrBond]

"he thinks we are best friends, and I do not think to this day he realizes how his actions totally devestated me."

Then the next time he tries to be all chummy with you, keep your distance and if he keeps bothering you, tell him straight up about the hurt you've been through and how clueless he is. That you are not his friend and that he had destroyed any chance of that with his choices. Then just walk away with your head held high.

Unless you say something, nothing is going to change.

[cat03]

Be frank, tell him that despite the time you still have some personal issues and conflict, that you want to stay on the board meeting for your son's sake, but that you prefer if you have minimal contact, and only keep to issues dealing with your son.

When I divorced it was so hard to even see him it brought me to tears each time we exchanged kids the fist months... then I decided to treat him as you treat a neighbor, cordial but the to point, and i worked! So, talk to him when you absolutely have to and keep the chit chat, personal talk to a minimum or nothing.

Sorry MrBond, I disagree that you need someone to move on, if anything having someone "fill" the void is hurting you as you are using that person and the person since perhaps he/she thinks he/she is in a true R. I moved on without the need of a man, do I miss the companionship, someone to cuddle up to at night? yes! but a man will not define me... if there is something we should've have learned from this site and Michelle's books is that we make our own life and destiny.

Please DO read "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert, same author of Eat Pray and Love (and if you have not read that do to!!.